I'm not sure I follow these questions. I am somewhat afraid of people
seeing me close up and not liking what they see. I do not open up and
trust easily. but once people do get to know me, they get to know me.
I am me and Oon't really know how to be someone else and don't
really want to learn that either.
this may in part be a cultural thing. Germans on the whole are pretty
direct if not to say blunt sometimes and some of my American friends
who have lived in this country sometimes consider Germans pretty rude.
Some people when they get to know me and see the all of me will pull
away. That can be painfuland I know the pain of rejection and fear it
but I rather have fewer genuine relationships than many shallow ones.
when I get closer to someone, make friends, i try to ask for
directness, bluntness. I especially find this important in an
intercultural setting where the obvious to one party might not at all
be the aame to the other. So I might as well take the opportunity to
extend this request to you guys on this list that you give me "blunt"
if there is a need for it. <g> I find that the relationships where
there is directness work the best for me.
When I get close to someone, I do fear the other seeing too much,
fear the pain of rejection and that sometimes causes a lot of inner
turmoil to me as I lack self-confidence a lot and am used to
secondguessing myself a lot. this is where my lessons in "simple!"
come in. And I sometimes find that "simple!" is the hardest for me to learn.
While I struggle with the fear to be seen too much of a lot, at the
same time, I long for "come and see" in my close relationships and
try to keep my shields down. I used to be very different, used to be
walled in a whole lot more and sometimes I wonder if that is not the
better choice. Probably it's a matter of balance and I'm not always
very good at finding that balance.
I find that what i feel about and how I handle my human relationships
also affects my relationship with God. I am still very much trying to
learn to trust God completely and sometimes feel scared of him or
think he might not want to hear me or talk to me. I marvel at the God
of the Universe caring so much to not only put up with me, but liking
me, loving me, being excited about me. <g> Itr is incredible to me
that Jesus loved me enough to die for me so that i could live, would
have the chance to be right with God and relate to the Creator of the
Universe on a very intimate level.
Of course it is silly to try and hide from the god who created me,
knew me from the beginning of time and yet I find that I sometimes
want to do that. It's been Mr God's work over the recent months to
try and teach me differently, teach me "simple!" and affirm the "come
and see" of which there is no way out with him anyway. I sure am
grateful for that. Getting to know Mr.God close up is the bestest
thing ever! And i am so thankful for him caring about me, accepting
me, loving me,providing for me and also for the family in Christ he
has given me.
And I can't help but be me. If anything, since getting to know God
more up close, I've been more "me" than ever before. It amakes me
more aware of my shortcomings and faults and finity and I am more
than ever aware that I have no chance without God's grace and mercy
and without Jesus but that is just the wonder of that. And i am
learning that this applies to people too. I'm learning about love,
the unconditional kind that I had a bit of a shortage of
sometimes - both with Mr.God and with people.
the potential Mr God sees in me often feels many sizes too big but
yet he seems to think I'll fit that eventualy and that gives me hope
and as I grow in the lord, i hope that I'll be more like him and hope
I'll shine that back on people. I so much long to be of service and
have people see Mr.God in me just as I have seen and see mr.god in
the people Mr.God puts in my life.And with Mr.God, it's got to be
genuine and straight because he's in the middle and knows and I can
only reflect God when I reflect from my middle out and don't put on filters.
I think I rambled enough and I hope this is not too crude or personal
but the question kind of touched me. I do hope that I am genuine
enough to let Mr.God shine out from me unfiltered and unshielded.
God Bless,
Doris
At 06:40 AM 5/30/2007 -0600, you wrote:
>Who would you be if you were yourself? What if people saw you for whom you
>really are? Who would you be then?
>
>Phil.
>
>
>
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