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Hi Listmates,
I posted my original message on August 23, but wanted to try out some of the
suggestions before reporting back to the list. To jog your memory, my
original post about dealing with my difficult family (who think that coeliac
is not a "real" disease) was prompted by my birthday party where almost all
of the food was not GF.  I wrote: <SNIP> "The rules are: 1) you can go
anyplace for family get togethers so long as its my parents' home, 2)
non-attendance is punishable by death, and 3) you can eat anything so long
as its what's on offer. I have long given up taking GF stuff to our family
do's - even taking GF bread provokes a major sulk and much rolling of eyes!"

<SNIP>

I'm aware that people may not want to read a looooooong post about this;
I've tried to keep it brief. If you didn't read the original post a lot of
this might not make sense - you might like to go to the "SUGGESTIONS" bit.

REPLIES:
Over 100 replies. A few (< 5) said "You deserved it - stick up for yourself
in future" (You were all really constructive in your criticism. Thanks).

About 50 said "That's sad!" or "Here's what I'd do.... Good luck!". The
remainder (about 40- 50) told me their stories - there are people on the
list whose families are just as difficult as mine (or more so!) and some are
no longer on speaking terms. It seems that lack of acceptance by family
members is a big issue for a lot of fellow coeliacs.

COMMON QUERIES:
These things I got asked about a lot, so just to clarify:

* My sister and I are not twins (I'm 3 yrs & 9 days older). One party means
the family doesn't have to get together twice in 9 days.

* No other family members have been diagnosed as coeliac (none will go for
testing).

* Some of you said "You shouldn't expect people to make GF food - take your
own", sorry, my post may not have made it very clear that I had taken my own
food in the past and this led to arguments (see "The rules", above). My
family had been a little more accommodating in the GF food department so I
was taken unawares when they did a total about-face with the catering
arrangements in August. Quite a few people said that we were a Dysfunctional
Family. Yup!!! However, I've never met anyone who says they're from a
"normal" family!!

SUGGESTIONS
for dealing with "difficult" families based on the replies to my post and a
talk I had with a qualified councellor/dietician:

1.  Find out what's on the menu BEFORE you go.  If GF food is available -
fine, if not, your choice is (2),(3),(4) or (5). (Sorry, we scientists like
multiple choice lists!)

2.  Eat before you go

3.  Go, but don't eat (I call this the "drooling dog under the table" option)

4.  Go, but take your own food

5.  Decline the invitation (an option punishable by death in some families!!)

6.  Recognise that in a "difficult" family the issue is about CONTROL. If GF
food wasn't the point of conflict it would be something else (like "How come
you're still single?", "Did you know you're getting fat?", "That hair colour
is awful on you". Sound familiar? ;=}). Don't permit the power in any
situation to rest solely with other people. You can only make choices where
you are given a number of possible options, not when you are locked into one
selection ("take it or leave it").

7.  Given point (6), don't put yourself in a position where you will have no
control over the menu.  Phone before you go.  Ask "What are we eating?" If
it's not suitable make suggestions or take your own food.

CONCLUSIONS (Sorry, I'm trying to keep this short!):
I put steps (4) & (7) into effect at the last couple of family do's. Boy,
you can't imagine the fireworks! However, I stuck to my guns and told my
family (in a reasonable, calm & pleasant way) that I do not eat gluten. That
if they didn't wish to make GF food available, that's fine, I would bring my
own food & if they wanted me to attend family events they would have to
understand this. I did not buy into the arguments about my "weird" diet or
"imaginary illness". I just kept coming back to the fact that I do not eat
gluten, thank you very much. I must admit that I was surprised how quickly
they gave in after I made it clear that I was not backing down. I still get
a few snide comments, but I've won the battle. The only thing is, now that
they're off my back, the new "issue" is my kid sisters's nose ring and green
hair. ;-} Thanks for the support (and constructive criticism!).

Regards, Dawn