Hi Deborah,
> Trisha I was just wondering if you have any type of disability or not ?
>
That's a good question. I sustained much damage from being
physically abused. I can no longer lift my right arm becasue of damage to
the bone that has caused a osteophyte which rubs on the rotor cuff when
moved in an up fashion. My right hip is very loose in the joint and
occasionally pops partial out and hurts when I move and stairs are a bummer.
I have arthitis down my entire spine and a lump from where my back was
broken years ago. Creates pain. I had a minor stroke - and have some
diffculty expressing myself - verbally. I have reasonable amount of internal
organ damage but they still function. I am 4'10" due to having precocious
puberty. I can't see worth a darn, have worn glasses since my teens.I have
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as aa legacy from physical and sexual abuse.
I have been growing uterine tumors since I was 21, surgeries and chemo
periodically as it never actaully gets cured. Do I consider myself disabled
- No. Can I do what I could do when I was 20 - No.
> Have ever had to grow up being "different"?
>
I don't know - you can judge.
I was born prematurely and an illegitmate brat of an American
solidier in 1953 post war Germany. My mother gave me away temporarily when I
was released from the hosiptal to a woman whose child had died. When my
Grandmother came a few months later - she had been caught in a riot in East
Zone - Berlin trying to get to the West Zone where we were, we lall ived in
a refuge home with other families. I helped the other kids hustle GI's for
Marks and candy bars. After my mother married another American - they lived
in one place and I and my grandmother lived in another. I remember in
Catholic Bavaria where we lived - the nuns told me I had bad blood becasue
of my birth and I do remember one of my mother's friends - say - she thought
Love children where so suppose to be beautiful so what happened with
Patricia? In 1957 - I was removed from Grandmothers care - and brought to
this country when Papa's tour was over. I didn't speak English. I was a
sickly child as well as having deformed feet ( which got reformed) and got
everything that came down the pike - mumps, measles ( several times)
heptitus, to name a few. My first grade teacher couldn't stand me - I guess
she had lost someone in the war. My mother couldn't stand me and still can't
- I am a constant remember of her boo-boo. I have learned to speak English
without an trace of an accent - people poke fun at people with accents.
While much of my childhood lays fortunately shrouded in memory loss - I have
detailed memories of my pre-teen years and the constant sexual/rape abuse
from my step/adopted father. He was physically abusive also - beating me
sometimes with the buckle end of his belt till I was a mess, and of course I
never did anything right - so I had a constant stream of letting me know
what a waste of time I was - etc. I was killed in a car accident when I was
15 - to my everlasting regret I was returned, but I did have a chance to
feel the unconditional love of the Light - We moved a lot so I had no one
else other than my family. I and my Grandmother where close - and when we
lived by ourselves - those where the best times of my childhood. I was sent
away college for a year - one that was chosen for me in a field I had no
interest - I didn't so well . I was also raped by a friends older brother
that year. My parents threw out and sent my beloved Grandmother back to
Germany to live in an old folks home - she died 3 months later - I had no
idea how to get a job - so I ended up working in a massauge parlor -and as
a topless dancer. I stumbled upon my first office job when I trusted a total
stranger. I had a cheap apartment and an old car. I was engaged to an abuse
guy by the time I was 19 - thankfully I didn't matty Charlie. I did get
married just shy of 23 - in 1976 - to someone, who was probably much worse -
insanely jealousy I wasn't allowed out without him, and when he was gone -
he was sure I was having an affair - he beat me frequently - and the last
time I was 38 weeks pregnant - killed my baby girl and left me with more
internal damage. In one of the few merciful things my parents have done -
they came and got after I nearly accidentaly killed myself by walking
infront of dump truck. I eneded up divorced at 26 9 (2/76 thru 12/79). I
remarried at 27, Bob was physically abusive also and at 30 - I declared NO
MORE - and I divorced him ( 12/80 - 7/85) - I also supported hima and a crew
of his friends while we where married - gun toting, drug doing, non-working
folks. I was stuck paying of $17,000 of debts on a $17,000 a year sal ry -
so I took several part-time jobs. I married Doug -9/85 - Amber's father -
We had Amber (11/86) - I was very ill and she was born at 31 weeks - with
Hydaline Membrane disease, Jaundice ( Natch), a stroke, bradycardia and
something else which has been forgotten they didn't give odds on her
survival. I am sure you remember what it feels like finding out your child
has CP, and the whole shock thing. Amber father walked out 9/93. I gave him
a divorce after his next wife to be threated to take Amber from me. (9/85 -
3/95) January 1994 - I was laid off from the job I had had for 18 years. I
was renting a house from my parents - and had been for 11 years - they threw
me out - I might not pay the rent on day and they didn't want the hassle. I
got engaged temporarily to Rick so I could provide a roof for my child. I
finally after 2 years found a job. I threw Rick out when he got drunk on
night and threated to shoot us. I have to also work part-time to support us.
I am drowning finacially. And that's it in a quickie nutshell - sure I left
something out - but hey!!
On the very plus side
I managed in 1998 to buy a house and a car, in 1997 I finally got
the Batchlors degree that was 26 in the making - next year I get a Masters.
I love Amber and Amber loves me.
I always have my late Grandmothers love, Amber love and The Light's
love to keep me warm. Altho, I sincerely look forward to dying. There are
things worse than death - life as unwanted person has got to be right up
there. I am ceritifiable sane - altho the SW and shinks - don't really
understand why I am sane and alive and thrive in a life that drives most
people to insanity, drugs. alcohol or suicide. I am not ordinary nor many
people cup of tea. I am for the most part - a happy camper, smiling and
doing stuff for folks and enjoying life. I thought I met the man of dreams -
and did for the first time actually have little hopes and little dreams but
it was not to be and ditched me last year. Since I was a child I would have
gladly died in someone's place - you know all these wonderful worthwhile
people who die - but ya know - I don't know how to accomplish that. The most
wonderful thing about all this is - altho I have a life sentence to this
life - it doesn't last forever. I am there for other folks who have walked
the abuse/rape path. I did my part in support of parents of kids with CP.
>I did, but my disabilities were my eyesight and being very tiny and
not growing, I guess these days they
>call it failure to thrive, not only that my mother decided to
become a JW,
>I'll explain initials in private since I don't want to offend
anyone.
I know what it is Jehovah's Witness and no one Religious
offillation should offend anyone.
>Mychildhood was full of abuse and pain, but I never have complained
to anyone
>and I never make comments about anyone being different.
I accept everyone as they are and do not judge as different but
as individuals. I have put out many a post saying we need to accept people
for who they are and not shove them in little boxes. Been there - Illegimate
brat, Filthy German, Evil Witch, Whore, - small wonder I begin to live up to
the labels.
>Trisha maybe you should walk a mile in someone else's shoes before
you began
>to knock them down.
Maybe someone would to try mine on - they are a girls size 4
1/2.
I had a bad day - I ranted - don't we all do that. I didn't
like being lumped in to a category - Abled body consipracy - labels create
chasms, and misunderstanding and all that endless cycle. We need to quit
putting labels on folks unlike ourselves to bolster up our sagging self-
image and self-esteem and reach out and make them part of us, instead we
wholesale disenfranchise folks. Disenfranchised folks strike back, reach
out with love - not another label that seperates. Today we do a lot to fix
society's probelm - the major stumbling block is people - you don't win them
over by calling them names. Stupidity abounds but we can get past if we
don't secome to the need to join in it. I didn't like being in the Abled
bodied conspiracy - when I worked hard to educate folks on CP - etc. Nothing
like slamming the good guys with bad.
Brightest Blessings
Trisha
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