Imagine trying to do this as a preservation job...
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NOAH IN MODERN TIMES
And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain
until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are
destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of
living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a
flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said
Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And
six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And
there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting
bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged
Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.
First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and
your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the
plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system.
My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark
in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince
U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
Negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on
the boat and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the
suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They
didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a Globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to
hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about
owing some kind of use tax.
I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
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