Enjoy this dialogue
between a Nigerian man and an American telemarketer.
Ring.....Ring...Ring
Mr Okoro : Hello?
Telemarketer : Hi, this
is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to
let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing
and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetry
in Bridge-
Mr Okoro : What?!!!
Telemarketer : If you would
just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm
the free burial space we have reserved for you---
Mr Okoro : You reserved
what for me.....A grave?
Telemarketer : A free burial
space
Mr Okoro : What's the difference?
Telemarketer : Well the
word "grave" can be scary sir, you can disregard the letter if
you don't want it. This is just
a curtsey call to---
Mr Okoro : So as a telemarketer,
you can pick up the phone and cold call people and pitch them with such
offers?
Telemarketer :Well, yes
sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them
--
Mr Okoro : Of course, who
wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definately interested in a grave.
I am. That is a very important decision to make before die right?
Telemarketer : I agree with
u sir. You are so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand
why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you
pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself.
Mr Okoro : I see say na
u dem send come
Telemarketer : I'm sorry?
Send....come?
Mr Okoro : Oh, they don't
use the witchdoctor in the village anymore right? They have gone nuclear
and now are using Americans. Na you dem send come!
Telemarketer : I'm sorry
sir, but i don't know what you are talking about.
Mr Okoro : I get fillage
too o! i be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside.
Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me gold circle
condom protection, u hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why
na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like?
Telemarketer : I don't understand
what you are saying--
Mr Okoro
: You go understand by force. Na airmail i go take send winch to you. You
hear. Una tink say una know winch just because una dey do halloween? You
tink winch na dat abracadabra una dey do for America? You tink na to chant
poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show
u where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju Black winch, red winch,
multi-colored
winch....for my fillage, na your eyes i go take flavor the juju sef. You
go know beta winch when my own army land.
Telemarketer : I do apologize
to you if my phone call has offended you in any way-
Mr Okoro : You have not
offended me. I am not offended. Do i sound offended? Why would i be offended
because you- kindhearted telemarketer that you are- reserved a grave for
me? Do you know how old i am? 32 . In my country, people don't die at 32.
When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are
still alive. You want me to die before them?
Telemarketer : I didn't
mean anything-
Mr Okoro : You people never
mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare u wish me
death--
Telemarketer : No, that's
not what --
Mr Okoro : I DON'T CARE!!!
Do you know how many years i worked on getting a visa to come to America?
10 Years....Ejioku.....10!. Do u know how many laws i broke in so many
countries before i found my way here? I have been here only 2 yrs. All
the people who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid.
My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of
Dollars
for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because
i am just now able to afford a telephone because i cannot make good money
due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before i can
even begin to enjoy a little,.....ah, your own don spoil o, i swear , e
no go betta for you.
Telemarketer : E no....what?
Mr Okoro : Na hand ya mama
and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes dem go take cry for that yeye
grave wey u don reserve for yaself.
Telemarketer : Are u cussing
me sir?
Mr Okoro : cuss you ke?
why should i? why would i want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave?
I am only reacting in my own local English. That is how we behave when
we are overwhelmed with joy in my country.
Telemarketer : I just had
a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me.
Mr Okoro : See dis wowo
wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish....Look, just aside, are all the
members of your family reserved space in your graveyard?
Telemarketer : Some of them
do have--
Mr Okoro : No, don't stop
there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all
of them make una dey go do whassup dog for Hollywood, abi na wey u dey
call from
Telemarketer : I have to
hang up now sir
Mr Okoro : Before u hang
up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers
call people on the phone to assure them a free burial space, and then try
to get them expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it call? Bait and
switch, right?
Telemarketer : I don't know
what you're talking about.
Mr Okoro : You get pickin
Telemarketer : get picking?
picking what?
Mr Okoro : You get pickin?
u don born bomboy? make you dash your pickin thegrave now
Telemarkete r : Dash picking.....you're
dissing me?
Mr Okoro : Diss? Dis one
pass dis, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S, kiss- serious kiss of the death
Telemarketer : I have to
hang up now sir
Mr Okoro : No, please wait.
Let me reserve the whole cemetery for your unborn children. I will also
reserve a full page in the Daily times Obituary section--
Telemarketer : Thats mean!
you can't talk to me like that just because i am a telemarketer. We are
people too
Mr Okoro : Yes, bad people....people
who call to trick me at all kinds of hours into buying something i don't
want.
Telemarketer : I'm going
to report you to the INS! You will be deported!
Mr Okoro : My juju go don
finish you before you reach the place. Winch pass winch! you no go die
betta, i tell you. I go make sure u crase first, make you waka enter k-mart
abi wetin una dey call market for dis side- before dem finish you!......
She reserve grave.....why you no take knife kill me yaself? E no go betta
for ---hello? you hang up? why u no wait make i finish ? why not wait?
Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.
END
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