hi all.
It took me almost nine years, but  i was finally able to write this down.
It wasn't easy and i pray that others would benifit.  ***warning*** long!
The Truth Behind the Walls

	Most people don’t know what really goes on behind the walls of an abortion
clinic… unfortunately I do.  I had an abortion on March 18, 1999.  Some
would criticize me, and call me heartless and say I was going to hell.  I
would call myself stupid, scared, but forgiven!

	It was a dreary kind of cold Thursday morning as I rode to the clinic with
my parents.  The father of my child didn’t go with us… he chose to stay
behind and deny what was going on.  I was about ten weeks pregnant and my
life was spinning out of control.  I had just found out I was pregnant about
a month before, and during that month it seemed like my life was no longer
my own.  I let my parents tell me that I had no other choice but to abort my
little girl.  I figured that the father wasn’t helping me with the decision
so what choice did I have?

	As we rode the forty-five minutes to the clinic I laid on the back seat
with my seeing eye dog Claudia next to me on the floor.  I had so many
thoughts going through my mind, yet I had nothing going through it at the
same time.  I was scared and at that point I didn’t care if the procedure
killed me.  That’s what they called it… the abortion was a procedure, the
fetus was a pregnancy, and the mother… well she wasn’t considered a mother.
I had to sign a lot of things and listen to some stuff the day before about
the *risks* of the *procedure*.  They included but are not limited to:
breast cancer, tremendous blood loss that could lead to a transfusion, liver
damage, and possibly death.  Who wouldn’t be scared?

	I knew that the tiny twitch going on inside of me was a person, but I was
too scared to stick up for her!  The crazy thing?  I had written a story for
an assignment of my senior year of high school that included a girl not
going through with her abortion.  Laying there I thought “could I be that
girl?  Would I have the nerve?”  My parents were talking to each other… not
about what was about to happen.  They left me to my own thoughts thankfully.

As we pulled up to the clinic door, my mom said to me, “You know… if I were
in your shoes, I would be doing the same thing.”  I seriously wanted to spit
at her.

As I numbly got out of the car with Claudia, it was like I was a zombie.  It
wasn’t me who was doing this.  It wasn’t me who was about to go kill a
child.  It couldn’t be.

The first few hours were just waiting.  Then it happened all at once.  The
doctor-if you could call it that, was late because… get this!-he was
delivering a baby!  Crazy huh?  So, they found me a new doctor.  I still
remember her name-dr. lumly.

First was the sonogram.  I remember asking what my baby looked like, and
they said the fetus looked normal, my mom didn’t say a word.  Then was the
scale where they weighed me.  I remember my weight.

Then they took me to this room.  Claudia stayed with my mom and dad.  This
lady came in to get the anesthetic ready and I asked her a question.  I
asked her first if I could ask the question to which she said it was ok.
Then the question: “has anyone just got up and walked out.”  The monster
didn’t answer me!  I swear this, if I could’ve seen I would’ve ran out of
there and found a way for me and my daughter to make it.  But I was so
horrified and alone… it was horrible.

Then the doctor… murderer… whatever you want to call her came in.  she told
me to lie back, and they stuck the needle in my arm.  From the minute the
needle was in I started to cry.  During the whole thing, I just felt like I
was being held.  I was not alone in that room.  I hadn’t came back to God at
that point, but I feel that He knew my heart and He was with me.

When it was over I found myself in this room… it sounded like a big class
room wide open etc.  I was still crying when I woke up.  My parents said
that when they were told how I was doing, they had to physically pick
Claudia up so she wouldn’t bolt.

I don’t remember leaving the place.  I remembering making my parents pull
over several times because the anesthetic they gave me made me throw up
several times.

When we got home, I couldn’t believe where I was.  Everything was normal.
My brothers didn’t have a clue.  I remember feeling so horrible because my
brother Eric, who didn’t have a clue… a few weeks earlier we had been
playing around and he hit me really hard in the stomach.  I thought to
myself, “maybe he’ll kill my baby so I don’t have to.”

The months after my abortion I think I was suicidal.  Well not really
because I don’t think when it came down to it I would’ve done anything
really.  Then I found the Left Behind Series.  I was addicted.  Growing up,
I never knew the God that they talked about.  Sure, I’d been baptized, but I
don’t think I ever knew God.

I was baptized and re-dedicated on 10/01/02.  And for almost 3 years I was
in love with God.  I still struggled, I was still in pain.  My
boyfriend-Skyla’s (my daughter’s) father broke up with me and found someone
else.  But God was with me through it all.

Then, my father was killed in a motor cycle accident.  I still deal with
issues of anger towards someone who doesn’t even know I’m angry with him
because I didn’t go see my father the weekend before he died.  But I know
that I’ll see my daddy again.  I’m limping back to God because I know He is
the only one who cares, that you can cling to, that you can lean on!  I know
my daddy knows I forgave him, even though I never came out and told him.  I
know he’s up there right now holding my little girl.  My daddy and Skyla
Ilene will be the first people I will see.  I know that my little girl has
forgiven me.  I don’t know if the father has ever dealt with it, and all I
can do is pray for him.  He is not my responsibility any longer.

I write this now because in two weeks, will be the 9th anniversary of my
abortion.  I’ve never let Skyla go, and I’ve learned that I don’t have to.
She’ll always have a piece of my heart.  But now that Jeremy and I are
trying to start a family, I have to acknowledge that fact that I don’t have
to let her go.  I can keep her and know she is in the best care possible.
She’s my first-born, my little angel, and with her papa.

Skyla Ilene barr (name given by god)
Due date-(confirmed by god) September 25, 1999

Whispers From Heaven
Mother, dear, dear Mother,
could we talk, you and I?
When I look down from Heaven,
sometimes I see you cry.
I want so much to hug you then
as tight as tight can be,
Because I think the tears you shed
are sad, sad tears for me.
Dear Mother, I forgive you,
O please believe I do!
It must have been so difficult,
so very hard for you.
They told you things would be all right,
your life would just go on,
But never said how much you'd weep
and grieve when I'd be gone.
Yet we can still be very close
and love each other, too,
For though I'm now with God,
I'LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF YOU.
So Mother, won't you NAME me, please
and from my Home above
I'll hear you and I'll come each time
you call to me with Love.
I'd like to be the faithful friend
in whom you can confide;
Your sentinel before God's Throne,
the Angel at your side.
So TALK to me and SING to me,
and PRAY with me, please do!
And when you send a smile to me,
I'll send one back to you!
So don't be sad, Mother,
you'll be fine, I know,
For I'll be there in Spirit
where're you may go.
And when God brings you home to me,
my heart will know true bliss,
As I run up to greet you
with a great big hug and kiss!
Love,
Skyla Ilene Barr-was due 09/25/1999

***author unknown***


Jenifer Gilley
Christ came that we may have life everlasting!
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