Hi Susan,

                 I have to be honest here on two accounts - one I more than
likely didn't explain the situation in nearly enough detail and two  altho I
am sure you didn't mean to offensive - I found the the Rescue Fantasy thing
and getting help for that, offensive and reacted that way, Sorry, Not to
mention I have in the past done such a thing - it came back to bite me in
the butt - big time. I tried to help a friend who needed help - and learned
if folks want help they need to help themselves becasue you can not live
someonmes life for them and they usually turn on you at the end. But after
your explanation that it looked like I was trying to keep officialdom out -
it made sense. Let me clarify why we are trying to keep CPS out of this -
and all of this is being done with a therapist involved and with her
blessing ( and I am sure she would call in CPS if she felt it would be
helpful)- she knows exactly what is involved and is suppling the necessary
telephone numbers and is seeing the child once a week - The child's father
lives in another state as well as the rest of her family - she lived with
her father as a baby after the mother ran away - the child turned herself in
for negliect at age 12  - the father has been and continues to be a drug
addict and they act crazy - seemingly for no reason what so ever. When she
called CPS in that state, they placed with her grandmother and the father
threatened them and carried out the threats - placing her back there -
simply places in another type of danger - As families are always, I think
the first route of placement - going to CPS - may actually make things
worse, and it is not beyond the realm of possiblity that child could be
seriously injured/killed ( not to be melodramtic).  The mother is bipolar
and living illegally in France, in a single room - she is voluntarily
willing to have the child live with me - she is even willing for us to have
joint custody - which is what is in the works now. A day or two after I
posted that message - the Lawyer from the Law Center for Children came up
that answer - as did another lawyer that is working on this fo the church
group. Both feel this will be the fastest route and they also feel that I
can appeal Fairfax county's rule about charging tuition by getting a waiver
- showing neither parent can provide for the child. I honestly consider
having the therapist and the lawyers working on this is working thru the
system. Am I wrong here? As the child wants to live with us - and the mother
wants her to live with us. Sorry, I wasn't clear enough in the first message
- I really need to work harder at writing things out in much more detail.

                                                     Brightest Blessings -
Trisha


> Trisha,
>     I did not mean to imply that you need therapy, just wanted to be sure
> that you understand the power of rescue fantasies and had at least
> considered the possibility that such a fantasy might be influencing your
> actions or emotions.  I don't question that you are an upstanding citizen
> of
> the community either, if I had any basis for thinking otherwise I would
> not
> have suggested that you become a legitimate foster parent. I guess what
> really got to me in your post  was your hesitancy about contacting child
> protective services, the implication being that this whole situation was
> being dealt with outside official channels. For the sake of everyone
> involved this must be handled with all the legal i's dotted and t's
> crossed.
> This is especially true if the girl's mother is bipolar ; you don't want
> to
> leave this girl in a situation where Mom  can totally disrupt the child's
> life all over again the next time she experiences a major mood swing.  In
> fact, you should consider that Mom's sudden decision to go to France and
> her
> subsequent inability to handle her new circumstances may be only the
> concrete consequences of another manic-depressive cycle playing itself
> out.
>     Good Luck
>     Susan
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Trisha Cummings" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Friday, April 19, 2002 7:52 AM
> Subject: Re: Tossing this out to your for ideas
>
>
> > Hi Susan,
> >
> >    I gathered you missed I am in the process of filing for custody. I
> was
> > looking for experiences from folks so I skip some of the mistakes
> > inexperience gives one. She has health insurance. She is even going her
> old
> > therapist - up until Thanksgiving she lived here - then her mother took
> off
> > to France - It is the child's choice to live with us - she is Amber best
> > friend - I don't require therapy - but thank you for your interest- it
> was
> > refreshing after all the people who are so lavish with their praise on
> what
> > an admirable thing I am doing. She has been living in the neighborhood
> sin
> ce
> > 7th grade. Her father lost custody of her for neglect ( he is a drug
> addict)
> > and the mother is living illegally now in France ( she is bipolar) - I
> may
> > be highly individualistic but I am sane and an amazingly upstanding
> citizen
> > - Vice-President of the Homeowners Assoc., Adjunct Pofessor at the local
> > Community College, on the PTA, we even go to church and I pay my
> taxes!!!
> I
> > actaully have the child's best interests at heart and what she wants as
> > goals - while we are working with several organizations - legal and
> church -
> > I am still need in advice in the form of been there done that. This is
> > normal - I tossed it out here for ideas.  We are also considering
> emancaping
> > her - I have had her for 1 week - and I believe we accomplished a lot.
> The
> > county is short is foster homes - (I guess they talked to their
> therapists
> > about rescue fantasies) - so she would be left with me, more than likely
> (
> > its been discussed). That process would also take time. We have
> discussed
> > this with her therapist - who actaully gave us many of the numbers to
> call.
> > We are actaully going for the fastest process - of course law and speed
> > aren't exactly speaking cousins. The legal system takes time. She has
> > already missed most of tenth grade anyway by being in France - where her
> > mother didn't put her school. So finishing up the year is really just
> for
> > social stuff. We have already talked with her consuelor at the school
> about
> > what needs to be done for next year - so she can graduate on time. It is
> a
> > real shame becasue she was going for an Advanced Placement Diploma and
> was
> > planning to be a genetics researcher - to help people have healthier
> babies.
> > The most telling and perhaps - heart breaking thing - is the day she
> arrived
> > - she sat on my sofa and said - now she had hope for the future.
> >
> >  As an aside I have in the past considered both being a foster parent or
> > adopting a second child - Amber wasn't for this. She likes being an only
> > child and not having to share me. So I shelved the idea.
> >
> >                                               Brightest Blessings -
> Trisha
> >
> > >     It seems to me that there are several things which you need to
> think
> > > about and explore very carefully when trying to help this child.By
> > > allowing
> > > her to live with you without any legal paperwork establishing your
> > > authority
> > > to make decisions for or about her you are leaving yourself in a very
> > > vulnerable position.  For example, in your current circumstances, if
> she
> > > were to become ill and require hospitalization or surgery you would be
> > > unable to provide legal consent.  As unpleasant as it may seem to you,
> > > your
> > > best options may be to work within the system.  For example, 1, have
> you
> > > explored the possibility of helping her secure emancipated minor
> status,
> > > which would allow her to make legal decisions for herself despite her
> > > youth.
> > > 2, have you considered applying to become a legitimate foster parent
> > > yourself (which doesn't guarantee that you would be allowed to keep
> her,
> > > but
> > > at least opens up the possibility) 3,if you cannot keep her, does she
> have
> > > any relatives living in Fairfax County with whom she might be able to
> stay
> > > (I know this isn't what either of you want , but it might be her best
> > > option
> > > is the goal is to provide her with a stable environment and the
> > > opportunity
> > > to return to school.) I could go on and on discussing various
> > > possibilities
> > > and problems but my advice can really be summed up in one sentence.
> > > UNLESS
> > > YOU WANT TO CREATE A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF DIFFICULTY FOR YOURSELF,
> CONSULT
> > > A
> > > CUSTODY LAWYER IMMEDIATELY AT LEAST CONSULT A TRAINED MENTAL HEALTH
> > > PROFESSIONAL ABOUT THE DANGERS OF RESCUE FANTASIES.
> > > Susan
> > > PS. With respect to your concerns that the information contained in
> your
> > > post be kept confidential, you do realize that the C-Palsy archives
> are
> > > open
> > > to anyone who accesses the St. Johns list serve web site don't you?
> (At
> > > least that's how I remember it being left the last time the issue came
> > > up.)
> > > ----- Original Message -----
> > > From: "Trisha Cummings" <[log in to unmask]>
> > > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > > Sent: Thursday, April 18, 2002 1:06 PM
> > > Subject: Tossing this out to your for ideas
> > >
> > >
> > > > Greetings All,
> > > >
> > > >     I am frustrated to tears on this issue and could use some input
> -
> if
> > > > anyone has any ideas or experiences.
> > > >
> > > > The background
> > > > \
> > > >            I am currently giving a home to an "abandoned"/"Runaway"
> > > child.
> > > > This is the story. This needs to be kept confidential. She is 15 now
> and
> > > > will be 16 in June. As of Wednesday 4/10 - I have her at my house -
> she
> > > has
> > > > her own furnished room and bathroom.
> > > >
> > > >            She  was living with her mother and stepfather. Her
> mother
> > > > decided to divorce the stepfather and move to France. She left
> around
> > > > Thanksgiving - pulling the chil  out of school and  taking her with
> her.
> > > > They have lived in Paris - in one room for the last 4.5 months - the
> > > child
> > > > has been babysitting to keep them afloat - The mother doesn't have a
> > > job.
> > > > The child did not go to school while she was in France. Actually,
> the
> > > child
> > > > told me France has a 3 month visitors visa - so she  there where
> there
> > > > illegally - The stepfather brought the child back to the States. The
> > > mother
> > > > refuses to come back. The stepfather doesn't however want the child
> > > living
> > > > with him. So she is living with us - we want her. It seems her
> mother
> is
> > > > willing to sign over custody to me  As I understand it - the child
> > > father
> > > > has relinquished all rights to the child. It maybe as simple as the
> > > mother
> > > > signing a custody transfer form. I don't know - would need to talk
> to
> a
> > > > lawyer about this. I am trying to keep this quiet as I don't want
> > > Fairfax
> > > > County to come and put her in foster care.
> > > >
> > > >       Additional History about Athe child - from the best of my
> > > knowledge.
> > > > The child's mother abandoned her at birth and was raised by her
> father -
> > > a
> > > > drug addict - she lived in filth and squalor sharing the house with
> wild
> > > > animals and caring for herself. She called Child Protect Services
> > > herself
> > > to
> > > > be taken away from him. She was placed with the grandmother - the
> father
> > > > threatened them and followed thru with the threats - at this point
> the
> > > > mother got custody of her about 4 years ago  and moved her up here.
> > > >
> > > >    I would like to the child back in school - as she now missed the
> 10th
> > > > grade and she was an honor roll student. I can't do this without
> having
> > > > custody.
> > > >
> > > > Here is where we are today!!!
> > > >
> > > >         Fairfax County doesn't allow temporary guardianship - so I
> must
> > > > apply for custody of the child - in order to have custody - I need
> > > written
> > > > premission from her plus 3 garunteed copies of her custody papers (
> > > mother
> > > > is France so takes time to get papers back and forth). If her father
> > > needs
> > > > to be contacted then I need to place an ad in the paper and we need
> to
> > > wait
> > > > 72 days for him to answer. Then and only then can I have some
> temporary
> > > > custody papers for the child, and then at a future date we go to
> court
> > > for
> > > a
> > > > custody hearing. By then school will be over for the year. Also even
> > > after
> > > I
> > > > have custody of the child - Fairfax county will charge me 8,400 to
> put
> > > her
> > > > school - as I am not the mother even tho I will have custody -
> unless
> I
> > > can
> > > > prove hardship - and her mother being in France is not considered a
> > > hardship
> > > > - and the has choice of living in France illegally with her mother
> and
> > > not
> > > > going to school - or living here with me and going to school -
> sounds
> > > like
> > > > hardship to me. In the mean time the the child can't go to school -
> > > surely
> > > > there must be someway to get her school.
> > > >
> > > >  She wants to live with us and go back school and be with her
> friends.
> > > >
> > > >    Ideas would be great - prayers, or good thoughts - would be
> really
> > > nice
> > > > also.
> > > >
> > > >                                     Brightest Blessings - Trisha
> > > >