It is only my opinion and suggestion as a parent myself having seen
similar behavior outside the role of a parent. Sounds like Chris is and
will have his own two pegs to stand on. There are times you'd like to say
something to a kid as a parent, letting them know you know the score on a
certain thing but wisdom says "hold your tongue", tuffy hehehe.
Brad
At 08:30 AM 1/18/2006 -0500, you wrote:
>Thanks Brad,
>Your post is letting me know that I handled the conversation well
>yesterday. I pretty much just let him report in, as an adult. I
>think that you would have been proud. what I get left with, however,
>is that under current of, "you little bugger! When are you going to
>quit the games and grow up!" Wisely, I bite my tongue, but my tongue
>is getting pretty swollen! GRIN!
>Thanks for the guidance!
>Kathy
>
>
>At 08:21 PM 1/17/2006, you wrote:
> >Kathy,
> >
> >Got a cup of coffee at the ready to read this? lol. I understand exactly
> >what you are saying. I've seen it many times with the history of alcohol
> >and drug abuse in my family. No matter what you do, or don't do, it can be
> >used against you. You say something to him, and "you are picking on Me",
> >"trying to run my life", "just don't understand", "jumping to conclusions",
> >"think you are so perfect and high and mighty", and on and on and on. You
> >don't say anything and it's "you don't care", "you just sit and watch me
> >fall on my face and say nothing", "you don't love me or else you'd have
> >helped me", "your words say one thing but your actions say another" and on
> >and on and on and on. Perhaps not that explicit in your case but the
> >inference is there I'd bet. Take my words below for what ever... you are
> >living it not I, but saying and proving you love him is a "yah". Saying he
> >is manipulating and you don't care for it? Is a "nah". Why nah? Because he
> >knows this already, he's lived with you for 17 years. He saw your
> >disapproval with his attempts to manipulate, your other kids as they tried
> >it with testings of growing up, perhaps grown ups you've associated with
> >and talked about around the house as well. He knows your position I'm next
> >to positive. He also, being a manipulator, doesn't like to lose at a game
> >he prides himself on survival in sticky situations so he views being caught
> >as a failure and will only get mad at himself, and you, then dig in deeper,
> >then making it harder on you to remain in that constant love. He'll make it
> >harder for you for punishment. That is just my thought. I guess you could
> >just not open your self up to being used or manipulated. That will say much
> >more than stating it in words. For one thing, expect his calls to come out
> >of the blue, that way you aren't focusing on getting caught off guard as it
> >were. Expect he'll try to manipulate you, don't dwell your thoughts on it,
> >but when you pick up the phone, and it's Chris, be happy to hear from him
> >as if it were a friend of yours who you know has history of using you a
> >bit, but yet you love them. Then just don't fall for his dramas. Let him
> >know in action that manipulation won't work. Be diplomatic about it. You
> >know what diplomatic is according some famous guy who I can't remember the
> >name of? lol. It is selling someone a ticket to hell in such a way they
> >can't wait to go. Point being treat him like an adult, like he is your
> >adult kid and on his own. Let him make his own messes, don't create a
> >spiteful situation or purposefully get his goat, because I'd think he'd
> >just shut down to anything positive you have to say. I know perhaps you
> >disagree with this as it came up before but it sort of falls in my point.
> >If Chris is half looped up and drives over to your house? Pulls in the
> >drive and you take the keys and call a cab or someone to bring him home.
> >Great. Don't call the cops. If he on the other hand pulls in the drive half
> >looped up and smashes in your garage door? Then call the cops, you need a
> >police report anyway for insurance, and he'll learn a lesson in the process
> >and although might say differently, he'll know you did what you did because
> >you had to, not because you want to. It is like Phil posted one day...
> >"What is truth?". Truth is what we believe it to be whether it is or not.
> >That is our definition, not God's. If we believe eating peas on Friday
> >nights will get us saved, we believe that to be a truth, we act according
> >to that belief, and we expect others to respect that and fall in
> >accordingly when dealing with us. Will eating peas on Friday nights save
> >us. Of course not but that doesn't matter when we are dealing with the
> >person who thinks it, especially if we want to change their mind. Coming
> >out and just blatantly telling them eating peas on Friday won't save them
> >will only offend them, get them mad, turn them off to anything else you
> >want to say, and you get nowhere. A subtle manner and action and proof to
> >the contrary is needed, and one day they'll catch on, or you'll have a God
> >sent opportunity to go for it and tell them. The same is for Chris I tend
> >to think. Picture it this way?
> >
> >Chris comes knocking on your door:
> >
> >You: Hi Chris. Hey what brings you by?
> >
> >Chris: Well mom. I sort of made a mistake. I've been praying about it ever
> >since but I got drunk and went home to Nickies place and she got mad at me
> >and kicked me out and I was praying about it and thought I could come home
> >and sleep here tonight.
> >
> >You: Oh geez honey. Well I'd like to do that I really would but your
> >brother is sleeping in your old room now and we really don't have a good
> >place for you to sleep. Sorry. Maybe you ought try Nicki's place again.
> >
> >Chris: But mom I can just sleep on the couch or something that's all I
> >need, I just need a place to crash tonight.
> >
> >You: Well I'd like to do that but with the other kids being impressionable
> >and all, we really can't do that for several reasons. but Would you like
> >me to get you a phone book perhaps there's a hotel you can stay in tonight.
> >
> >I know it probably wouldn't be that easy but that is the idea. Stop the
> >manipulation possibilities, yet let him know you care.
> >
> >If you were to answer the door saying
> >
> >"Chris I'm tired of you manipulating us around here. We are your parents
> >not some bum off the street. When are you going to blah blah blah" *smile*
> >
> >Again you wouldn't necessarily say it that way, but it is his perception
> >you are working off of and by remaining constant and unwavering yet loving
> >as Pat would say. That is only my perception of a choice from 1400 miles
> >away or so. You probably aren't going to come out "winning" as you might
> >want, to get the point totally across to him, and he might yet get mad, but
> >at least he sees consistency, love, and a lack of a successful selling of a
> >bill of goods that isn't true. Now, you better warm up your cup of coffee
> >after that long winded babble.
> >
> >The Babbler
Brad
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church
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