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From:
Trisha Cummings <[log in to unmask]>
Reply To:
St. John's University Cerebral Palsy List
Date:
Wed, 16 Feb 2000 07:04:35 -0500
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Greetings All,

            This article was posted on another list yesterday.


Discipline Without Disgrace
By Sue Dinwiddie

   Recent articles have advocated the virtues of bringing back shame for
disciplining children. "Shame," they proclaim "is the way to give
children a sense of right and wrong. Nothing wrong with a "good old
fashioned spanking."" they admonish. Although guiding children to have a
strong moral conscience should be a valid goal for both parents and
teachers, there is a lot wrong with trying to achieve this goal with
shaming.

 Shame - The Unexpected Effect
 What is shame and how does one accomplish it? "Shame," according to the
Webster's New Word Dictionary, is "a painful feeling of guilt for
improper behavior, etc.". Methods of shaming include spanking the child,
yelling at the child, belittling the child, etc. Instead of strengthening
an intrinsic  moral conscience in children, shaming has a totally different
effect.

 The Issues with Spanking
 First, consider spanking. At this point you may be thinking, "But I only
spank my child occasionally," or "My parents spanked me; what is wrong
with spanking?" There is a lot wrong with spanking. It is negative,
out-dated, and abusive. Because parents are often angry when they spank,
it can quickly get out of hand. Furthermore, the lessons the child receives
from spanking
are not those probably intended. Instead of learning, "Don't do this
behavior again because it is unsafe or morally wrong, " the messages
received by the child are "It is okay to hit if you are big;" and
"Violence is an acceptable way to solve problems." Additionally, spanking
encourages aggression inchildren. Children who are spanked frequently hit
their peers, especially
those who are smaller than they are.

 In addition to spanking, shaming is achieved with yelling, lecturing,
and belittling the child to make him feel terrible about the behavior.
Although the immediate results of shaming may cause the behavior to stop,
the long-term effects are negative. The child responds out of fear,
extrinsic motivation. The child does assimilate the consequences of the
behavior on others (other than the effect of angering the adult). The
child does not learn how to achieve desires in an acceptable manner.
Rather than strengthening moral conscience, this method leads to the 5 R's:
resentment, resistance, recalcitrance, rigidity, and revenge.

 But if shaming is off limits, what options are available for
disciplining out-of-bounds behavior? The good news is there are several
positive options. With these options parents can exchange the 5 R's of
shame for 5 A's. Instead of a resentful child, the child is guided to be
agreeable. A resistant child is exchanged for an assisting child. A
recalcitrant child can become an amenable child; while a rigid child is
traded for an adaptable child.
Revenge is replaced with accountability.

 The 5 A's

 The 5 A's, agreeable, assisting, amenable, adaptable, and accountable
are characteristic of responsibility. It is responsibility that is the
ultimate goal for our children. For lasting moral behavior they must
react out of intrinsic motivation. They must act because they believe
their actions are right and moral, and because they comprehend and take
responsibility for the consequences of their actions upon others.

 The most effective method to help children gain a sense of
responsibility for their behavior is to engage them in problem-solving.
In problem-solving the child is guided to verbalize feelings, and desire,
to analyze the effects of the behavior, and to brainstorm acceptable
means of achieving the desires.   As children become aware of the effects
of their actions while being guided in how to get what they want
acceptably, their moral conscience and their sense of responsibility is
strengthened. Of course, children do not become moral, responsible adults
overnight; the more they practice, the more they succeed.

 How Can a Parent Help a Young Child Problem-solve?

 The first step with young children is to help them define what they
actually wanted to accomplish, their desire. Behavior in healthy young
children is motivated by wanting something. Negative behavior usually
results from choosing the wrong means to achieve the desire, rather than
from malicious
intent or a character deficit. For example, three year old Tommy is
writing on the mirror with Mother's new red lipstick. Mother certainly
views this behavior as undesirable. Her first task is to listen to Tommy
to discover his desire. Using an "I" statement she can let Tommy know her
feelings and the reasons for them. ("I feel __, when you __, because __.)
She could say, "Tommy, I feel angry when you draw on the mirror with my
new lipstick because it ruins the lipstick and gets the mirror dirty."
Now Tommy has some information about how Mother feels as well as the
effects of his behavior.

 Gathering Information

 Step two involves gathering information. Mother must do some detective
work with Tommy to discover what he wanted to achieve. In this case two
possible motives come to mind: He may want to draw a picture; or he may
want to get mother's attention. It is important to help him define what
he wanted because the appropriate means to achieve his desires will be
different in each case.   Instead of spanking or yelling at Tommy, which
will lead to the 5 R's, Mother can now try an "I wonder statement."
"Tommy, I wonder what you wanted that made you draw on the mirror with my
new red lipstick." Young children who are not intimidated and fearful
tend to be quite honest. Tommy might innocently say, "I wanted to draw a
red picture."

 Identifying Choices

 Step three involves helping the child find an acceptable choice for
accomplishing his desire. Mother could engage Tommy in problem-solving an
acceptable way to draw his red picture. "Tommy, I don't want you to draw
with my lipstick, and I don't want drawing on the mirror, how else could
you draw a red picture?" She is now encouraging some analytical thinking on
Tommy's part. If he is silent for more than 45 seconds (children need
some quiet time to gather their thoughts), she could give him some hints.
"Let's think about how you have drawn pictures in the past? What could
you use besides the lipstick and mirror?" The more practice Tommy has in
problem-solving, the more choices he will generate. If he suggests a
choice which is acceptable to him, but not to Mother, she can help him
predict the consequences of his actions. Tommy could decide, "I could use
the red crayon on the mirror." Mother could counter, "The red crayon is a
good choice, but what will happen to the mirror with the red crayon on
it?" With luck Tommy will acknowledge it will mark it up. If he doesn't
understand this, Mother could explain. "Tommy the mirror needs to be
clean so we can see into it. When lipstick or crayon are on it, we can't
see ourselves well. What else could you draw on?" Tommy may volunteer, "I
could get some paper," or "I could get my drawing book."

 Making Amends Without Shame

 The third step involves Mother helping Tommy make amends for his
behavior, again without shaming him. After agreeing that Tommy has found
an acceptable choice for drawing his red picture, she can help him atone
for his actions and see the consequences. Mother could say, "Tommy,
drawing a red picture on paper with a red crayon is a good choice. First,
let's work together to get the lipstick off the mirror." While they are
working she will gently point out that it is hard to remove the lipstick.
She may also confide that she is sad about the state of her new red
lipstick after being used to draw. She is not shaming Tommy nor making him
feel guilty, but she is teaching him theconsequences of actions and how to
find appropriate alternatives.
Suppose Tommy answered Mother's question about his intentions with "No
one was playing with me." Mother helps Tommy define his problem, "You
were  unhappy because no one was paying attention to you." She can move
right
to step three and inquire, "What are some okay choices for you if you
want someone to play with you?" Tommy may respond, "I could ask you; but
you were on the telephone." Now Mother can help Tommy think of choices
when she is on the phone. Certainly, this situation will come up again.
"Yes, you could ask me to play with you. This is a good choice. If I say
I can't play right now, what else could you do?" Tommy may say, "I don't
know." Mother might respond, "Well, what are some one-person things you
like to do?" Tommy might say, "I like to draw pictures." Mother agrees,
"Yes, that is a one-person thing to do; but I don't want you to draw
pictures on the mirror with my lipstick. How else could you draw a
picture?"

 Once Tommy has generated an acceptable choice, Mother again guides him
to make amends for his actions by helping her clean the mirror. While
cleaning, she and Tommy may think of a list of one-person things he likes
to do. She could jot them down and later, with Tommy's help, make a
picture-list showing each activity. Although Tommy probably can't read
the words, he can read the pictures. The picture list could be posted on
the refrigerator as a reminder.

 Of course, Mother will not always have the patience to problem-solve
with Tommy. If either Mother or Tommy is too angry at the moment to
problem-solve, either one or both can benefit from cool-off time. Unlike
time-out where Tommy is being punished for his actions, and possibly
shamed, cool-off time
is an interim procedure until he is calm enough to problem-solve. It is
important to validate the child's feelings. "I see you are very angry. It
is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit (or to throw things.) You
need to cool-off, then we can solve the problem."

 Cooling Off

 Cool-off works best when there is a consistent cool-off place in the
house. Many families use the child's bedroom. Some families use a sofa or
the bottom step of the stairs. Since cool-off is not a punishment, the
child may play with toys or look at books. Cool-off is not meant as a
deterrent. It is a time to shift gears from misbehavior and rage into
problem-solving
acceptable behavior and ways to make amends. The parent should check back
with the child in a couple of minutes to see if she is ready to
problem-solve. If the rage is still intense the parent says, "I see you
are still angry. I will check back in a few more minutes." It is expecting
too much of a child to
decide for herself when she is ready to leave her cool-off spot. She it
already out of control, now she is told to take the ultimate control to
monitor herself. Parents ask what to do when the child won't stay in the
cool-off place. Until the child is used to the procedure, the parent may
have to stay with the child or keep returning the child to the cool-off
place. However, it won't take too many times for the child to understand
that this procedure is not a punishment but an aid in getting her desires
met.

 When parents become angry, they can also use a cool-off time. "I am so
angry that my new lipstick is ruined that I need to cool-off before we
problem-solve." says Mother. Parent's cool-off strategies vary; examples
include sitting in a chair, turning on music, running up and down the
stairs, or simply counting. As Thomas Jefferson said, "When angry, count
ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred." By using a "cool-off"
parents model for children as well as taking measures to prevent
over-reaction or abuse. Of course, parents don't always have time to
problem-solve with their children. There are other positive options
available. In fact, these options are right in the MIRROR.

 Make a game
 Ignore
 Redirect
 Restructure the environment
 Offer choice
 Resolve with problem-solving

 Make a game: Mother states to Tommy, "Oh, Tommy I cannot let you draw on
the mirror with my new red lipstick. It dirties the mirror so we can't
see well and it ruins the lipstick. I shall wave my magic wand and turn
us into cleaners. You can help me scrub the lipstick off the mirror."

 Ignore: If the behavior is not harming anyone or anything, the parent
may choose to ignore it. This techniques can be effective when the child
is doing nondestructive behavior for parent attention. It is always
better to reward positive behavior with attention than negative behavior.
Ignoring is not a recommended technique to use with Tommy and the lipstick.

 Redirect the child: Mother does not have time to problem-solve. Instead
she directs Tommy to an appropriate action, giving him reasons. "Tommy, I
feel angry when you draw on the mirror with my new red lipstick. It
dirties the mirror and ruins the lipstick. Draw your picture with your
pens on the paper in the kitchen." Tommy is told how to accomplish his goals
acceptably.
Note, Tommy has not been helped to make amends.

 Restructure the environment: By changing the people, the object, the
time, or the space, the dynamic is put in new alignment. Mother realizes
Tommy frequently misbehaves when she is talking on the phone. She
restructures the environment by saving her phone conversations for when
he is in bed. Or she restructures the environment by providing an activity
basket for Tommy touse while she is talking on the phone. The basket could
hold a small box
of leggos, some pens and paper, some playdough, etc. Creating a play
space for Tommy near the telephone, may make him feel more attended to as
well as helping Mother to better monitor him.

 Offer choice: There are three methods of offering choice:

 Method 1: Offer two acceptable alternatives: Mother offers, "Tommy, I
don't want you to ruin my lipstick and get the mirror dirty. You may draw
on paper with a red pen or you may make a picture on the mirror with
glass wax."

 Method 2: Present a "when, then choice:" Mother instructs, "Tommy, the
red lipstick is getting ruined and soiling the mirror. When you clean it
off with the glass wax, then I will read you the story you have been
wanting."

 Method 3: Encourage compliance with an"either, or choice:" This method
would be appropriate if Tommy were using his own tool (lipstick or pen)
to draw on the mirror. "Tommy, you are soiling the mirror with your
lipstick. Lipstick goes on lips. Either use it only on you lips, or I
will take it back." Having Tommy clean off the mirror is a recommended
consequences of actions to follow-up. Sometimes the "either,or choice"
includes the consequences of actions:

 Rachel is screaming at the top of her lungs. Father says, "Rachel, you
are hurting my ears, either stop screaming or I will take you to your
room when you may scream behind your closed door." Resolve with
problem-solving: Through problem-solving your child will learn the most
valuable life lessons. Analytical thinking skills are enhanced as the child
builds a repertoire
of acceptable strategies to accomplish desires. Children strengthen
divergent thinking skills as they think up new choices to affect their
desires. Verbalizing feelings and desires as well as listening to parents
reasons and feelings builds positive communication skills. Finally,
children who help decide the rules of the house through problem-solving,
are invested in abiding by them.

 It is always a good idea to evaluate your response to misbehavior later.
Did you feel good about the discipline technique you chose? Was it
effective? If the answer is no, plan now for next time. Which of the
positive options might have been more effective? The good news is that
you will soon have another opportunity to try another option.

 Positive Discipline

 Positive discipline to build responsibility is much more productive for
children than shame and guilt. Although young children seem to misbehave
a lot; in fact, they are simply learning how to get their desires met.
The job of the adult in their lives is to help them acquire positive
strategies. Children who learn acceptable techniques grow up to become
responsible adults who act from a strong moral conscience which revolves
around predicting and evaluating the consequences of actions.

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