Thanks Deri -- you're a gem!  I appreciate the attention you gave my post.
Those things are not easy to talk about -- even now.  My first firehouse was
a different story entirely and we were a cohesive organization.  It was one
of the greatest experiences I've ever had.  One of the things that kept me
going in the second department was that I already knew what a good experience
was supposed to be like. I also had the confirmation from my former
department that I had earned my badge.  I'm not sure how things would have
worked out if the second experience had been the first.  I do know that
before I got there, other women had come and gone quickly.  I think those
guys were using the same tactics on me that had worked before.  But that was
my career.  It was an investment of the heart and I wasn't about to be driven
out.

Sometimes I drove to work in a mentally detachment state.  I can really
remember this now.  I was almost outside of my own head if that makes any
sense.  It was a way to survive whatever they were going to do to me that
day.  It worked but I didn't realize that it would be with me this long.  I
tell you now, I didn't think I'd live this long because of them.

So...now I am forced to confront these feelings again.  I can, I must, I
shall.

Betty