> First of all, I want to thank Steve Margolis for his insight. I
> had never thought of myself as so "coldly clinical". I guess
> sometimes I come across to others as someone who sees things
> from a more academic or scientific perspective.

>         But I am human, also. I have had problems with anger
> all my life. However, I keep it in most times, because I got
> the message early in my childhood that I had to be a nice guy.
> I seemed to think that no one would accept a CP with a nasty
> personality. I, therefore, stuffed a lot of anger and I do not
> cry except in "Lassie"-type movies. I have paid dearly for
> this. I have dranked alcoholically, I have had heart trouble
> and all manner of other problems, all trying to be a "nice
> guy". Is this a part of my CP? The answer for me is no! It was
> part of how I was taught to cope with society, IMHO. I am
> emotional, but I try to hide it, except in sad or happy movies
> or TV shows. My kids used to make fun of me for crying at
> movies and such.

>         The only time I experienced out of control emotions was
> after heart surgery when I was full of all manner of drugs and
> the ol' body had undergone quite a trauma. I remembered  crying
> a lot and contemplating death a lot.I have never considered
> myself "more" emotional than anyone else. Even though I love to
> laugh and joke, I still have a lot of anger inside me and it
> somes out in wierd ways. IMHO, we use anger often to gain some
> kind of control over a situation. At this late stage in life, I
> have found anger to be very destructive and unproductive. I am
> attempting to be less hostile and angry.

>         I don't know if I have made a bit of sense with my
> ramblings, but I feel better!! And, thanks Steve for provoking
> this musing.
>
> Bobby
>
>
This rings so many bells.

Being told "Remember, you will be an ambassador for people with
CP all your life" when I was 9yo by my headmaster.

My kids thinking I'm soft as mush for gushing at films with a
happy ending.

Inability to cry at times of real grief. So many of my friends
died when I was young at boarding school - but I still remember
them.

Losing temper, particularly when someone is patronising or
disrespectful to my wife (she doesn't get angry - she just gets
upset).

Not understanding why my anger leads to other people's
resentment, since my anger subsides almost instantly, their
resentment doesn't. Classic example last month, my job involves
24hr system support for a computer system used by 800 users at my
company. I get phoned at home if there is a critical problem (I
am 2nd level support - if I can't fix it we get shut down by the
regulators within 3 days - 900 people out of work). Last month I
had 3 calls between 2.30am and 4.30am. It was a new shift leader
who was not used to my voice, the first 2 problems had been
trivial, the last a corker. Because the whole system was down I
could not just dial in and fix it, but had to relay instructions
to him on the system console, and get him to read back responses.
Now, I knew I could fix this problem in about ten minutes if I
had been sitting at the console, but the things I had been
telling him to do and the responses he was relaying to me just
did not add up. Eventually at about 6am (it wasn't continuous
talking, it was try this and then call me back if it hasn't come
back up in 15 mins) I accused him of either being a moron or a
not very convincing liar and slammed the phone down. Sitting down
smoking my pipe, musing over all the things I had told him to try
and the results he passed back, I realised that it could all be
true if he was sitting at the console of a different system, one
that was already working!! A quick phone call back and one of his
operators had the rogue system back up 15 mins later. My anger
lasted only 30 seconds, but his resentment lasted much longer,
even after profuse apologies both written and verbal. After all
the mistake was mine for not ensuring he was sitting at the
correct console to begin with.

Over indulgence in alcohol, although I think this is linked to
the ambassodorial syndrome, never wanting to say 'no' to anyone
in a social context, "Oh go on, one more for the road". However I
try to protect myself from the worst effects of this by only ever
drinking beer (no spirits), and never drinking at home.

Equal ramblings I think Bobby!!

Cheers

--
Deri James