On Saturday night, Jesus took me back to my rage, which, by the way 
gave birth to one of my helpers when I was yet a child.  I carried 
this rage for at least 50 years.  It was so familiar that I 
integrated it into part, (the largest portion) of my personal identity.

I had to go back and feel it again, the murderous, destructive, 
powerful rage, mostly directed against my brother who was the 2nd of 
my sexual perpetators from the time I was 12 until I was 16 years old.

But, it was not just the molestations, but it was the fact that, 
along with taking my body whenever he desired it, it was also the 
fact that he drew it and sharred these drawnings with his school 
mates.  I only knew this when I overheard a conversation between my 
brother and his best friend as they talked and laughed about the drawings.

My brother was a gifted young artist, and, his renderings of my nude 
body and, of course, my sexual organs must have been pretty good.

As I returned to the place where this rage, both against my father 
and my brother, a wave of nausea swept over me and, I wasn't sure if 
I would cry, or vomit.  It turned out that I was suffering from 
abreaction, which Phil had seen many times before.

In the long and the short of it, I ended up giving up the murderous 
rage and, later only discovered that I also carried guilt because, as 
a twelve-year-old girl, growing into a woman, not only did my body 
enjoy the first few encounters, I had given him permission for these 
first encounters.  Later, when the enjoyment wore off, he had to use 
threats and intimidation to continue this sickening behavior.

Now, to where I am now.  This rage formed a goodly part of my own 
personal identity and, when I gave it to THE LORD, now, I feel as if 
I have lost a huge chunk of myself and I feel empty and sorrowful.

Jesus showed me how he viewed me, though I still believed myself to 
be a twenty-cent whore.

There is also the further complication of the aniversary of my 
parents death which is on the twenty-fifth of this month.

Please, my loving family, please pray for me.  I feel in deep grief 
at present.  I know that THE LORD JESUS THE CHRIST is with me because 
he promised this, but pray, pray, pray for me during this deep 
grief.  I know that I will be a much happier person, free of the 
weight of the guilt and the rage when all is said and done, but I 
need your support.

I am sorry if this subject has offended some, but writing at least 
some of it is very, very important.  I need to shed light on this 
all-too-long darkened and self-destructive part of my life and my personage.

Thank you for reading this.

LOVE IN CHRIST THE RADIANT AND GLORIOUS KING,

Mari