Tech Support



________________________________________ 



> A Few Words From Tech Support... 
> 
> -When you get an error, don't bother to write anything down. We can 
> play back the error messages from here. 
> 
> -When a tech says he's coming right over, make sure you go for a cup 
> of coffee. It's nothing 
> to us to remember the screen saver passwords for everyone in the 
> company. 
> 
> -When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it 
> buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, 
> dried flowers, bowling trophies and popsicle art. We don't have a 
> life, and we 
> find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 
> 
> -When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping 
> you from getting it. For example, we don't need to know that you can't 
> get into your 
> mail because your computer won't power on at all. 
> 
> -When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it 
> at once. We're just testing the public groups. 
> 
> -When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill 
> your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 
> 
> -When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. 
> The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who 
> don't have email or a telephone line. 
> 
> -Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and 
> flags it as a rush delivery. 
> 
> -When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual 
> greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message 
> and 
> wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the 
> director because 
> no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy. 
> 
> -When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. We can fix 
> that too 
> since there's electronics in it. 
> 
> -When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer 
> support. We can fix your line from here. 
> 
> -When you have a dozen old monitors to get rid of, call computer 
> support. We collect antiques as a hobby. 
> 
> -When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair 
> with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We 
> love a 
> good puzzle. 
> 
> -When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges 
> in them, argue. We love a good argument. 
> 
> -When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete 
> everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway. 
> 
> -When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a 
> setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do 
> anything; we 
> just love to hear ourselves talk. 
> 
> -When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a 
> scathing tone of voice : "And just how many weeks do you mean by 
> shortly?" 
> That'll really get us going. 
> 
> -If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display 
> to true colour, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about 
> people 
> reading confidential files over your shoulder. 
> 
> -When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. 
> We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done. 
> 
> -When the printer won't print, resend the job at least 20 times. 
> Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 
> 
> -When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to 
> all 68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work. 
> 
> -Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly 
> what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack". 
> 
> -Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps. 
> 
> -If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go 
> around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. 
> We're 
> grateful for the overtime money. 
> 
> -When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out 
> your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too. 
> 
> -When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, 
> eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy. 
> 
> -Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this. 
> 
> -When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on 
> this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your 
> computer. 
> 
> -If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your 
> dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were 
> designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them. 
> 
> -If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail 
> upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin 
> crumbs and nail clippings in them. 
> 
> -When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes 
> button as fast as you can. If you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing 
> it, would you? 
> 
> -When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on 
> the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't 
> have 
> any money to speak of anyway. 
> 
> -When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. 
> Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and 
> Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional 
> engineer with a 
> master's degree in nuclear physics. 
> 
> -When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary 
> to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a 
> third party who doesn't know jack about the problem. 
> 
> -When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a 
> computer question. We work ALL the time. 
> 
> 


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