Hi Doris.  That was absolutely beautiful and well-crafted and well 
thought out.  I loved it!!

You said so many things which directly apply to me, but I cannot 
write through my anger and disquiet at present, so thank you for 
doing this for me.  I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Since my single-mindedness, I still don't really know who I am yet, 
much less where I fit in the scheme of things.  I feel like a little 
stone, crunched and rolled along by massive tires.  In short, 
sometimes I know nothing about me except that right now, I hate my 
life.  I hate, hate, hate it!!

Love,

purple Mari




At 06:37 AM 5/30/2007, you wrote:
>I'm not sure I follow these questions. I am somewhat afraid of 
>people seeing me close up and not liking what they see. I do not 
>open up and trust easily. but once people do get to know me, they 
>get to know me. I am me and Oon't really know how to be someone else 
>and  don't really want to learn that either.
>
>this may in part be a cultural thing. Germans on the whole are 
>pretty direct if not to say blunt sometimes and some of my American 
>friends who have lived in this country sometimes consider Germans pretty rude.
>
>
>Some people when they get to know me and see the all of me will pull 
>away. That can be painfuland I know the pain of rejection and fear 
>it but I rather have fewer genuine relationships than many shallow ones.
>
>when I get closer to someone, make friends, i try to ask for 
>directness, bluntness. I especially find this important in an 
>intercultural setting where the obvious to one party might not at 
>all be the aame to the other. So I might as well take the 
>opportunity to extend this request to you guys on this list that you 
>give me "blunt" if there is a need for it. <g> I find that the 
>relationships where there is directness work the best for me.
>
>When I get close to someone, I do fear the other seeing too much, 
>fear the pain of rejection and that sometimes causes a lot of inner 
>turmoil to me as I lack self-confidence a lot and am used to 
>secondguessing myself a lot. this is where my lessons in "simple!" 
>come in. And I sometimes find that "simple!" is the hardest for me to learn.
>
>While I struggle with the fear to be seen too much of a lot, at the 
>same time, I long for "come and see" in my close relationships and 
>try to keep my shields down. I used to be very different, used to be 
>walled in a whole lot more and sometimes I wonder if that is not the 
>better choice. Probably it's a matter of balance and I'm not always 
>very good at finding that balance.
>
>I find that what i feel about and how I handle my human 
>relationships also affects my relationship with God. I am still very 
>much trying to learn to trust God completely and sometimes feel 
>scared of him or think he might not want to hear me or talk to me. I 
>marvel at the God of the Universe caring so much to not only put up 
>with me, but liking me, loving me, being excited about me. <g> Itr 
>is incredible to me that Jesus loved me enough to die for me so that 
>i could live, would have the chance to be right with God and relate 
>to the Creator of the Universe on a very intimate level.
>
>Of course it is silly to try and hide from the god who created me, 
>knew me from the beginning of time and yet I find that I sometimes 
>want to do that. It's been Mr God's work over the recent months to 
>try and teach me differently, teach me "simple!" and affirm the 
>"come and see" of which there is no way out with him anyway. I sure 
>am grateful for that. Getting to know Mr.God close up is the bestest 
>thing ever! And i am so thankful for him caring about me, accepting 
>me, loving me,providing for me and also for the family in Christ he 
>has given me.
>
>And I can't help but be me. If anything, since getting to know God 
>more up close, I've been more "me" than ever before. It amakes me 
>more aware of my shortcomings and faults and finity and I am more 
>than ever aware that I have no chance without God's grace and mercy 
>and without Jesus but that is just the wonder of that. And i am 
>learning that this applies to people too. I'm learning about love, 
>the unconditional kind that I had  a bit of a shortage of 
>sometimes  - both with Mr.God and with people.
>
>the potential Mr God sees in me often feels many sizes too big but 
>yet he seems to think I'll fit that eventualy and that gives me hope 
>and as I grow in the lord, i hope that I'll be more like him and 
>hope I'll shine that back on people. I so much long to be of service 
>and have people see Mr.God in me just as I have seen and see mr.god 
>in the people Mr.God puts in my life.And with Mr.God, it's got to be 
>genuine and straight because he's in the middle and knows and I can 
>only reflect God when I reflect from my middle out and don't put on filters.
>
>I think I rambled enough and I hope this is not too crude or 
>personal but the question kind of touched me. I do hope that I am 
>genuine enough to let Mr.God shine out from me unfiltered and unshielded.
>
>God Bless,
>
>Doris
>
>
>At 06:40 AM 5/30/2007 -0600, you wrote:
>
>>Who would you be if you were yourself?  What if people saw you for whom you
>>really are?  Who would you be then?
>>
>>Phil.
>>
>>
>>
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