Betty and Denise,

        The textbooks on adjustment to disabling conditions say that the impact
of a specific disability depends on its effect on what the individual with
the disabilty values most. A small facial scar would not effect me, I
already have some; but to a fashion model, it could be disastrous. Denise's
gram, I take it, valued physical health and independence very much. Cancer
did irreparable damage to these in her life and the result was detailed by
Denise.I wrote a play with my best friend while he was dying of cancer and
we joked about death as most "macho men" would do. I watched "Tuesday with
Morrie" the other night and some of those scenes brought back some bad
images of that phase of my life.

C'est le guerre!

Bobby



>In a message dated 12/10/1999 10:22:50 AM Eastern Standard Time,
>[log in to unmask] writes:
>
><< My grandmother was more angry and afraid
> of not being able to do what she wanted by herself, than she was of dieing
> from cancer.  I felt very bad for her because her last year of life was so
> miserable.  More than the chemo and her impending death, her loss of control
> and independance is what made her so miserable.  I think part of why I am
> more comfortable with my own limitations today is because I saw how
> devastating not letting go and accepting was to gram.  - Denise.
>  >>
>I'm not sure where this is going.  I know this is way off CP now, and anytime
>I talk about my own disability it is that way since I don't have CP. But what
>you said reminded me of a cousin who died of cancer when I was 20.  She was
>in her 60s and kind of a mentor for a few years -- she was such a neat
>person.  One day I called her on the phone to chat.  When I asked her how she
>was, she blurted out that nobody would let her talk about dying.  We all knew
>that she was mortally ill at that point, but that subject is so hard for
>people to discuss.  I felt terrible for her because she sounded so isolated
>with her thoughts, so I said "Virginia, I'll let you talk about dying."
>
>I don't remember what we did talk about after that.  I felt so bad for her
>though.  She knew she was on her way out and couldn't share anything with
>anyone about it.  I was only 19, so I can only hope I responded intelligently
>to whatever she said.
>
>Denise, I think I'm going in a different direction from what you were saying.
> I remember that my cousin's last year was very hard because of some of the
>same things that your grandmother went through, but I also have a vivid
>memory of that one conversation when she complained of wanting to talk about
>end of life issues and not being able to find anyone who could listen
>comfortably.  That had such a profound impact.  I think it was a positive
>learning experience for the future though.
>
>Betty