Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  I have wondered many of
the same things.  I once had a Christian counselor tell me that perhaps
the reason God didn't restore my sight might be because others couldn't
handle it.  Think what wouldhappen for example if someone at your church
prayed for you, and you regained your sight, would the person think they
had done some great thing, would the church think they had figured out
the secret to healing and start holding meetings, would youu be on TV
and in newspapers and could you deal with new found popularity?
I wonder all of these things, how would having sight change me, I'd
still love to see, my daughters, my husband, a sunset.
I just wonder about these things.

----- Original Message -----
From: "Kathy Du Bois" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, November 14, 2003 12:40 PM
Subject: Re: healing...fear


> Rhonda,
> I really appreciate your honest response. You sound a lot like me and
> where I'm coming from. To be truthful, I used to not think about it,
> healing that is, at all. I just figured that I am blind and that's the
> way it is. Sure, if I could see, so much of my life would be easier,
I'd
> be lying if I didn't admit that, but I figured that I was just
practicing
> contentment in my situation and, maybe, even gave myself a few
spiritual
> pats on the back for being so accepting of it. Haha!
> I don't know. I've just been thinking more about healing the past few
> years, especially since I ran into that antenna and lost more of my
> vision, not that I had that much to begin with. I just wonder
sometimes
> if my contentment is my way of getting away from wrestling with the
issue
> of, Can God really heal, and if He can, why not me? It's easy to say,
> "God can do anything, including heal," but how do you behave as if you
> really believe it?
> Then, I have to admit that I wonder how things might change if I got
my
> sight back. I wouldn't be the amazing blind lady any more. I'd be
Kathy
> with no excuse when I drop the ball. I even worry sometimes that I
might
> become really arrogant and judgmental. I have those tendancies
sometimes
> already and I wonder how bad I'd get if I could really see everything
> that is going on. Sometimes, it bothers me that, even though I can't
see,
> I do so much at church while perfectly healthy people sit around and
do
> nothing. How would I handle that if I could see? Oh, I am praying that
> this makes sense. Would I even be more critical? If so, that would be
a
> horrible thing to do to the image of Christ and I wouldn't want to do
> that.
> Sometimes, I'm jealous that sighted people can sit anywhere with the
> entire bible in their laps, or hold it in their hands while I have to
> remember, "now which volume was that in again?" I love the feel of
print
> books. Then, I have to remind myself that, at least I have braille and
a
> good memory which is more than many people in the persecuted church
have.
>
> Then I wonder about, in which condition would I give God more glory?
> True, as a blind person, I know that I kind of stick out, and people
> wonder how I do things even though I can't see. I have a pretty upbeat
> personality and I'm pretty determined, but some of that is personality
> and some of it is training. True, God provided me with this
personality
> and also provided the opportunity for training and my college
education,
> but I would still have all that with which to serve Him even if I
could
> see. Blind people, who don't know Christ, receive the same response.
> Then, I wonder, how would people respond, what would happen if I were
to
> be healed, say, this Sunday, in front of all those people. If it were
to
> ever happen, I often wish that it could happen in private, but then, I
> would be like the lady who was bleeding for twelve years and just
wanted
> to get healed and get away without fanfare. That wouldn't be fair to
God
> who deserves all the credit. See, I'm seeing in myself, pride and fear
> and lack of faith, maybe, on my part as well, not just in the people
at
> church, and it is keeping me very mixed up and uncomfortable Which, I
> think is a good thing until I get it worked out. That's why I kind of
> want to talk with you guys about it.
> Phil, a few years ago you had mentioned that you would write some day
> about your blindness and healing, but I've never seen it. I'd be
> interested in hearing your thoughts. Probably most of us have
experienced
> being prayed over and having people say that we have a lack of faith
when
> we don't get healed. I have one woman at our church who thinks that my
> blindness is the main thing holding God back from helping this church
and
> I refuse to take that. This church had major problems way before I got
> here and they will continue to some degree or other until Christ comes
or
> this church, dissolves, because we are all fighting against our
> sinful nature. Where there are people there are problems, that's for
> sure.
> What I wrestle with is, why did God place me in such a difficult place
> for a blind person. Why do I live in a place where there isn't mass
> transit and very few people to get rides from since so many work. Why
> don't I live in a neighborhood where people are within walking
distance
> anyway. Since I can't drive, why couldn't the home we found to live in
at
> least be close to the church so that I could get there on my own? Why
do
> I have so many ideas for children's ministry and music and drama, and
> art, but I can't find people to help me bring my visions and ideas to
> reality? I can do the writing, but I can't produce the visuals and
that's
> what I get a lot of the time as ideas, visuals!
> I'm sorry for being so vulnerable here. Carol, I bet that you got a
lot
> more answer than you bargained for. After all this rambling, I'm still
> not sure that I've hit the nail on the head, but thanks for being
patient
> and letting me hammer away.
> In Him,
> Kathy
>
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