Dear Denise,
                First, I want to thank you for your sharings on denial.  They have been
both highly instructive and well-written, but even more, they open this
list to a new level of sharing which I appreciate. There are ways to deny
cp, without having a light brush of it.
        I have a moderately severe mixed-cp.  I am athetoid on the right side,
spastic on the left.  My speech is fuzzy but not that difficult.  I use an
electric wheel-chair outside and a walker, inside.  I live alone, and
attendants come three times a week for 4 hours each time.  I drink through
a straw, need to have my food cut up, but I can feed myself.
    I use a regular key-board with a guard over it so I can only hit one
key at a time.  I also use a kensington track-ball.  I have three master's
degrees and I have publish a book of poetry.  I am currently writing a novel.
        I am 49 years old.  My mother has always denied that I have cp.  And now
that my Dad has Alzheimer's, she denies that also.  As my mother's child, I
have denied my cp.  First, I thought that if I did my exercises and was a
good kid, I'd grow out of it.  When I was 25, and it became evident that I
wouldn't grow out of cp, I went through a religious phase and would wake up
every morning and check out whether or not God had healed me.  I wanted it
so bad because I thought I'd be more useful to God, have an easier life,
and maybe my mother would love me.  In my late 30's, I used drugs and
alcohol to deny my pain, both the psychic pain and physical pain because I
was at that time I had a lot of pain in my neck and shoulders, and was
losing the use of my left arm.
                I have done a lot of work on myself, seeing a psychologist, giving up
drugs and alcohol, giving up driving a car, and doing kung fu, feldenkrais,
shin jin jyutsu, and yoga.  Yesterday, I swam 20 laps in a warm water pool.
 I look for ways to relax my muscles without drugs or alcohol.  I take
calcium-magnesium-zinc.  I do keep a supply of flexiril for the bad spasms.
                I now accept that I will always have cp and seek to enjoy life with it,
while at the same time, being active in stretching, yoga and swimming.
                Denise, thanks again or your sharings on denial.  I hope that you will
respond to this posting, because sometimes when I share on this list, no
one responds and I feel more alone.
         Keep writing, Sister!
                                                                        Love,
                                                                                        Mariana

At 12:22 AM 11/7/99 -0500, you wrote:
>Perk: I think when we share our ideas and feelings it is a very good thing.
>It would help me very much if you could tell me what you think about denial.
>It would help me very much.  Anyway, I'm going to try and answer your
>question again.   Here goes:
>
>When I denied being disabled, what I did was just pretend there was nothing
>wrong with me.  (Like Steve said he pretended too)  I know it might sound
>silly, but a person can really fool themselves.  If you want to believe in
>something bad enough, you just can trick yourself until you honestly forget

>you have cerebal palsy!
>
>Steve also said, "Life's tough enough with CP.  Pretending CP isn't there
>makes life tougher."  He's right!  When I was kid and even when I was like 24
>years old, I was still pretending I walked straight, not all herky-jerky.
>Perk, when you were a little girl did you believe in monsters?  Did you ever
>know a little kid who REALLY believed in monsters?  If you are young, it is
>easy to be scared and truly believe there is a monster under your bed.  Even
>if all your friends and all the grown-ups try to tell you not to be scared,
>or there are no such things as monsters, you still can't sleep without the
>light on because you really think there is a monster and he's gonna 'get
>you.'
>
>I believed in a big bad monster!  Do you know what that monster was?  Well,
>my monster was letting myself believe I was disabled.  I was just too scared
>to stop pretending.  It didn't matter that the doctors told me I had cp, or
>that all the kids made fun of how I walked and called me a cripple.  I was SO
>scared of my monster, of letting myself believe I was disabled, I fooled
>myself into forgetting - or denying- I had cerebral palsy.
>
>Perk, did you ever have a hard time learning to do something?  When I was
>young, I had tons of trouble trying to learn fractions in math.  Everyone
>else in my class learned to use fractions right away.  Not me.  It took me
>almost two months longer!
>
>Well, just like when you are a kid in school, sometimes it takes you longer
>to learn a lesson even when you are an adult.  It took me longer to stop
>believing in my monster.  My life was much harder when I was still
>pretending.  Since I didn't believe I had cp, I didn't know what to do when I
>started having even more trouble walking.  When I was about 27 I started to
>fall down all the time.  I was tripping and falling at work.  I was very
>embarassed and scared.  I didn't know what to do!
>
>I finally had to stop pretending I wasn't disabled, because there was an even
>scarier monster!  I was scared to death because I didn't know how much worse
>I would get.  I was scared I would need crutches or a wheel chair.  I was
>scared because I never needed anything like that before.  If you needed a
>wheel chair or crutches when you were a kid, then you know it is nothing to
>be scared of, but I hadn't learned that lesson.
>
>Once I stopped denying- pretending- I wasn't disabled my whole life got
>better!  Because I finally let myself believe I had CP, I learned a hard
>lesson (like math).  I learned I could talk to other people who had cerebral

>palsy, like here on the list.  Perk, did you ever hear the song, "You light
>up my life" or maybe you saw the movie ET and know the song, "Turn on your
>heart light?"
>
>Well- I think of everybody here I can talk to on the list like a big bright
>light.  All friends with cp, we share and talk about our problems.   All of
>the good, bright shiney people with cp I talk with are like a great big night
>light.  So now, I'm not scared of the monster anymore!  I not scared to say
>"I have cerebral plasy."
>
>Perk, you might also want to read the post from Stephen Margolis, about
>Denial.  He explains things better than I did.  What he said, is how I feel
>too.  Please,Perk, write me back and tell me if this explains what I said
>about denial.  Thanks!  Denise
>