Definitely read this.
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CHATTERBOX
Letter to Juan Miguel González
William Saletan
Posted Thursday, April 6, 2000, at 1:36 p.m. PT
Dear Juan Miguel,
Welcome to the United States of America. More precisely,
welcome to Kenwood Park, our little suburb of Washington,
D.C., where I understand you're staying at the house of a
Cuban diplomat. My wife and I moved into the neighborhood
just a couple of months ago, so we know exactly what you're
going through, except for the part about getting acquainted
with democracy and civil liberties. I saw in the paper that
you were met at the airport by protesters shouting about the
freedom you'll find here. I'm sure many people will try to
explain to you what America is all about. For now, let me
just explain about Kenwood Park.
First of all, we don't have communism here. What we have
instead is the Kenwood Park Citizens Association
[http://www.kenwoodpark.org/]. My wife and I went to our
first KPCA meeting, a welcome party for new residents, two
weeks ago. Everyone was very nice. KPCA is all about doing
things together. I suppose you could say it's a little bit
like Cuba. The president of KPCA told us about the book club
and the gardening club and other activities we can do with
our neighbors. But as you know, when community leaders talk
about doing things together, it always has something to do
with the police. KPCA's principal mission, it turns out, is
to fund the neighborhood security patrol. You probably won't
have much need for this, since you seem well protected by the
security escort that has blocked off the street outside your
house. But all the same, we'd appreciate it if you'd chip in
to support the patrol. As Castro might say, it's all part of
being a good neighbor. Also, now that you are breathing the
fresh air of freedom and have your own yard, please
familiarize yourself with Montgomery County's long list of
rules about what you can do with it. Keep it properly mowed,
and collect the grass clippings in paper bags only.
Perhaps I have overstated the case a bit. Kenwood Park is not
exactly like Cuba. People here are communal about the
security patrol and the book club and the gardening club, but
they are not communal about what is really important:
property. The point of living in a nice American suburb,
after all, is to have your own stuff. We recently met a young
couple who live up the street and were invited into their
house to participate in our national pastime, which we call
envy. I was impressed with their foyer and their living room
and their many bedrooms, but what has occupied my fantasies
ever since is the husband's home gym. In Cuba, I gather,
exercise is something people do together. (I have always
regarded morning calisthenics as communism's finest
contribution to human progress.) In Kenwood Park, however,
the definitive sign of achievement is to possess your own
weightlifting equipment. Whether you use it when others
aren't looking is optional.
Like everyone else who has recently moved into the
neighborhood, you will soon get a letter asking whether you
might be willing to sell your house. This is because everyone
is trying to buy a house in Washington right now, and nobody
is selling them, so real estate agents are asking total
strangers who had no intention of moving how much it will
take to change their minds. The result is that housing prices
have gone haywire. We like to call this perfect system
capitalism. In Cuba, people talk about someday owning a nice
house. In Kenwood Park, people who own nice houses talk about
owning nicer houses, or at least about turning their houses
into nicer houses by hiring contractors. Because our
capitalist economy works so perfectly, good contractors have
all the work they can handle, and the people in Kenwood Park
are hitting each other up for advice on how to find somebody
good to remodel their kitchens. My wife has excellent advice
on this subject. Perhaps we will be able to trade it for
symphony tickets.
One more thing. You will see a lot of parents with strollers
and toddlers on the street in the evenings and on weekends.
The neighborhood seems to be going through a transition. Old
people are moving out, and young people with kids are moving
in. Some of the young people like to talk on cell phones
while their toddlers are walking in the middle of the street.
I realize that this is nature's way of weeding out the
inattentive, but please try not to hit the toddlers while
driving. It's not neighborly, and people get very upset about
losing their kids. What happens to your kids is another matter.Sincerely,
Will Saletan
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Gore Sucks Up to Widows and Seniors
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[]
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