All families are strangers, all strangers family.  Where else do all
human strengths and weaknesses get learned and tried but first in our
"families," then those whom we choose to reflect the best and/or worst
of ourselves?

Why should our families "know" or "act" better?  They burn with denial,
anguish, stigmata, fear, loathing, guilt--all hidden, covert, playing
out in evasion and good intentions, family love.  We with disabilities
stamp their Mark of Cain: the fatal flaw that might recur or pollute
their gene pool, the flesh and blood insignia of their vulnerabilities.

The need for acceptance never finds fulfillment from others.  The need
comes from within, sits at the table of conflict between what we are and
what we want to be.

Our work in life is to find and complete ourselves.  Others can give us
shades of what they know or don't know, of that we can accept or reject
as we see fit.  On the path we love and marry or not, make and raise
children or not, live to old age or not, die either in peace or torment.
In one way or another we pass on genes and psyches and then fade away.

The strangers who stare at us, who are they, at what do they stare?
They are views of you and me seeing what we don't see and don't want to
see any more or less than they.

So it goes: endowments for the next generation.

I often wonder why those who cannot fix themselves apply such energy to
try to fix others.

ISM





-----Original Message-----


>From:  "Denise D. Goodman" <[log in to unmask]>
>To:    [log in to unmask]
>Subject:       Disabilities w/family & strangers
>Date:  Fri, 10 Dec 1999 09:21:06 EST
>
>Cindy Said, "... it's bad enough from strangers, but when it comes from
>your
>own  family, it's more then I can bare."    Betty said, "As soon as
they
>found out I had a neurological impairment, they decided that they would
>throw
>every vitamin regimen and mountain man cure at me they could think of.
"
>Anee tells of her grandfather's outlook on disability.  Bobby said, "We
all
>are related to opinionated people."
>
>Funny, you would think family should know better, but that is rarely
true.
>My mother still insists my diet is all wrong!  And if I would only
>subscribe >to these "diets for arthritis, etc" my pain would magically
disappear.  She
>tends to overlook the spasms and muscle tightness as the real cause of
the
>pain.  Still, I know she means well.  So I just take all the articles
she
>clips, read them over, then file them away in the "round-file" (trash
can).
>
>
>And like Anee, I had a very stubborn grandparent.  My grandmother was
the
>picture of health for 70 years.  She didn't even take ANY medication,
and
>she >walked more than five miles a day (she never learned to drive).
She was
>diagnosed with cervical cancer, underwent all sorts of treatment and in
>less >than two years she was horribly incapacitated.  I tried so hard
to help her
>come to grips with the limitations she had.  She was so independent and
>never >took help from anyone.  When she did need help, it broke her
spirit.  I
>tried >to tell her I understood how difficult it was (since I'd
recently had to
>quit >working and alter my own life).  Of course CP is not cancer, but
I tried to
>relate to her on the limitations.  My grandmother was more angry and
afraid
>of not being able to do what she wanted by herself, than she was of
dieing
>from cancer.  I felt very bad for her because her last year of life was
so
>miserable.  More than the chemo and her impending death, her loss of
>control >and independance is what made her so miserable.  I think part
of why I am
>more comfortable with my own limitations today is because I saw how
>devastating not letting go and accepting was to gram.  - Denise.

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