For your reading pleasure.

Cheers,
        Madiba.
---------------

> IVORY COAST: Les Liaisons Dangereuses
>
>
> The military coup that toppled the government of Henri Konan Bedie of
> Ivory
> Coast on Christmas Eve did not come as a big surprise to many African
> leaders. While the rest of the world celebrated Christmas, some concerned
> African leaders linked up via satellite for an emergency teleconference to
>
> deliberate on the coup, its implications and the next best move possible.
> The
> participants were Addoul Diouf of Senegal, Olusegun Obasanjo of Nigeria,
> Jerry Rawlings of Ghana, Arap Moi of Kenya, Thabo Mbeki of South Africa,
> Gnassingbe Eyadema of Togo, Moamer al-Khaddhafi of Libya and Omar Bongo of
>
> Gabon. Here is an extract from their teleconference.
>
> Diouf: Welcome gentlemen to this emergency conference. I am grateful that
> you
> all sacrificed your Christmas lunch to help in this search for a solution
> to
> Cote d'Ivoire's problem.
>
> Moi: What Cote d'Ivoire? I thought we are here to solve the crises in
> Ivory
> Coast?
>
> Bongo: Moi, they are all the same. The English call it Ivory Coast; the
> French call it Cote d'Ivoire.
>
> Moi: Oh, excuse me! Those West Africans, their problems are not just
> African
> and British, they also have problem de la French. That is why I said they
> should learn Kiswahili and at least have one thing that unites them.
>
> Eyadema: What about you guys in East Africa, Uganda, Tanzania and Kenya,
> who
> share two languages, English and Kiswahili, how far have you fared?
>
> Moi: That is what is always wrong with you West Africans. Instead of
> facing
> your problems, you always poke your big noses into other people's problem.
>
> There is problem in West Africa and we are here to help you guys. Now what
> do
> we get- lectures in Negritude?
>
> Diouf: My brothers let us not drift away. How do we respond to the
> situation
> in Abidjan? Any suggestions?
>
> Obasanjo: First of all, I want to thank you all for making out time to be
> here. I personally left a huge IYAN meal with ewedu soup that my beautiful
>
> wife made to join you all. Have I said that my wife is beautiful? I hope
> we
> hurry up this meeting so that my meal won't get cold. As a one time
> eminent
> personality of Africa, I believe I understand the Ivorian situation very
> well. That man, that Bedie is what my friend, Nzeogwu (May God Bless his
> soul) used to call an efuluefu. When last I met Bedie in Togo, I warned
> him
> to be careful, but he never listened. Children of nowadays! As one time
> General, I tried to counsel him on how to treat his military especially
> when
> they come back from one of those peacekeeping duties abroad. But the man
> took
> me for a fool. General Robert Guei did the same thing but the stupid man
> Bedie did not listen. Now he has got what he deserved. I am not sorry for
> him, lai lai. Generals do not play. Generals do not play at all, at all. I
> do
> not know when African civilians will get that in their coconut heads. Now
> what happened? Ivory Coast, at an old age received its first baptism of
> coup.
> I welcome Ivory Coast to our club of coup infested counties. I welcome
> her.
> They will be learning how to use the left hand at an old age. Big brother,
>
> Nigeria will be there to help them.
>
> Eyadema: I am a General too. And I do have something to say.
>
> Diouf: What General Eyadema?
>
> Eyadema: Nothing!
>
> Rawlings: Can a Flight-Lt say anything in the conference?
>
> Diouf: Of course, Rawlings. Lets not forget that we are here not because
> of
> our military past but because our people freely elected us.
>
> Rawlings: The generals can brag as much as they want but many junior
> officers
> like us know more about coups than some pot belly good for nothing
> Generals.
> And let me tell you guys, I would have made myself a Field Marshal if I
> had
> wanted.
>
> Khaddhafi: Tell them Jerry. Tell them.
>
> Eyadema: My friend, whom are you calling 'pot belly good for nothing'?
> Who?
> Don't let me declare a war on Ghana? Don't provoke me? In fact, what saved
>
> you is that I cannot reach you from here. I would have shown you why I am
> a
> General.
>
> Diouf: Friends, we are here to find solutions to Ivorian problem not to
> create new crises. Can we hear what Khaddhafi had to contribute?
>
> Khaddhafi: Thank you Diouf. The little I have heard from my African
> brothers
> make me wonder in what century shall we attain the African Unity I once
> proposed.
>
> Moi: I never knew this man was serious about this African Unity of a
> thing.
> Are Libyans really Africans? I tend to see them as more Arabic than
> African.
> I have a bunch of the so-called Arab Africans in Mombassa. They are a
> source
> of headache to me.
>
> Diouf: Hold it Moi. Your solitude is leaking.
>
> Khaddhafi: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted... by some ugly
>
> toad.  I find it rather too late to blame Bedie for what happened to his
> administration. And if any one should do that, it is better they wait
> until
> they see him. Wasting out time condemning Bedie is like telling those who
> came to the mosque that people do not come to mosques as frequently as
> they
> ought to.
>
> Diouf: Nicely put Khaddhafi. Now solutions. President Mbeki, do you have
> any
> suggestions for us?
>
> Mbeki: Without being rude to anyone, I must confess that running a Banana
> Republic is not the same as running the real thing. So in that regard I
> have
> no experience. But I must say that it seems to me that the issue with most
> of
> you guys is that you all got your Independence on a platter of gold and as
>
> such have no idea how to value your freedom. I am tired to hearing about
> coups in one West African country after another. I thought we all agreed
> to
> leave that to the Pakistanis? We are at the last days of the 20th century
> and
> you guys are not yet grown? The French and the British must have pampered
> you
> all too much.  Too much breast feeding, that is what it is.
>
> Diouf: Does anyone have any solution or any idea of how best we should
> react?
>
> Eyadema: I take offense to Mbeki's remarks. Whose country was he calling a
>
> Banana Republic? And who was breast-fed? The only breast I ever knew in
> this
> life was my Mom's. I demand an apology.
>
> Mbeki: I was not referring to your country Togo. But now that you have
> said
> it, what about all your mistresses? You have not been breast-fed by any of
>
> them?
>
> Eyadema: What? This is an insult. This is an abomination! Where is my
> gendarmerie? In fact, I shall recall my ambassador to South Africa. How
> could
> you insult a General like me? I believe your father did not bear you well.
> I
> strongly believe so. I thought you learnt anything from Mandela, but it
> seems
> you did not. Bad sons. Common sense, you do not have. Common respect for
> your
> elders, your mother did not teach you. Shame on you.
>
> Diouf: Gentlemen, we are not making any progress with all these personal
> attacks. The issue on the ground is still there awaiting us. The question
> is
> should we work with General Guei or should we ostracize him? And what
> message
> will our action give to other potential coup plotters lurking around other
>
> countries in Africa?
>
> Bongo: Diouf my brother, tell us the truth. Are you scared of coups? Then,
> do
> not do anything stupid. The first rule is not to be xenophobic. Learn from
>
> the way I treat the Nigerians in my country. When they give me headache, I
> do
> not go about emphasizing Gabon for Gabonese, I simply deport them and let
> them pay their way back.
>
> Obasanjo: I heard you, Bongo. I heard you well well. But I will not answer
>
> you yet. I am still enjoying my Iyan. I shall response appropriately
> afterwards.
>
> Moi: Being that I am the president of the most stable English speaking
> country in Africa, I believe my wisdom ought to be indispensable to this
> gathering.
>
> Diouf: And what is that wisdom, Moi.
>
> Moi: I don't know.
>
> Diouf: Gentlemen, shall we call for a swift return to constitutional order
> or
> shall we refuse to recognize the new government?
>
> Khaddhafi: That is of no use. Am I not here today talking to you guys? Do
> the
> Americans recognize me?
>
> Diouf: Khaddhafi, your point well taken. It is ironic that Bedie was
> accused
> of being pompous, inflexible and 'hermetically closed to dialogue'. I
> wonder
> if the same is not true for most of us here today. Having said that, I
> think
> a country that gave Africa Felix Houphouet-Boigny, his basilica of
> Yamassoukrou, is worth saying. Or what do you all think? After all, Ivory
> Coast is still the world's largest exporter of cocoa beans. It is not only
>
> the security of West Africa that is at stake; the daily appearance of a
> whole
> lot of chocolate candy bars in stores around the globe is being
> jeopardized.
>
> Bongo: I remember Houphouet-Boigny, my friend very well. He beat me to the
>
> truth when he said to those inquisitive idiots called journalists that,
> "Yes,
> I have assets abroad. But they are not assets belonging to Cote d'Ivoire.
> What sensible man does not keep his assets in Switzerland, the whole
> world's
> bank? I would be crazy to sacrifice my children's future in this crazy
> country without thinking of their future". I still do not know why that
> truth
> stunned the world.
>
> Eyadema: I seriously doubt if Houphouet-Boingny's fortune was up to $ 6
> billion as reported by a French newspaper. That man was not smarter than I
>
> was.
>
> Moi: And me neither.
>
> Diouf: Was it not Voltaire, who wrote that, "There are two things for
> which
> animals are to be envied: They know nothing of future evils, or of what
> people say about them." Gentlemen, on that note, I think we shall call it
> a
> day. I do not see us achieving anything from this conference. Obviously
> some
> of us have our minds buried in some wines and dines. In which case I say,
> Merry Christmas to you all. Au revoir.
>
> Obasanjo: No Mr. Diouf. We cannot leave yet. I have two suggestions....
>
>
> And NEPA took the light.

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