Rhonda,

I certainly cannot claim to know exactly what you are feeling, but as best
I can, I can ponder on the things you've  mentioned, put myself in
them,  and stack them up as you too have mentioned in your note. You know
it is  sometimes weird. We can go through many things and sometimes we are
not bothered as much, but then there are times in which we go through
various things and we feel like a lone person stranded on an island. We
start to doubt the very situation we are in, did we make a mistake in
choices leading up to where we are? What could we have done different to
prevent it? We begin to flood are minds with "what ifs" and "yeah if we'd
have only done this". and etc.  We then  come back to thinking on our
situation and it seems even worse and before we know it, things seem out of
control. If that sounds familiar it is only because I've done it and likely
everyone on the list has done so as well sooner or later, and if they
haven't, they likely will at one point or other in life. Hopefully not, but
likely so. If you look at my description above, you see something
missing?  We are to think on those things of good report, holy, righteous,
good things. Sometimes we find it hard to get our mind set in that mode I
know. We are to focus on God, his Word, his faithfulness, and sitting on
that threshold of focusing on that, while the things of which we are
worried about continue on, we are pressed to almost feel guilty for letting
it go, as though we are owner of those responsibilities as well as their
correction. And we are meant to be good stewards, but there are times in
which we have done, are doing, and plan to do as much as we can to rectify
it, and that does not seem enough. Although sitting on the threshold
of  letting those concerns we have of finances, credit, rent, car payment,
hospital costs, not to mention Ben's health which is most important of all,
when we stand with them to our back, and walk through the door towards
focusing on God, his faithfulness and all he promised, we begin to realize
that we haven't forsaken those concerns at all, but relinquished ownership
of them rightfully to God, and are again a steward, a caretaker of those
things per direction of God. He tells us that all things work for the good
of those who love him. Of course we know that doesn't mean all good things
will happen to us, it means that all things, good or bad, that occur in
this world, will eventually be turned for the good of those who love him.
It can be difficult to see that transition coming if we focus so much on
the problems, but if we stand in the hope of his promise to turn it all for
good, then we begin to change our focus and look for good things, slight as
they may seem at the time, but slivers of good things in the midst of a
troubled time, and we will then see  that sliver grow and notice we are
overcoming the situation. I guess the important thing is to stop the mind
from ravaging your thoughts and negating what God's word has to say,
despite what conditions and forecasts are predicted in the mind. Of course
that doesn't mean to be foolish and purposefully do things to fuel the
fire, which I know you know, but I'd be remiss to not say anyway.  Paul,
not Paul of NT, New Testament, but Paul of SC, South Carolina, did a
nice  job of outlining the practical. If we do not know what we are facing,
sometimes we paint it worse than it is. However it is, we need to face it
knowing the above, that God will provide. Things will work out, and things
will pass on and one day, you and Ben will be looking back at now, and see
how you made it. Life sure can be like a roller coaster with hills of good
times riding high, and dips and turns where things are a challenge, and a
few loops to turn us upside down, but we are  not at the mercy  of
mechanics, we are at the mercy of God, who ought be the focus of our
thoughts and prayers at such times. I do not say this to say you are not
praying, I know better, but I know you are down, and lonely. Seems I
remember you mentioning you met a lady who you befriended there, a fellow
blind person? Perhaps you can meet up with her? I'm trying to think of who
I know in that area. I know a lady in Pennsylvania but not sure where she
lives. I see her pretty sporadically but I'll make a point to try to catch
up with her on the net or email her to see  if she lives nearby. I remember
when I was born again, and gave my life and concerns to God, what a feeling
to know all I carried on my shoulders was lifted. I felt my concerns I
faced were not just mine, but if I prayed for God's guidance and did what I
thought he wanted based off my heart pointing towards him, he'd honor that
and I no longer felt it was my responsibility to keep the boat afloat, but
simply row it according to his direction.  I think we over simplify or
gloss over the fact there were only to men who physically and literally
walked on water. One being Jesus and the other Peter. Peter did OK until he
saw the waves and conditions around him and took his eyes and focus off
Jesus. He told Jesus that if it was him out there to bid him to come to
him. Jesus did and out he went. He actually did it, defied what he might
naturally expect to happen to him physically and literally in that
situation, but he did it because he was focused on Jesus. He then got away
from thinking and focusing on Jesus and focused on the waves and etc. and
started to sink and screamed "Lord save me". Jesus did save him with a
rebuike on his faith simultaneously. No matter what things look like around
you, no matter what others that do not believe might say in your company,
what ever things look like in other people's lives, believers or
non-believers, none of that matters. All that matters is  your focus on God
and rely on him to help you through your situation in life by your faith
and trust in him. I do pray that this situation will turn Ben closer to God
and not away, that your faith will be a support, encouragement, and guide
for him. I pray that his foot,  will heal faster than expected, that his
diabetes is healed  and until that    manifest physically, that he be
wise  in his care of it giving prevention as we know medically. I pray that
his thoughts are not over run with responsibility, and hopelessness,
because there is hope, things will turn around, I pray he has the mind set
of Peter when he walked out on the water, and if he  is unable to do that
then pray he calls out to God for safety. I pray as well for you for peace
of mind, for loneliness to be satisfied and strength, and joy in the midst
of your trial. For any form of depression to be gone.

Brad