Isn't that Maccabees?
         Grin

> It's about time the Tithe were raised.  Especially given the competition
> from wannabees.
>
> Definitely Christ.  Most definitively Jewish.
>
> Where do I send my donation?
>
> S.
>
> ----Original Message Follows----
> From: "Kyle E. Cleveland" <[log in to unmask]>
> Subject: Re: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"
> Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 12:06:07 -0500
>
> They also reported that He's not happy that people are giving less than
10%:
>
>
>        "Historically, I have asked for no more than 10 percent of the
total
> earnings of my flock," said Christ in a 25-minute statement aired on
> Christian television stations throughout the world, including Trinity
> Broadcasting Network, Eternal Word Television, and Cristo Telemundo. "But
> recent cost analyses by my accountants indicate that current donations
from
> my believers are not at this level and are insufficient to meet my earthly
> financial needs."
>
>        Christ underscored his point with an earning/expenditure chart
> illustrating that in the first quarter of 1997, He listened to an average
of
> 233 million prayers per day while collecting daily revenues of $6 million.
>
>        "This works out to just two and a half cents per prayer, which
barely
> even covers my overhead," Christ said. "If this sort of fiscal imbalance
> continues, I may have to answer even fewer prayers in the future."
>
>        "In my Father's house are many mansions," Christ said. "They are
not
> cheap to maintain."
>
>        Christ cited Warner Robins, GA, resident Willard Baines as a prime
> example of the sort of tight-fisted follower with whom He is frustrated.
>
>        "Mr. Baines owns a grain-and-feed business that takes in some
> $800,000
> a year, thanks in no small part to his faith in Me. Yet, last Sunday, he
put
> just a single dollar in his church's collection plate," Christ said. "If I
> am not mistaken, this works out to a donation of just .00010052 percent of
> his overall gross-adjusted income for the said fiscal period, a far cry
from
> the recommended 10 percent."
>
>        "He also lusted after his niece on two occasions," the Savior said.
>
>    Too funny!
>
> -Kyle
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Trisha Cummings [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
> Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2000 12:04 PM
> To: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"
>
>
> If it's "The Onion"  a satirical magazine at http://www.theonion.com/   it
> is poking fun - I am not upset - they also Found Christ in a Potato.
>
>
>
>  > I dont get it either. It looks like a lot of things Trisha has said. Do
> you
>  > think this was meant to be funny, or an actual column?
>  >
>  > ----------
>  > > From: Kyle E. Cleveland <[log in to unmask]>
>  > > To: [log in to unmask]
>  > > Subject: Ask A Wiccan...From "The Onion"
>  > > Date: Tuesday, March 21, 2000 10:38 AM
>  > >
>  > > Dear Wiccan,
>  > > Our youngest child just went off to college, and empty-nest syndrome
=
>  > > has
>  > > really begun to set in. My wife and I thought this would be a time
for
> =
>  > > us to
>  > > rediscover our freedom, but instead the joy has left our household.
Any
>  > > tips?
>  > > --Lonesome In Lodi=20
>  > >
>  > > Dear Lonesome,=20
>  > > Blessed be! When forming your Coven, be mindful that it is very =
>  > > different
>  > > from performing your Workings as a solitary witch. Rituals involving
a
>  > > Gathering of pagans, led by a wise High Priest or Priestess, are much
=
>  > > more
>  > > powerful through the Coven. Drawing down the moon, consecrating a =
>  > > sacred
>  > > bolline-knife and casting the scrying magicks alongside your
>  > > widdershins-walking fellow-souls is not only a real and powerful =
>  > > celebration
>  > > of Nature, it is also a solemn and dignified Communion among our
folk!
> =
>  > > The
>  > > Lord and Lady smile upon the hour of your Circle's meeting, and may
the
>  > > Goddess grant that your path be true and your Craft blessed!=20
>  > >
>  > > Dear Wiccan,=20
>  > > I'm a single man in his mid-30s who's never had much luck with women.
I
>  > > become very uncomfortable and awkward around the ones I'm interested
=
>  > > in.
>  > > I've talked to a lot of people about the problem, but no one ever
seems
> =
>  > > to
>  > > have any good advice. Can you help?
>  > > --Shy In Cheyenne=20
>  > >
>  > > Dear Shy,=20
>  > > Merry meet! All other dweomers being equal, the phases of Mother Moon
=
>  > > are
>  > > the most powerful magickal influence upon any incantation you may =
>  > > devise.
>  > > The Goddess has charged our heavenly protectoress with the turning of
=
>  > > tides
>  > > and seasons--astral as well as earthly--and as She waxes and wanes,
so
> =
>  > > does
>  > > the potency of our charms! In some of Her phases, the amethyst
crystal
> =
>  > > can
>  > > sharpen your sixth sense, and it may be twinned to your runestones,
or
> =
>  > > even
>  > > steeped in a healthful nettle-and-foxglove tea to aid in your
>  > > scrying-spells. But beware! In other phases, the opposite is true,
and
> =
>  > > using
>  > > any crystal but the blood-tourmaline will rend your power from you or
=
>  > > twist
>  > > your magicks along the Dark Path! So that you may step carefully, =
>  > > consult
>  > > with your circle's Elders before attempting any of the rituals or
>  > > incantations of the Major Arcana. If your Elders are fasting, =
>  > > meditating or
>  > > Wind-walking, seek ye the 69 convergent Lunar phases in the
grimoiries
> =
>  > > of
>  > > our hallowed Sage, Wolfling SilverRaven. At the very least, please =
>  > > consult
>  > > your Tarot!=20
>  > >
>  > > Dear Wiccan,=20
>  > > My son is probably just a normal 15-year-old, but he seems to want
>  > > absolutely everything: CD players, video games, cellular phones--even
a
> =
>  > > car!
>  > > I want to be good to him and treat him to nice things, but I don't
want
> =
>  > > to
>  > > spoil him rotten. How much stuff is too much for today's teen?=20
>  > > --Behind The Times In Trenton=20
>  > >
>  > > Dear Trenton,=20
>  > > May Brigid bless your path! The Wiccan Rede entreats all of our =
>  > > fellowship
>  > > to do as we will, but remember: The most important law is to Harm
None!
>  > > Injudicious use of passion spells, Fascination-charms or love potions
=
>  > > to
>  > > bind an unwitting being to your soul, whether human lover or feline
>  > > familiar, is unworthy of even the Horn=E9d God! The person thus =
>  > > ensorcelled is
>  > > bereft of Freewill and becomes a mere golem without motivation of his
=
>  > > or her
>  > > own. This is but a mockery of love, and if non-Wiccans find that we =
>  > > have
>  > > been practicing such strong and forbidden Magicks, their wrath would
be
>  > > kindled and the Burning Times upon us again! Wicca is not about power
=
>  > > or
>  > > control. Wicca is the sun on one's face, the breeze in one's hair,
the
>  > > mysteries of the stars, sun, moon and everything else that science =
>  > > cannot
>  > > explain. Only by staying true to Goddess, Rede and Craft may we =
>  > > harmonize
>  > > with the ebb and flow of Nature's cycles. Stray from this, and we
shall
> =
>  > > be
>  > > exiled to the Dark Lands in a dark time! Blessed Parting, my brethren
=
>  > > and
>  > > sistren!=20
>  > >
>  > > Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly =
>  > > column,
>  > > Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is
also
> =
>  > > the
>  > > author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of
Upper
>  > > Illinois, and has just released a CD, Blessed Morning!, a collection
of
>  > > Celtic chants accompanied by crystal Tibetan singing bowls
>
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