I love these, especially Judas Asparagus!

Peggy
http://kernsac.livejournal.com/
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Carol Pearson" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 10:11 AM
Subject: SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU SMILE


> Hi,
>
> I hadn't seen this round of funnies, so maybe you haven't either! 
> <Smiles>
>
> In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior 
> church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, 
> compiled from their essays:
>
> "In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but 
> God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," 
> but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a 
> light!" and someone did. Then God made the world."
>
> "He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't 
> embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam
>
> and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
>
> the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because
>
> they didn't have cars."
>
> "Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was 
> Abel.
>
> "Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who 
> lived to be like a million or something."
>
> "One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of 
> his kids was kind of a ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family 
> and some animals on it.  He asked some other people to join him, but they 
> said they would have to take a rain check."
>
> "After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous
>
> than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
>
> for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
>
> sports coat."
>
> "Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton 
> Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil 
> Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues 
> included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel 
> Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten 
> Commandments.
>
> These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's 
> bottom
>
> (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my
>
> Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President).  Oh, yeah, I 
> just
>
> thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother."
>
> "One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use 
> spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the 
> town."
>
> "After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a 
> slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 
> porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise 
> to me.  After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
>
> One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
>
> up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess 
> we don't have to worry about them."
>
> "After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of the 
> New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been 
> born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the 
> door! Were you born in a barn?"   It would be nice to say, "As a matter of 
> fact, I was."
>
> "During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees 
> and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was 
> Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable 
> after him.
>
> "Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some 
> Germans on the Mount.  But the Republicans and all those guys put
>
> Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. 
> He
>
> just washed his hands instead."
>
> "Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went 
> up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is 
> foretold in the book of Revolution."
>
>
> --
> Carol
>