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Sent: April 26, 2001 1:18:03 AM GMT
Subject: Bush and Regis





Pryor <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
Date: Tue, 24 Apr 2001 10:53:38 -0400
From: Pryor
Reply-to: [log in to unmask]
Organization: Westside Middle School
To: Aldine Ketner ,
Angela Kirk ,
Ann Pryor ,
Christine Bock ,
Debbie Downs , Gabe Pryor ,
Kay Guess ,
"[log in to unmask]" ,
Molly Pryor ,
Shanda Hickman ,
Shawn Kerrelmeierlee ,
Sweet Kathi ,
Tricia Dyer , WorkB Pryor

Subject: white


http://www.liberalslant.com/white.htm



Thank You, Ralph Nader,
Wherever You Are


---------------------------------






By: Bill White










"Welcome to a very special "Who Wants to be a Millionaire,"' said Regis
Philbin.


"Ordinarily, we would begin with a fastest finger question for our
contestants, but in deference to our special guest, President George W.
Bush, we're going to let him take the first crack at making a million.


"Mr. President," Regis added, "this isn't meant to imply that you wouldn't
have won the fastest finger portion yourself."


"Thank you, Art. I am."


"What charity will you be playing for?"


"My winnings will go to National Wildlife Taxidermy Federation, which
protects the memory of our greatest national resource, our bears and
Siberian tigers and whatnot."


"I've never heard of that group."


"They go into wilderness areas where we need to drill for oil and natural
gas and arrange for the humane stuffing of the wild animals."


"Interesting. Well, let's get started with an easy question for $100. Global
warming primarily is caused by: A) Too many trees. B) Uncontrolled bank
mergers. C) Pollution from burning fossil fuels. D) There is no such thing
as global warming."


"Alex, I have a pretty good idea about this one, but I think I'll ask the
audience. I'm a big believer in surrounding yourself with the top
authoritarians in the field and then making decisive decisions to bring the
solution to an end."


"All right, let's ask the audience Ninety-nine percent say it's C,
greenhouse gases. Would you like to answer C?"


"I think I'd better phone a friend. Let's call Christine Todd Whitman, my
EPA director. We call her Cricket."


"Really? OK, we'll ask our friends at AT&T to connect us with her. Hello,
Christie, this is Regis Philbin. We have President Bush here, and he needs a
little help. Mr. President, you have 30 seconds."


"Cricket?"


"Yes, Mr. President."


"Listen carefully. Global warming is caused by: A) Too many trees. B)
Uncontrolled bank murmurs. C) Pollution from burning fossil fuels. D) There
is no such thing as global warming."


"That would be C, pollution from fossil fuels. I'm absolutely certain."
Click.


"Well," Regis said, "that was decisive, too. Ready to answer?"


"I'd like to call Dick Cheney?"


"You only get to dial one friend."


"Oh. We'd better use the 50-50 then."


"Mr. President, with all due respect, are you confused by the question?
Global warming results from trapping greenhouse gases in the atmosphere."


"Reggie, you might just as easily ask me if it's a good idea to allow more
arsenic in our drinking water."


"Actually, Mr. President, you are trying to allow more arsenic in our
drinking water."


"Exactly. Now let's see that 50-50."


"Computer, take away two wrong answers. OK, we're left with B and C. Too
many bank mergers, or the burning of fossil fuels. Speaking of bank mergers,
how about that Wachovia thing? There's a name for you."


"Hey, they promised me you wouldn't ask about world capitals!"


"I never mind. Did that 50-50 help you?"


"I'll go with D. Sometimes, the president has to make tough decisions.
Decisive. Tough. Compassionate."


"There is no such thing as global warming?"


"Right. I've had many discussions on this subject with my friends in the oil
and coal industries, and they've assured me that there is no sound science
to demonstrate that global warming really exists."


"Understanding that the computer just removed that answer and is telling us
it's wrong, do your sources on this issue have a transparent financial
interest in hornswoggling you?"


"Computers have been known to be wrong, Pat. There's no sound science to
suggest they work. Final answer."


"I'm sorry, Mr. President, but the correct answer is C."


"How about that. Well, I didn't expect to get such a tough one to start off,
but I'll just wish my predecessors over there good luck on the rest of the
show."


"Mr. President, it's been a pleasure. Any final messages for our television
audience?"


"No, but I'd like to apologize to our Polish friends for not recognizing the
name of their beautiful capital, Wachovia."


"I'm sure they understand."











Bill White is a contributing writer for Liberal Slant and a columnist for
The Morning Call











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