Denise,

        I love the concept of "getting a really big straw". Being a former
macho
man, I grew up on that concept and literally hate it. For me, I was trying
to impress people who didn't really give a damn. Now, my body and mind are
paying
"interest" on stuff I did for people who really were not worth it. I have
realized that "proving myself" was almost the same as being on the "pity
pot"; both are a form of not accepting myself and my limitations. I still
live with a lot of "demons" in my head. The down side of this is that I
can't do(or, more accurately) won't do anything and am miserable some of
the time. Altering your life style as much as I have has painted me into a
corner of somewhat self-imposed helplessness. So, either way, pushing it or
giving in, are not really desirable alternatives. Does any one know of a
happy medium?

Bobby

P.S. If your psychic is one Prozac, is he/she a happy medium! LOL



>When I read the last few posts, it was as if someone gave me a left jab right
>in the solar plexus.  You guys have hit me hard, ESPECIALLY Kyle with his
>combination punch.
>
>Kyle said, "It's been very difficult for me to accept the idea that I "can't"
>do things that were once (not long ago) easy, so I guess I'll just suck it up
>until I can't stand the pain anymore. ....I think what gets me more than
>anything is the rapidity with which my balance, flexibility, pain-level got
>bad.  If it had been a relatively gradual process I think I could have coped
>better emotionally.  I get to thinking, "Sh*t, if it's this bad now, what's
>it going to be like in five years?"
>
>Kyle?  Could you do me a favor dear?  Please get out of my brain!  Stop
>taking psychic dictation from my soul and putting in print for everyone to
>read. :D
>
>Whoever coined the phrase, "growing old gracefully" obviously didn't have
>cerebral palsy.  If I hadn't lived the first 30 years of so as if I didn't
>have cp, perhaps these last few years would not be quite so traumatic.  I'm
>stubborn and independent.  Always have been, always will be!  (At least
>that's what I keep telling myself.)  However, there is a dark doubt which
>creeps in and haunts me.  "What's it going to be like in five, ten, twenty
>years?"  The images which come to mind scare the bejesus out of me, so I push
>them away by physically PUSHING myself past the limit.  I'm trying to prove
>something to myself, and I ALWAYS end up suffering (physically).
>
>Kyle also said, "I was on the water only two hours or so, but when I got home
>I could barely move and couldn't stand up straight at all. ... I was making
>my body do things it really shouldn't have been doing. ...  But--doggone
>it!--it was worth it! "
>
>Oh yeah!  I know this line well.  When hubby comes home and I can hardly move
>at all, my explanation always starts with, " I was only....."  Usually I
>follow up with, "landscaping the yard, power washing the house, scrubbing the
>tiles in the shower for two hours, standing on a ladder trying to hang
>curtains..."
>
>All the things a (yeech) "normal" person of my age can do with relative ease.
> I conveniently "forget" (deny) to take into account I'm trying to make my
>body do things it really shouldn't be doing in the first place.  - And here
>is the REALLY scarry part....  Just like Kyle, I as I shift around on the ice
>pack and swallow another handful of pharmaceuticals to ease the pain I smile
>to myself and think, "Yep!  Dog Gone it!  It was worth it! "
>
>By now you are probably wondering where "A Really Big Straw" comes into play.
> Well, the wait is over.  Kyle had said, "I guess I'll just suck it up until
>I can't stand the pain anymore."  He went on to say, "The other thing that
>sucks is that if I take enough pain-killers/antispasmodics to let me
>hunt/hike/fish without undue pain, then I'm not really being safe."
>
>Ah yes, "sucking it up."  But you see here is the problem, with the passing
>of each year, I find I need a much bigger straw.  I too "suck up the pain"
>ignore my body's wailing pleas to stop, ... Stop, ....STOP!  Under the docs
>suggestion, I've gone the last two weeks without the pain killers.  Of course
>I have been taking the maximum dose of aspirin available.  I also noticed I
>still work myself like a beast of burden, except now, I'm suffering all the
>way through and after (instead of just after).  I too have been doing things
>under the influence of pain-killers, only to find out later I did get hurt,
>just didn't feel it at the time.  You know?  Smashed myself with the shovel
>in the garden, or cut myself with a knife only to find out it was a really
>deep and dangerous cut that just didn't hurt so bad.  I even broke my toe,
>but didn't think it was bad since it only hurt a little bit.
>
>So?  What was the point of my post?  Your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe
>like Trisha's friend, I needed to vent.  I hate to feel my mortality and the
>limits of my abilities. [One of the down sides to being an ego maniac with a
>God complex :D]  When reality sneaks in and hits, it hits hard.  - Anyway,
>thanks for letting me vent.  And Kyle?  Don't worry about sneaking in and
>taking a peak at my soul.  In fact, I find much comfort in knowing I'm not
>the only dope out there who doesn't listen to their body and of course common
>sense :D   - Denise.