Just as Dylan Thomas, 50 years earlier, discovered the lure of the
States, with its lucrative "lecture tours", which eventually led to
the blackest despair (one could say "bible black", and even "crow
black" or "sloe black" for good measure). It was with some
trepidation that this humble welsh boy from the valleys, ventured on
his discovery West.

I sha'nt regail you with a diary of where we went, who we met, what
we did. Instead let me "flesh out" the feelings I picked up from 15
days in the States - the "flavours" I shall never forget.

TERROR

Of course there was "The Terrorists". Totally enveloping, smothering,
horror - without the comfort of "being at Home" - people on TV saying
things like "All foreigners should go home (except if sponsored by US
citizen)". Airports shut, no way home. More than once someone said,
on discovering we were from the UK, "Oh, you must be used to all
this.". I hope I never "get used to it", terror is terror. When the
horror has all but subsided, I think the image that will stick is
that bronze statue of a fireman left on the sidewalk.

KINDNESS

Everyone, but everyone, was kind to us. I got into so many
interesting conversations, usually sitting at the Hotel Bar after Lin
had gone to bed!

NUMERACY

Now I figure I'm a pretty numerate guy, working with computers all
day, but it took me several days to work out that all road speed
signs were in fact in code:-

        65 = 75
        60 = 70
        55 = 65
        50 = 60 (or 70 in roadworks -
                 double fines - you might as well get your moneys worth)
        45 = 55

I thought I could see a pattern here, but

        30 = 30 (yes, thankyou for putting me straight officer. Mmm,
                 we are from England. Yes, I'm sure it will be a nice one.

CLEVER "THINGS"

Now, being a boy from the Valleys, I've grown used to meeting people
cleverer than me. However the USA provided the first Restroom which
assumed it knew better than me. The urinal seemed to "sense my
presence". To be eager to flush itself clean after each and every
customer, however, it was not programmed to deal with a CP man whose
"Boxers" had undergone an unusual degree of rotation, which
necessitated a certain degree of dexterity which was sadly lacking. I
admit there may be a "size" element here, or perhaps better glasses
may have helped, but my gyrations and bending down to check for "best
alignment" seemed to excite this clever urinal into an orgy of
flushing itself.

The sink had no controls for the tap. Forlornly I held my hand under
it, hoping to catch a last drop, the clever little tap burst into
life soaking my hands with luke warm water. Ah, but I had not
dispensed the soap, so I withdrew my hands and gave them a good
squirt, lathered them up, and eagerly put my hands back under the tap
- nothing - not a squidgeon - in this egalitarian society I had had
my quota and it was time to move on. Remembering the urinal, I
thought, maybe, bending over and pretending an inspection of
something below the "eyeline" of the tap would fool the tap into
thinking it had a fresh customer and grudgingly dispense a new quota
of tepid water. Bingo, but I made a mental note to bring a false
beard and wig next time I come to the US, by then the advances in
facial recognition may entail something a bit more sophisticated than
a bob down to check the jewels!

The Einstein of inanimate objects was undoubtedly the rental car,
this boy had attitude. Alamo gave me "the Disabled Car", I had asked
for a "steering knob", what I got was full hand controls for brake
and gas, a steering knob, and a car which assumed it new best.

The adaption for the brake pedal actually clamped over the pedal
leaving me about a third to use my foot. This led to considerable
contortions when driving, sort of like a permanent curtsey to the
right. We Brits don't complain.

The car knew best, it would turn its lights on if it thought it was
dark. It would not turn its lights off, if it was dark, even if you
switched them off, until you locked the doors.

The car knew best, it would lock its doors when you moved the
selector out of 'park', it unlocked them when 'park'ed. Woe betide
the Hollywood stuntman who attempts the classic roll out the drivers
door before going over the cliff trick.

The car knew best, it would chime. It chimed for all sorts of things,
different patterns of  chiming, which I haven't the foggiest what
they meant. It chimed continuously if you turned the key off, left it
in and opened the door (like you would if you wanted to stop, admire
the view, feel the breeze, and smoke a cigar). If you turned off the
engine, the radio continued, but only until you opened the door.

The car knew best, it wanted to idle at 1800rpm - all the time - no
matter what the driving conditions. In city driving this considerably
heightened the excitement! I've heard of "creep", but with a 3litre
engine, this car wanted to creep at about 50mph!! I certainly got my
money's worth in brake wear. You learn a whole new way of driving,
leave the gas alone, and go faster by lifting off the brake pedal a
bit. To be fair, it may not have been the car's onboard computer at
fault, I suspect it was the hand accelerator, its extra weight was
too much for the puny spring on the gas pedal, because I discovered
(after quite a few thrills) that I could put my toe under the gas and
lift it to achieve a more sedate 500rpm. This considerably challenged
my dexterity, approaching junction, left foot on brake slowly
depressing, right foot under gas slowly lifting! All part of life's
rich pageant.

AND THEN THERE WAS MAINE!!

It may be the car came from Maine, it wanted to control me, tell me
what to do, Maine was a whole state doing the same, lots of signs
telling what I couldn't do. Did you know "Barrel picking" is illegal
in Maine? Believe me, I saw a sign, now if I knew what it was, I may
have been sorely tempted to assert my independence.


Our Silver Wedding present to ourselves, this trip to the US of A,
was memorable, enjoyable, and chock full of unmissable memories. 2002
will see us return, watch out Beth (its Florida - and we're bringing
the kids!!).

Cheers

Deri (definitely NoGood Boyo)

PS sorry for the length, curates egg approach, parts of it might be
good.