Rhonda,
         This could be discouragement, it could be depression or it
could be grief over all he has lost.  You two have gone through so
much this past few years.  You've moved more than twice.  Ben has
changed jobs and lost the last two in ways that are really hard for a
man to take.  then, on top of all that, there are the medical
issues.  There is a lot to grieve over here.  You guys are carrying a
very heavy load.
         I guess that what jumped out at me immediately is the idea
that there is grief here.  You know, in our American culture, we do
not allow people the time that they need to grieve their loss and
readjust.  I'm not saying that you are guilty of this, but in
general, it is true.  Someone loses their spouse and often too soon,
their friends are trying to get them back into the dating scene.  I
think that the older and more eastern cultures had it right when they
made a widow dress in black for a year and take the time to really
mourn the loss.  If we lose a limb, or grow old, we're just supposed
to buck up and deal with it and not think about what we used to be
able to do and miss it.  We're just supposed to keep moving.  Often,
this expectation is the worst in Christian circles where people
misquote 1 Thessalonians 5:18 and tell the sufferer to give thanks
for all circumstances instead of "in all circumstances."  There is a
big difference, you know.
         You have lost a lot too.  It would be really hard on our
family if Greg suddenly lost his sight.  It's nice to have someone
who can drive a car, especially because I live in an area that does
not have affordable, mass transit.  Life would be so much harder than
what it already is and I'm sure that it has become much harder for
you because you have actually had to face that situation head on.
         Also, men like to be providers.  Ben probably feels very
inept in that department right now.  Is rehab  a possibility for
him?  Is he interested in going back to school for anything?  I do
think that it would be good if Ben could focus on the things that he
can still do, but he may not listen to you as well as an outsider on
this point.  I"m not saying anything against Ben here.  I just know
that people often listen to outsiders more seriously than they do
their own family members.  Even Jesus recognized that one.
         I hope that Brad comes out of lurk mode soon.  He may have
some really good suggestions for you since he has experienced
something somewhat similar here.  I just know that sitting and
stewing and dwelling on himself is probably the worst thing that Ben
can do.  Maybe you guys could just start taking walks
together.  You'd be surprised at how exercize can really help.
Kathy, who is done being a cheer leader now!    I'm really praying
for you guys, Rhonda and I pray that life starts turning around for
you soon!  Honest!


At 05:49 PM 12/31/2005, you wrote:
>Maybe it's a little of both,  some days it seems to bother Ben more than
>other days that he can't see well enough to drive, or go anywhere  by
>himself, or just the two of us.  I feel sad sometimes too,  while I gained
>back a man I love and am glad to  be with, his sight was also mine...
>We've been through a lot these past few years,  bad times, and good,  I
>guess this is just an adjustment, a major one at that.
>It's just hard to see someone you care about feeling so down,  the thing
>they want most, the thing they desire most is to be able to see enough to
>drive and work like they did before, and I am powerless to do anything about
>that.  While it is true I have always been blind, sometimes I too wish I
>weren't.  Guess the major difference is I didn't choose this,  diabetes is
>such a bad disease, if it is not strictly controlled it can cause soooo much
>damage.
>Rhonda
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Echurch-USA The Electronic Church
>[mailto:[log in to unmask]] On Behalf Of Phil Scovell
>Sent: Saturday, December 31, 2005 3:01 PM
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: when someone you love is depressed!
>
>Rhonda,
>
>It is best to try and figure out first, if the feelings are really
>depression or deep, or strong, discouragement.  Discouragement is
>circumstantial and depression is retrospective.  Discouragement can look
>like depression so it can be confusing about what to do.
>
>Phil.