Kathy,

Got a cup of coffee at the ready to read this? lol. I understand exactly 
what you are saying. I've seen it many times with the history of alcohol 
and drug abuse in  my family. No matter what you do, or don't do, it can be 
used against you. You say something to him, and "you are picking on Me", 
"trying to run my life", "just don't understand", "jumping to conclusions", 
"think you are so perfect and high and mighty", and on and on and on. You 
don't say anything and it's "you don't care", "you just sit and watch me 
fall on my face and say nothing", "you don't love me or else you'd have 
helped me", "your words say one thing but your actions say another" and on 
and on and on and on. Perhaps not that explicit in your case but the 
inference is there I'd bet.   Take my words below for what ever... you are 
living it not I, but saying and proving you love him is a "yah". Saying he 
is manipulating and you don't care for it? Is a "nah". Why nah? Because he 
knows this already, he's lived with you for 17 years. He saw your 
disapproval with his attempts to manipulate, your other kids as they tried 
it with testings of growing up, perhaps grown ups you've associated with 
and talked about around the house as well. He knows your position I'm next 
to positive. He also, being a manipulator, doesn't like to lose at a game 
he prides himself on survival in sticky situations so he views being caught 
as a failure and will only get mad at himself, and you, then dig in deeper, 
then making it harder on you to remain in that constant love. He'll make it 
harder for you for punishment. That is just my thought. I guess you could 
just not open your self up to being used or manipulated. That will say much 
more than stating it in words.  For one thing, expect his calls to come out 
of the blue, that way you aren't focusing on getting caught off guard as it 
were. Expect he'll try to manipulate you, don't dwell your thoughts on it, 
but when you pick up the phone, and it's Chris, be happy to hear from him 
as if it were a friend of yours who you know has history of using you a 
bit, but yet you love them. Then just  don't fall for his dramas. Let him 
know in action that manipulation won't work.  Be diplomatic about it. You 
know what diplomatic is according some famous guy who I can't remember the 
name of? lol. It is selling someone a ticket to hell in such a way they 
can't wait to go. Point being treat him like an adult, like he is  your 
adult kid and on his own. Let him make his own messes, don't create a 
spiteful situation or purposefully get his goat, because I'd think he'd 
just shut down to anything positive you have to say. I know perhaps you 
disagree with this as it came up before but it sort of falls in my point. 
If Chris is half looped up and drives over to your house? Pulls in the 
drive and you take the keys and  call a cab or someone to bring him home. 
Great. Don't call the cops. If he on the other hand pulls in the drive half 
looped up and smashes in your  garage door? Then call the cops, you need a 
police report anyway for insurance, and he'll learn a lesson in the process 
and although might say differently, he'll know you did what you did because 
you had to, not because you want to. It is like Phil posted one day... 
"What is truth?". Truth is what we believe it to be whether it is or not. 
That is our definition, not God's. If we believe eating peas on Friday 
nights will get us saved, we believe that to be a truth, we act according 
to that belief, and we expect others to respect that and fall in 
accordingly when dealing with us. Will eating peas on Friday nights save 
us. Of course not but that doesn't matter when we are dealing with the 
person who thinks it, especially if we want to change their mind. Coming 
out and just blatantly telling them eating peas on Friday won't save them 
will only offend them, get them mad, turn them off to anything else you 
want to say, and you get nowhere. A subtle manner and action and proof to 
the contrary is needed, and one day they'll catch on, or you'll have a God 
sent opportunity to go for it and tell them. The same is for Chris I tend 
to think. Picture it this way?

Chris comes knocking on your door:

You: Hi Chris. Hey what brings you by?

Chris: Well mom. I sort of made a mistake. I've been praying about it ever 
since but I got drunk and went home to Nickies place and she got mad at me 
and kicked me out and I was praying about it and thought I could come home 
and sleep here tonight.

You: Oh geez honey. Well I'd like to do that I really would but your 
brother is sleeping in your old room now and we really don't have a good 
place for you to sleep. Sorry. Maybe you ought try Nicki's place again.

Chris: But mom I can just sleep on the couch or something that's all I 
need, I just need a place to crash tonight.

You: Well I'd like to do that but with the  other kids being impressionable 
and all, we really can't do that for several reasons. but Would you  like 
me to get you a phone book perhaps there's a hotel you can stay in tonight.

I know it probably wouldn't be that easy but that is the idea. Stop the 
manipulation possibilities, yet let him know you care.

If you were to answer the door saying

"Chris I'm tired of you manipulating us around here. We are your parents 
not some bum off the street. When are you going to  blah blah blah" *smile*

Again you  wouldn't necessarily say it that way, but it is his perception 
you are working off of and by remaining constant and unwavering yet loving 
as Pat would say. That is only my perception of a choice from 1400 miles 
away or so. You probably aren't going to come out "winning" as you might 
want, to get the point totally across to him, and he might yet get mad, but 
at least he sees consistency, love, and a lack of a successful selling of a 
bill of goods that isn't true. Now, you better warm up your cup of coffee 
after that long winded babble.

The Babbler