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This is even more hilarious because it's true.
FLYING NORTH
The New Cold War
Scandinavian imperialists set their sights on Santa's realm.
BY BRIDGET JOHNSON
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 12:01 a.m.
As if the insurgency in Iraq and the hunt for Osama bin Laden weren't
enough, now another global crisis is emerging--a crisis that threatens
to shred longstanding alliances, a brewing conflict that promises to pit
countries already annoyed at each other against each other on the
meanest battleground on Earth. And just in time for Christmas.
Denmark has announced it's laying claim to the North Pole. Clutch the
tinsel.
And the Danes aren't the only ones smitten with this hunk of ice: Canada
insists it's Maple Leaf territory. Russia desires an area even more
torturous than Siberia. Norway says no way; it belongs to Oslo. And the
United States may jump into the fray because . . . well . . . hmm.
I can almost see the new protest signs: "No reindeer blood for oil."
Yes, it's all about black gold--and probably a few bragging rights for
literally being on top of the world. Oil--politicians get crucified the
minute they touch a drop of crude stock, but we all use it, all need it,
and would wail like soiled toddlers if gas went up to five bucks a
gallon. And oil is thought to be in abundance below the pole. It's
Santa's perennial gift to world energy markets, even better than a lump
of coal.
So Denmark wants its hands on the bubbling crude that the North Pole
promises to secrete. And if the Danes can prove that St. Nick's lair is
just a scientific extension of Greenland, they may have a point. But who
has the might?
We can count on some countries not to fight for control of the North
Pole. France, for one. A French occupation of the North Pole could
definitely ruffle some feathers, particularly if they pass a ban on red
head coverings with white fur trim. No doubt North Korea would love
owning the North Pole simply for the boost it would give to Kim Jong
Il's ego, but dictators are so busy trying to keep their jobs nowadays.
And Libya is bucking for the Nobel Prize for Reformed Terrorists, so
throwing troops into the Arctic would probably be a bad idea.
The British should jump into the imperialistic fray for old time's sake,
but they're fussing with the pole for other reasons right now. Explorer
Tom Avery plans on disproving or proving in a spring expedition whether
American Robert Peary actually reached the pole in 38 days in 1909.
Might this man secretly have plans to plunge a British flag into the ice
upon arrival? Does that "king of the mountain" mentality still work?
The race for control of the North Pole--no call yet on whether it's
liberation or oppression--begins where most global kerfuffles do: at the
United Nations. The 1986 Convention on the Law of the Sea states that
coastal countries can grab whatever's 230 miles from their shores for an
offshore economic zone. The impending North Pole War would no doubt pull
the Security Council together for another informative, inspirational
meeting to do what they do best: pass resolutions. And pass more
resolutions. Maybe a resolution supporting the rights of indigenous elves?
The biggest problem lies in that an unstable North Pole could end up a
haven for nefarious activity. Islamic fundamentalists may take over the
area and turn it into a frigid sharia state. If they're going to force
women to be swathed in black, might as well get them out of the
100-degree temps. Then al Qaeda could occupy the area for covert
terrorist training camps, the plus side being that their feet would fall
off from frostbite.
For now, though, we have at most five players in the impending war:
Canada, Denmark, Norway, Russia and perhaps the U.S. There may be some
real problems with America acquiring the North Pole, though. For one,
the American Civil Liberties Union has made it clear that you can't
force seasonal religious symbols on any poor, unsuspecting schmoes. So
Santa's workshop would have to become a nonsectarian union manufacturer
with elves who threaten walkouts every Dec. 1, wanting bigger contracts
and dropping productivity by at least two gifts per child. The ACLU
would also conduct a thorough cleansing of the premises to make sure the
word "Christmas" is wiped from every slate and replaced with "holiday."
They'd be at the top of their game while at the top of the world.
Canada has asserted attitude over the region; a pilot who had to ditch
his plane near the pole in 2000 was accused of littering by Environment
Canada. This points to another concern: Since the purpose of achieving
pole rights would be to rape the ice for oil, militant environmentalists
could join the fight. Earth First! would be truly disheartened, though,
to find no SUVs to torch, and may start attacking sleds.
A Russian grab at the pole probably wouldn't be the best idea for a
country whose base there sank in March, but Moscow may be hoping that
the oil treasure would more than compensate for the soggy researchers.
Oil can't hurt, as Saddam's in jail getting pudgy on muffins instead of
sliding crude in the Russians' direction. Besides, they need something
good to fight about in the Duma--Liberal Democratic Party pooh-bah
Vladimir Zhirinovsky hasn't decked anyone's halls in a while.
If it comes down to might, Denmark and Norway have the puniest
militaries--1.2 million and 1.1 million available military manpower
respectively, according to the CIA World Factbook. Canada's 8.4 million
are shadowed by Russia's 39.1 million (no sobriety ratio given) and
America's 73.5 million--though oddly, the U.S. is the only one of these
counties for which "fit for military service" stats were "not
available." Perhaps it depends on if the Grinch--er, Rep. Charles
Rangel--tries to push a draft again.
This whole impending war could severely affect the brisk North Pole
travel industry. While crawling the Web for pole info, I got hit with ad
banners for North Pole expeditions, North Pole vacations, North Pole
weather. When appendages start to fall off, does the degree of chill
really matter?
There's also a link to the town that tries to steal some holly jolly
thunder from the real North Pole. Wouldn't it be a mess if the Russians
accidentally invaded North Pole, Alaska, in their quest to best the
Danes, Norwegians and Canadians? They could cover their tracks by
claiming they just wanted Alaska back. Mr. Zhirinovsky's made the threat
before. It apparently was a recent shock to some that it was even gone
in the first place: A March 14, 2003, Pravda article was titled
"Farewell to Alaska: Russia Sold Alaska for Seven Million Dollars."
So let the battle for the North Pole begin. Merry Holiday to all, and to
all a good fight.
Ms. Johnson is a journalist and screenwriter in Southern California.
Copyright © 2004 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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