Kathy,

You bring about some good points and some good points of frustration we
share as well. I have some definate observations on healing noticing the
reactions of people as well having studies it out via tapes by a faith
movement preacher. I also have a testimony of healing as well. I'll follow
up with a mesage or two once I get caught up with the 240 messages I
recieved while gone to Brenda's grandma's funeral this past weekend. Thanks
for yaw'ls prayer too on that one, things went well.

Brad


At 11/14/2003 on Friday, you wrote:
>Rhonda,
>I really appreciate your honest response. You sound a lot like me and
>where I'm coming from. To be truthful, I used to not think about it,
>healing that is, at all. I just figured that I am blind and that's the
>way it is. Sure, if I could see, so much of my life would be easier, I'd
>be lying if I didn't admit that, but I figured that I was just practicing
>contentment in my situation and, maybe, even gave myself a few spiritual
>pats on the back for being so accepting of it. Haha!
>I don't know. I've just been thinking more about healing the past few
>years, especially since I ran into that antenna and lost more of my
>vision, not that I had that much to begin with. I just wonder sometimes
>if my contentment is my way of getting away from wrestling with the issue
>of, Can God really heal, and if He can, why not me? It's easy to say,
>"God can do anything, including heal," but how do you behave as if you
>really believe it?
>Then, I have to admit that I wonder how things might change if I got my
>sight back. I wouldn't be the amazing blind lady any more. I'd be Kathy
>with no excuse when I drop the ball. I even worry sometimes that I might
>become really arrogant and judgmental. I have those tendancies sometimes
>already and I wonder how bad I'd get if I could really see everything
>that is going on. Sometimes, it bothers me that, even though I can't see,
>I do so much at church while perfectly healthy people sit around and do
>nothing. How would I handle that if I could see? Oh, I am praying that
>this makes sense. Would I even be more critical? If so, that would be a
>horrible thing to do to the image of Christ and I wouldn't want to do
>that.
>Sometimes, I'm jealous that sighted people can sit anywhere with the
>entire bible in their laps, or hold it in their hands while I have to
>remember, "now which volume was that in again?" I love the feel of print
>books. Then, I have to remind myself that, at least I have braille and a
>good memory which is more than many people in the persecuted church have.
>
>Then I wonder about, in which condition would I give God more glory?
>True, as a blind person, I know that I kind of stick out, and people
>wonder how I do things even though I can't see. I have a pretty upbeat
>personality and I'm pretty determined, but some of that is personality
>and some of it is training. True, God provided me with this personality
>and also provided the opportunity for training and my college education,
>but I would still have all that with which to serve Him even if I could
>see. Blind people, who don't know Christ, receive the same response.
>Then, I wonder, how would people respond, what would happen if I were to
>be healed, say, this Sunday, in front of all those people. If it were to
>ever happen, I often wish that it could happen in private, but then, I
>would be like the lady who was bleeding for twelve years and just wanted
>to get healed and get away without fanfare. That wouldn't be fair to God
>who deserves all the credit. See, I'm seeing in myself, pride and fear
>and lack of faith, maybe, on my part as well, not just in the people at
>church, and it is keeping me very mixed up and uncomfortable Which, I
>think is a good thing until I get it worked out. That's why I kind of
>want to talk with you guys about it.
>Phil, a few years ago you had mentioned that you would write some day
>about your blindness and healing, but I've never seen it. I'd be
>interested in hearing your thoughts. Probably most of us have experienced
>being prayed over and having people say that we have a lack of faith when
>we don't get healed. I have one woman at our church who thinks that my
>blindness is the main thing holding God back from helping this church and
>I refuse to take that. This church had major problems way before I got
>here and they will continue to some degree or other until Christ comes or
>this church, dissolves, because we are all fighting against our
>sinful nature. Where there are people there are problems, that's for
>sure.
>What I wrestle with is, why did God place me in such a difficult place
>for a blind person. Why do I live in a place where there isn't mass
>transit and very few people to get rides from since so many work. Why
>don't I live in a neighborhood where people are within walking distance
>anyway. Since I can't drive, why couldn't the home we found to live in at
>least be close to the church so that I could get there on my own? Why do
>I have so many ideas for children's ministry and music and drama, and
>art, but I can't find people to help me bring my visions and ideas to
>reality? I can do the writing, but I can't produce the visuals and that's
>what I get a lot of the time as ideas, visuals!
>I'm sorry for being so vulnerable here. Carol, I bet that you got a lot
>more answer than you bargained for. After all this rambling, I'm still
>not sure that I've hit the nail on the head, but thanks for being patient
>and letting me hammer away.
>In Him,
>Kathy
>
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