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Subject:
From:
"Kyle E. Cleveland" <[log in to unmask]>
Reply To:
St. John's University Cerebral Palsy List
Date:
Thu, 17 Feb 2000 08:15:50 -0500
Content-Type:
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Yeah, Trisha, but I find it's easier to just shoot myself  ;>)

-----Original Message-----
From: Trisha Cummings [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2000 7:08 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Good Article on Extreme Stress


Good Morning,

          I was doing my morning reading with coffee and ran across this
article. I thought it was interesting and gave some good advice. It always
amazes when you need good words you find them.

                                          Brightest Blessings
                                              Trisha


Divorce, Depression, Death... Surviving Extreme Stress

- February 17, 2000
By DR. MATTHEW ANDERSON, D. Min.


Sooner or later, almost everyone experiences extreme stress. It may be
divorce, illness, job loss, depression, death of a loved one or numerous
other difficult life events that shake and shatter our inner and outer
lives.

Whatever the cause, the experience is the same. We are deluged by an
assortment of powerful and often frightening feelings that cloud our
judgment, exhaust our inner resources and pummel our immune system.

In our attempt to survive this disturbing event we often resort to behaviors
that may momentarily relieve the stress but ultimately add to its effects.
Healthy eating habits deteriorate, our use of alcohol and drugs increases
and often we spend too much money on the wrong items and not enough on what
would really help.

Seldom are we prepared to meet life's trials with a coherent system of
support that helps us productively manage and even transform its destructive
effects. Usually, we wait until we are in the midst of the mess and then we
flail about in a frantic search for solutions.

If you or someone you care about are in the midst of an extremely stressful
event, you will find the following guidelines enormously helpful and
possibly even life-saving.

They have been drawn from 30 years of personal and professional experience.
Every guideline has been tested and proven in the most severe conditions.
Take the time to read them carefully and apply as many as you can. You will
see noticeable results.


DON'T SHARE YOUR PAIN WITH FOOLS.
It is important to share your emotional pain but be selective and thoughtful
about whom you choose. Don't set yourself up for disappointment and
additional stress by opening your hurting heart to an insensitive,
uncompassionate confidant, even if that person is your spouse.

Take your pain seriously. You are in a very difficult life event. Your
well-being, your health, possibly even your life is at stake.

Pick a confidant who can perceive the gravity of your situation. Your usual
friends, your family, and/or your spouse may or may not be able to help.
Think about it, choose wisely and then act on it. Don't worry about whose
feelings you may hurt. You need help. Take care of yourself first.

EXPECT TO FEEL HOPELESS

One of the most useful tools for surviving extreme stress is a "map of
territory." Helplessness is most often part of the terrain you will cross as
you navigate the emotional obstacles. If you expect it, as matter of the
course, you will not be overwhelmed by it.

The feeling of helplessness occurs when you take a series of blows to your
emotional stomach. You are in darkness. You cannot find a way out. You hurt.
You feel powerless to change things in a positive way.

The key here is understanding. This feeling, however painful and pervasive
it may seem, is normal for the circumstance. It is part of the experience.
You cannot avoid it. Don't run from it. Let it be. Wait awhile and it will
change. Be sure that you see it for what it is (temporary) and do not make
any significant decisions while you are in the midst of it.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE DEPTHS

One of the good things about emotional pain is that it takes us down past
the surface of ourselves into our inner depths. When we hurt, we often begin
to ask important questions:

Who am I really? Why is this happening to me? What is my responsibility?
Where is God in all of this? What do I really want? How do I need to change
my life? Who are my real friends? What do I really value? What is my
purpose? Does life have any meaning? What has guided me so far and does it
need adjustments? What has been missing? Does all this pain have a purpose,
a meaning, a lesson or a gift? (Yes, if you have the courage to look for
it.)

Think about it. If you are hurting anyway, why not get something positive
out of it? Choose to use this experience. Ask yourself hard questions and
look for the answers. They will come. You won't regret it.

LET NATURE NURTURE YOU

Most Americans are nature-deprived. We live in insulated, sealed houses,
offices, cars, shopping centers, movie theaters and even sports centers.
Weather is something we avoid or at best tolerate. Being outdoor, for us, is
about doing something active like sailing, surfing, rollerblading or golf.
The activity assumes precedence over simply being with/in nature.

It is important to remember, especially during periods of extreme stress,
that you are a mammal. You are part of the animal kingdom and you need
consistent contact with the quiet but powerfully nurturing care of Mother
Nature.

You need to feel the strong supportive earth beneath your bare feet. You
need to smell the roses, the orchids, the jasmine and the simple green of
the grass in your back yard.

You need to lean back, close your eyes and let the sunshine warm your face
and your soul. You need to listen to crickets, frogs, birds, and wind in the
tops of trees.

Take the time (you need it) to spend half an hour with "your" Mother Nature
every day. DO IT!

TALK ABOUT YOUR SUFFERING

If you want to get through this event as quickly and as positively as you
can, you are going to have to talk about your suffering with the right
people in the right way.

Refer to the first item before choosing the right person... and be sure to
consider a counselor. Sometimes we all could use the help of a trained
guide.

Yes, there is a right way (a way that works best) to communicate your pain.
First, get past any of those foolish ideas that you can handle this alone.
No one can and no one has.

People who attempt to follow the idiotic adage, "pull yourself up by your
own boots' straps" always fall on their butts.

Second, when you do share your suffering, do it from your heart not your
head. Don't intellectualize it. Open your heart, pour out your feelings and
don't hold back. This probably means tears.

Tears are good. They help you heal. Let yourself cry, scream, rage, whimper,
laugh or even make weird noises. Give voice to what hurts with as much
energy as you can. Healing will follow.

EXPECT IT TO TAKE LONGER THAN YOU CAN STAND

This is another "terrain guideline." The more we know about what to expect
from extreme stress, the better we handle it.

It is a common characteristic of extreme stress that it seems to last longer
than we can tolerate it. We pray "Oh God, please make this go away. I can't
take it another day!"

Then another day comes and it's more of the same. What do we do? We step
back and re-evaluate who we are and what we can stand.

It's time for growth. Time to take a serious self-assessment and consider
than you were wrong about how big you thought you were. Maybe you are much
stronger than that. "OK, I got through today. I'll take tomorrow when it
comes."

An amazing thing will occur when you make the statements above. You will
expand. You will increase your tolerance for pain. You will become a
stronger person.

Try it. You won't like it... at first.

FIND A NEW GOD

Many of us find ourselves in the middle of a world of hurt and we scream,
"My God, why have you forsaken me?" We feel abandoned and forgotten. How
could God allow this? Where is HE when we need Him?

Your reaction is normal, but the solution is not always obvious. You have
not been abandoned. It is simply time for you to change Gods, meaning, it is
time to expand your ideas about God and how He cares for you.

This old story best illustrates the point:

An Arab sheik was traveling across a desert. He came to an oasis and
observed a traveler exhausted and sleeping under a palm tree. As he slept,
he snored and when he opened his mouth a deadly snake crawled down his
throat. Immediately, the sheik, seeing the danger, woke the traveler and
began to whip him and chase around the waterhole.

The traveler screamed, "Great sheik, why are you torturing me so? What have
I done to deserve your wrath?" But the sheik did not relent until the
confused and exhausted man finally fell to his knees and threw up. Out came
the snake and he realized what had occurred. Quickly he threw himself at the
feet of his savior and cried, "Thank you, thank you for saving me. You are
wise and wonderful. I owe you my life."

Is your God big enough to be using your difficulty to save your life? If
not, find one that is.

PRACTICE EGOCIDE, NOT SUICIDE

It is not uncommon and certainly not crazy to have thoughts of suicide
during periods of extreme stress. When we feel hopeless and powerless, we
look for any antidote we can find. Sometimes suicide feels like the only
alternative. There is another way out. It takes courage but it works.

When life is tough, really tough, it is your ego that takes a beating. Ego
means your sense of who you are, your most dominant and inclusive definition
of self. When you are assaulted by extreme stress, that "picture" of who you
are has to change.

Maybe you saw yourself as independent and self-sufficient. Now you have to
let go of that idea and learn to ask for help.

Maybe you believed you were an excellent parent. Now you have to face your
inadequacies or failures. Maybe you thought you were mentally and
emotionally healthy. Now you have to admit you are an alcoholic or an
addict.

Some "part" of who you thought you were has to die. Some treasured aspect of
your self-image has to disintegrate. BUT NOT YOUR WHOLE SELF!

You are more than the piece that has to be relinquished. In fact, that
letting go, that personal sacrifice, will often lead to new life. Have
courage.

DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN THINGS GET BETTER

One of the most difficult aspects of extreme stress is that period in which
we think and feel, "It's never going to get better."

We look to the future and see more of what we are already unhappy about.
Thinking this painful thought is an indicator that we have forgotten one of
the basic Laws of the Universe: Sooner or later, everything changes.

You, of course, want things to change sooner. That's normal but not likely.
However, you can count of the veracity of the Law. Things will change. Life
will get better. You will learn and you will heal. Surprises that you never
imagined will occur. Spring always follows Winter. Life goes through
cycles -- yours is no exception.

Look around you. There are signs of change already present. Look again and
again. Take a breath and expect to be surprised.

REMEMBER - THE REST OF US ARE COUNTING ON YOU

Difficult times cause us to bend our heads so low that we can only see our
own navel. We forget that other people exist. More than that, we forget
other people are counting on us: family, friends, business associates and
even people we don't know yet.

This guideline is not B.S. It is the truth. No one lives in a vacuum.
Everybody matters, especially you. You effect the lives of the people around
you. They need you to grow, to change, to heal. They need to know that you
can survive this thing you are struggling with. Why? Because, if you can,
they can.

You are a potential hero here. No kidding. What you do with your hard times
matters a lot to the rest of us. Hold your head up for a moment and look
around. We care about you. You matter to us. Hang in there. PLEASE.


EDITOR'S NOTE: Dr. Matthew Anderson lives and works in Boca Raton, Florida.
This lengthy, powerful piece merely scratches the surface; stay tuned for
Dr. Anderson's next installment of "Surviving Hell."

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