Brad,
thank you!  I knew that you, more than anyone would understand.  Now,
in all this, I'd love to know when you turned your life over to
God.  I'll bet that that is a powerful chapter in your life as well.
Kathy


At 07:15 PM 1/1/2006, you wrote:
>Rhonda,
>
>I've been trying to keep up with email but fear I missed  some of this
>thread. From what I did get to read Ben is having difficulty with
>depression due to perhaps unworthiness and etc. due to the affects of
>diabetes.   A fair warning, this is a bit of a long post so your choice to
>continue, the delete button is the lower left hand corner of what is called
>the "six pack" keys, or CTRL D in some programs lol. As I've mentioned
>before, Ben is welcome anytime to contact me if nothing else to bend an
>ear. Back in 1990  the affects of Retinitus Pigmentosa began to encroach my
>life. I was in a family business with full  intentions on one day taking it
>over. What kind of person was I? Well I wasn't a born again Christian back
>then for sure. I was a very visual person, considered myself a very
>independent person as well. I loved to drive here and there and was never
>home. I once hopped in my pickup truck at a whim when I was like 18 or 19,
>got up at 2:00 in the morning and drove 275 miles to Milwaukee for
>something to do, picked up some Danish or some dumb thing like that, bummed
>around a little bit, and headed back home. I was the guy  who if I
>explained something to you, it was with a sketch pad often times. I very
>much loved to look at  dusking skies and all their images I could see in
>them. I could just sit in a public place and watch people, their reactions
>and behaviors and wonder what they were about. I relied on my vision for
>work, for eye contact without a word being said, it was so very important
>to me. I was the type of person who knew what I knew, and what I knew no
>one was talking me out of it. I was very secure, very independent, still
>somewhat sensitive but not as much as now having  lived through a life
>change. Was I happy? Yep, very easy going, not too vengeful, pretty
>happy-go-lucky guy but as I said very secure in my own thoughts, decisions
>and in dependency. I knew I was having vision issues for a few years but
>yet maintained  my "wholeness" , that being independence and etc. I
>remember our family business slowing down, I was going through a different
>time of life and decided to leave it and get a job at a local factory. I
>applied for the job, they informed me it was not a fun job, it wasn't a
>likeable job, and that most people quit shortly after trying it. The job
>was basically  two things. Service a large machine and when I wasn't going
>to be doing that, I was to stand in a hot pit of sand and beat the slag off
>of large cast parts that came fresh out of the cast molds. The sand was
>there to help keep the area cool as the parts were extremely hot. Well,
>they showed me the room in which this machine I was to service had filled
>and it was basically  a large room with a large machine in it and one, only
>one mind you, one bare light bulb dangling over the top of the large
>machine. This machine was probably the size of a car for some reference
>point.  I walked out of that room and told the guy there was no way I could
>do that job due to vision problems I was experiencing in low lit areas. Of
>course he laughed and thought I was giving him a line and basically said...
>"I knew you would quit when you heard about the job". I even tried truck
>driving for my father-in-law, full well knowing I had vision issues at
>night, but felt I was safe to drive yet at that point. I found out
>different when I nearly drove a rig carrying 48,000 pounds of cast steel
>over an off-ramp. I had the wheels  up off the curb, cab bouncing around,
>buzzers going off and with nothing but darkness in front of me and not
>knowing which way to turn the wheel, yet knowing I had to turn the wheel, I
>cranked it to the right and popped back on the ramp and stopped that thing
>in a beaded sweat. I pulled off to the truck stop I was headed to and
>waited until morning and finished the trip, delivered my load, made the
>trip back home and quit. It was basically at that point I knew I needed to
>see a doctor about my vision. He suggested I file for SSDI as I was less
>than 10% radius in my vision. I remember asking myself. What now? How am I
>going to provide for my family. We just were in the process of buying a
>house, and our first brand new car, I had one kid about five and the
>other  just about four. My wife had been working on and off, and also had
>gone to cosmetology school along in there and was working at a JC Penny's I
>believe. Nonetheless we didn't have the bucks to make ends meet. I had
>unemployment benefits because it was winter time and I couldn't work back
>in the family business if I wanted to,  and we waited for an answer from
>Social Security. Meanwhile our bills piled up. I remember two legal sized
>pads of bills. One was full the other half to three quarters. We still owed
>for our daughter's birth, we had no insurance at the time, and my son's had
>some minor complications but we did have insurance but yet a deductible to
>meet and etc. I locked myself up in my room with my guitar and my first
>computer for months on end. People would come to visit and I wouldn't even
>come out of my little room/office. I wasn't happy, I was afraid, I felt I
>was dependent upon others, I could still see to read and etc., but I
>couldn't drive. I became Mister Mom as my wife continued to work and had
>need to change her work for better pay and benefits I no longer carried.
>Who was I now, is what I wondered. I was not happy, I saw no future, I
>envisioned difficulty, I wondered what good was I to anyone, why live a
>miserable worthless life? And yet in all of that I still  didn't realize
>full well what blindness meant as I could still see for many day to day
>tasks, I guess God knew I couldn't handle seeing the full picture, as it
>were. .  Finally with interest in my new computer, and computers being on
>the rise in homes, I decided I wanted to be a Micro Computer Specialist. I
>checked into the education and etc. and then someone  in the blindness
>fieled where I applied for a grant pointed out, "How are you going to do
>your job when your vision gets worse?". I still didn't have a clue as to
>the fact in my situation, visually I'd get worse. I then decided to attend
>a blindness training program in Minnesota. This was one of the, if not ,
>"the" best things I ever did to help myself in that area. I learned things
>which although I had no use for them at the time such as cane travel,
>Braille,  and etc., I would come to have them at my disposal when needed.
>At this juncture I was lifting weights pretty vigorously trying to keep in
>shape and was doing a pretty fair job of it actually. Oh, and to attend
>this blindness training? I had to take up residency from Wisconsin to
>Minnesota, and leave my young family six hours drive away from me for six
>months. They came and visited, but I remember  being on my knees crying
>like a baby leaning against a multi-colored couch in the apartment I was
>staying in as they drove off for home. I knew my kids  didn't understand
>why I needed to be gone, and my wife, as much as we had some issues with my
>"situational depression" as I call it, and her soon to be diagnosed
>"clinical depression", I knew she was quite broken up having to  drive home
>without me. That was probably  the last one, of my bottom dips, in my
>blindness. Yet at that time I knew I was ultimately on my way up as I was
>very  confident in my new found training to help me live independently.
>Since then I have successfully ran a vending business, twice in
>fact,  having given it up once for a three year stint in Texas, where I did
>not find work. I could have had one job but deemed it a bad deal for
>various reasons I'll not elaborate on, and oh yes I did telemarketing for
>two weeks, until I literally could no longer get myself to dial the phone
>for condemnation in going against what I believed in. I do not like
>telemarketers and here I was doing what I did not believe in, and in fact
>it was a deceptive practice or guise in which we called so I gave it up
>despite the $50 I made in two weeks lol. That tells you how good I was at
>it.  Oh I did as well do some transcription for our church there as our
>pastor was planning on embarking on a writing project and would use it as
>the foundation.  I could have gone to school in Texas but for varying
>reasons decided against it and soon after I felt God telling me to return
>to vending, and in fact I was able to return to the very same route I
>started in here in Wisconsin. Could I have had other options? Yes, but I
>decided against them,  not because I couldn't do them.    I, now, am
>praying and considering yet other options, but that is another story. The
>point being, Kathy is right, we ought be afforded a time to grieve, we have
>losses and yes we ought have time to grieve those losses. Should we stay
>there an over extended time? No. Does it help to have someone else to talk
>to at that time? I don't know, I didn't have anyone I knew that was in that
>situation back then. I  had a blind uncle who did some things, but I wasn't
>in contact with him much and to be honest for other reasons I didn't feel
>he would make a very good role model. Looking back yes I would have
>probably appreciated someone to bend an ear with that had gone through
>such. I guess that is what I found at the blindness learning center, others
>who were going through what I was, and others who had successfully  gone
>through it and were managing their lives despite blindness. Those which had
>a handle on life and themselves and got on with things. That was inspiring
>to me. It is very natural for men especially, and now days a growing number
>of women as they embark on their own careers and etc. to identify
>themselves with what they do for a living. Without that we tend to feel as
>though we are somehow less of a person. None of us chose to be blind, it
>isn't something we did, or a lack of what we did that has put us  in that
>juncture in life. We can choose however to let it roll over us or grab it
>by the legs and toss it over and tie it like a roped calf. I certainly
>didn't feel like doing that back in 1990 though. But I did after I saw the
>potential I could be despite blindness. Ben has an absolute fantastic role
>model of a successful blind person living right under his roof in his wife.
>A woman of godly faith, faith in her husband who she is obviusly head over
>heels in love with, is very personable, socially outgoing, not afraid to be
>involved with  group activities, is attending college for crying out loud
>as a non-traditional student" as they call us mature folks who return to
>school, and has proven to be a supportive and loving mother. While  it is
>true that a prophet has little honor in his own home town or family, as
>Jesus said, that however does not mean reason for honor does not exist. And
>it would do well for that town or family to see the example of success that
>exists. I'll be honest, I appreciate and know the value of having a sighted
>spouse, albeit I know I could manage without, and yet there are times I
>know as well it would be much more comforting having a blind spouse knowing
>that my spouse knows what I go through at times and could identify with me.
>That I'll not have, just like I've not lived through or with what she has
>to deal with or has dealt with. So life has it's trade offs doesn't it,
>equally in balance, or not, much of that is dependent upon the situation at
>hand rather than to be judged as a constant.  None of us are perfect.  I
>know I have thoughts even today of "I wish I could just hop in a car and go
>somewhere" or as I've said so many times through the years... "If I got my
>sight back? I'd be gone for  a month straight just driving and traveling
>this land taking it all in". The difference is now is that those thoughts
>don't shut me down. Years ago I felt if I gave up on such thoughts, I'd be
>giving up hope, I'd be giving up what and who I am, I'd be giving up a part
>of me that I can't live without. And yet I felt if I hung on to them, I was
>only torturing myself. I'd see others who said they accepted they would not
>do this or that and I felt sad for them to have given up that hope and
>accepted the acceptance. Yet I understood that it was for their own sanity,
>or mental or emotional health, or perhaps energy spent on thinking of such
>things that they felt need to give it up. I can't honestly say I've
>accepted blindness with open arms and that I am thankful for it, because I
>am not. I believe God has used it for my benefit, the benefit of my family
>in ways I'd otherwise not have been concerning them, yet if not blinded I'd
>have not been to them some unwanted things as well. But I look back on my
>past with a great fondness and gratefulness that I can remember those
>things I did see and experience. I'd take my sight back in a New York Light
>Minute, if there is such a thing, and yet dwelling on that I know is
>unproductive and will not allow me to be the independent and secure person
>I am even now. Back in 1990 I would never have thought I could travel solo
>across the country as a blind person, but I have and can. I remember back
>in my blindness training days at the center, they somehow put me in as
>student president, and it happened to be the open house of this new
>facility we attended, or new to them, it was actually a prestigious and
>historical place. But at the Open House as student body I had to make a
>speech. I thought what in the world can I speak about. I mean I'm newly
>blinded myself and dealing with things. I remember borrowing three
>principles from Stephen Covey... now now now, don't go getting upety on me
>cause I'm referring to a motivational and very likely new age speaker lol.
>I later found these three principles in a person who had accomplished much
>for blind people world-wide. The three principles were "Dependency, In
>dependency and Interdependency". Not even knowing I was speaking the
>similar principles of this blindness pioneer, I  thought this was a new
>mental or emotional technology if you will. And so I suppose spoke with
>that mind set, as if I were telling them something new, and to some perhaps
>it was new. That being dependency was just that, being solely dependent
>upon others. Independent, being solely dependent upon oneself. And then
>Interdependent, that of being secure in one's self enough to "choose" to be
>dependent upon others to make the best of our life or situation.  Speaking
>aside from our spiritual walk here as I think we'd all agree we are totally
>dependent upon God for our very breath we take. But, we do have three
>choices.  We  can choose to allow ourselves to be dependent upon others for
>our daily  life tasks, decisions, and activities. Or we can choose to be
>pig headed about things and choose to be independent at any rediculous
>cost, to do it  ourselves no matter how much time, resources, money and
>etc. it might take. No matter if it is in our best interest or not, but we
>dad-gummit are going to do it ourselves. Or we can choose to recognize that
>yes, we can do it ourselves, but wouldn't it be to our benefit to solicit
>someone's help right about now. And perhaps allow more time to do something
>else, or even help someone else with something they need help with. That is
>where we need to live in regards to blindness. To know we can do something
>if we really choose to. Even if we've never done it before, haven't a clue
>of how we could do it, but just being secure and sure we could do it if
>push come to shove and we really wanted or needed to, and then be secure
>enough to say "Hey, got a minute to lend a hand with this?" I've been
>around those who are dependent and it isn't pretty, it solicits pity,
>sorrowful feelings, sympathy, and the need for others to feel as though
>they are somehow responsible for any given situation or need while in the
>presence of that blind person, when they in fact are not. It isn't the
>blindness however that creates this dependency but our reaction to it in
>the sight of others. Yes there are times there are those who treat us as
>such initially, but that is in fact their own issue and likely their own
>insecurities coming out strange as it might sound, it is true.  I've also
>been around those who have been rudely dependent and it is an ugly scene.
>Leaving sour faces on those innocently just being friendly or  yes  perhaps
>a bit misinformed  to the abilities of blind folks, perhaps due to
>the  person they met last week who chose to be totally dependent on others
>and extracted help in such a way that left the sighted person feeling as
>though all blind folks are this way. I've also seen interdependent folks
>who blend in socially. They seem to just blend in fine, sometimes there is
>a time of adjustment, but once people get to know people, things work out.
>Much is dependent upon how we portray ourselves, our posture, our body
>language, our  willingness to initiate conversation and our sureness of
>travel and etc. People pick up on these things by watching us from across
>the room, just as they might anyone else, albeit we are much more the
>target carrying a cane or using a guide dog. Do we live interdependently
>24/7/365? I wish, but I find myself at times not, but no different than
>sighted people. I've been in cars where we were going in circles trying to
>find a place when in fact if they'd have listened to me and asked
>directions at the first convenience store , we'd have been there already.
>We just need to get over our own sensitivity to our own blindness thinking
>that because we happen to choose to get help in some very evident areas,
>that equally but in different ways even sighted folks will do this without
>regard at times, or perhaps only after their pride is broken down and they
>finally get mad and then go ask for directions. Am I dependent? Could I
>live on my own as a blind person? Yes, do I choose to? Well know I was
>married before I became blind, but I did in fact have to examine my
>relationship during some marital problems years back to ensure I wasn't
>staying in  it for the wrong reasons. I wasn't. Lastly here, I began this
>process of blindness without God, and am finishing it with God when my day
>to leave this earth arrives, and I'll have had the strength of god and I
>prefer the latter. But again, that doesn't differ from any other born again
>Christian looking back at his life does it.
>
>Brad