In a message dated 02/23/2000 1:32:41 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:

<< I think others have given you good advice about having your Mom seek
 counseling. Like all good advice though you can lead the horse to the trough
 but you can't make him drink. Have you considered getting counseling for
 yourself in this situation.

I have indeed Joanne.  When I retired, I was in a state of shock for a few
months.  I'm a workaholic and not being able to work took me apart for a
while.  I found a terrific psychiatrist to talk with, and we kept the door
open if I ever needed to see him again.  If I have difficulty with this on an
ongoing basis, I'm going to make an appointment with him.  I guess for now I
decided to come to you all with this.

After reading Trisha and Kyles exchange on
 parenting styles and parent/child relationships it becomes clear that the
 parent child relationship is quite complicated. It understandable that you
 are angry at your Mom for waiting so long to get medical help. It must be
 very difficult to switch roles from being the daughter to taking on parenting
 your parent.

To tell you the truth, I never really pushed her since she is a Christian
Scientist.  Plus, I learned to hate unsolicited medical advice through my own
disability experiences.  She had symptoms of colon cancer for about two
months before she said anything to me.  I suspected the worst at that point,
but I didn't say so.  But after that, everyday she would say the same thing,
"I've got to find the right doctor.  If I don't, this could be disastrous."
I heard that everyday but she wasn't making a move to find any doctor.  After
a while of this she just got on my last nerve (cheap peripheral neuropathy
joke), so this is what I said, "Mom, if you choose Christian Science to use
for this, I will back you up 100%.  If you choose medical intervention, I
will back you up 100%.  But if you do choose the latter, sooner would be
better than later."  What I really wanted to say was, "Mom, I'm sick of
hearing you whine while doing nothing.  You're driving me crazy and probably
killing yourself.  If you're going to get help, fine.  If you're not, then
quit driving me crazy!"  I wanted to drag her to the doctor, but I also
wanted to respect her medical privacy.  She wouldn't tell me what to do
though, and it made me nuts!

 This may be especially true since you have your own medical issues that could
 use some mothering empathy.

Well, I've gotten that from Trisha, and now many times from this list.  I'm
grateful for my association with all of you.  Believe me Joanne, each of you
has a special place in my heart.  When I think of the people who don't have
computer access and are alone with their problems, I have to say that I am
truly lucky.  I have been on Our-Kids, and now C-PALSY, and I couldn't ask
for a better deal than those two lists.  If I'd known you guys were out here,
I would have become disabled a long time ago (ha!)

I'm getting the impression (and I hope I'm wrong) that your mothers condition
is terminal. She is angary at you for forcing the issue (after all she wasn't
terminal until you made her face the facts she was ignoring...denial has a
warped sense of logic).  All sorts of relationship issues involved here.
Dying always does.  If she is terminal you may want to contact the hospice
organization near you for guidance. These are
 issues they deal with all the time.  You can't change your Mom but you can
 change how you deal with this yourself.  In the mean time wish you courage,
 stamina and emotional and physical strength in dealing with all of this.
  >>

I had not thought of contacting hospice.  What a great idea!  There have been
so many things in my mind as of late it just didn't occur to me.  I don't
know if now is the time to worry about this.  It wouldn't be a bad idea to
talk with them though.

I sometimes think that my Mom resents that I became disabled.  I'm the only
one left in the family except my nephew, and instead of taking care of her,
she has been taking care of me for the past couple of years.  I just wonder
if there isn't a little resentment there.  She would never tell me, but she's
human so it isn't out of the realm of possibility.

Wow!  I really have to thank you all for taking me in, even though I don't
have CP except through honorary gratuity (thanks Dr. Ken).  You are all good
medicine.

Thanks more than I can say,
Betty