Fellow Parents,
I, too have suffered premature aging, post-traumatic stress, and
probably many other disorders at the hand of either inconsiderate,
uncaring or just plain not-thinking friends, educators and others.  Some
of our family's highlights:
1. The teller at the bank drive-through, who, no matter how many times I
ask her not to, and even sending a note with my transaction, insists
upon sending treats out to my children through the drive through. So I
changed to the far lane with the tube, instead of the drawer, and she
sends the stuff through the tube!  Of course, I don't take the treats,
but it just starts a whole big problem with the boys.  I have so far
been polite but direct, but is it time to start being rude?  I'm
thinking of changing banks, anyway.
2. One of my VERY dearest and best friends from our old hometown...our
first borns have been buddies since we met in the grocery aisle when
they were 8 months old.  She lived through all the questions and worries
when we were trying to discover the cause of Seth's violent illnesses on
several occasions.  That's when his nut allergy was diagnosed.  So on a
visit shortly after we moved away, she had brought food for her kids,
and asked to make a PB&J sandwich.  She had the PB, but asked for the
J.  I gave her two knives, jam, and reminded her to dedicate each knife
for each ingredient.  She, of course remembered; we had had this
discussion so many times at my house.  Well, the next time my husband
went to put some jam on toast for Seth, he found a big glob of peanut
butter in the jam jar. Thank G-d he noticed!!  And if that friend ever
knew how close she came to putting my child in danger, she would be
mortified.  But no one thinks about these things constantly the way you
do if you've seen it first hand.  And it's automatic for you because
it's your child.
3. The preschool, which my son no longer attends, that tried to *make*
him do an activity with peanut butter, even after he refused and
reminded them that it would make him "go-to-the-hospital-sick".  Rest
assured I had spoken to each teacher, wrote in red ink on all health and
registration forms about this allergy, and offered to provide
alternatives to any activity or food that might contain nuts.  When I
asked the teacher about it, she got defensive and began lecturing me
about how their curriculum required them to do cooking and I had no
right to demand they not do so. (Cooking: spreading peanut butter
cookies with marshmallow fluff, as it turns out) OY VEY.  He was OUTTA
THERE!
4. The recent house guest, who sat next to my younger son, the milk
allergic guy, with two kinds of cheese dripping and dropping out of her
sandwich.  She is the elderly mother of a dear friend; the whole family
was visiting.  We had explained the care with which we eat dairy at our
house...she just didn't get it.  Before I could say anything, my friend,
bless her heart, was frantically cleaning up after her lovely,
warmhearted, but clueless Mom!
Friends, Aaron, (Mr. milk allergy), has not even started preschool yet,
and I already can imagine this list growing before my eyes.  Yes, it is
our ongoing challenge...no one else is going to know or care to know how
much work it takes to keep your child safe.  As a former educator, I
echo the others who have said do not leave it up to others.  Teachers,
Lunch Ladies, Administrators...unless they are very special are not
going to have the ability to monitor one child's diet.

I *once* worked in a child care center where we did have severely
allergic children, and we took it very seriously, and made sure the
staff were properly trained.  We had two great cooks, both of whom would
make up wonderful and creative recipes for our allergic children...they
were often the envy of the others!  In my own struggle with my boys,
recalling that experience has been an inspiration for me.

Sometimes others can make you feel like a nut for being so careful and
picky.  But what other way to be, with the health of your children at
stake?  It's great to have other parents with which to share these
experiences...support doesn't come from too many corners, so this little
no-milk corner is especially helpful.

Good luck, all!
Dale Robin Lockman, Ima (Mom) to Seth,5,  and Aaron, almost 3.
West Kennebunk, Maine