Phil,
I have a few questions about my role as a parent right now. The reason
that I have chosen to ask on list, however, is because I know that there
are a lot of godly people here and I value all the in put I can get.
We are pretty sure that Chris is using drugs. The key logging program
that we are using right now only records Chris’s side of conversations on
instant messenger, but he says enough to let us know that he is using. In
fact, he may be hiding things in his unfinished shack out back. We just
learned this last night after he got off the computer and it looks like
he may be skipping school today so we don’t know how much we will be able
to find out, but we are trying. Chances are that, whatever he has would
be so small that, once again, it won't get much of a rise out of the
police. I’m so grateful that a detective attends our church so that we
can get some legal questions answered anyway, but my questions are more
on the spiritual end.
Phil, you have mentioned in the past that you also tapped your phone and,
I suppose, if you were in our situation, you would have also tried to
find some spy wear, but my question is, after the encounter that you had
with God, when you were in the hospital recovering from pneumonia, do you
have a different view of doing this now? I mean, I remember that you said
that God told you to let Him handle Gretchen. Was God telling you to step
back and just let natural consequences take over? Is doing all of this
spying forcing the hand of justice or is it helping natural consequences
happen faster? I mean, is doing all of this rushing God’s timing or are
we partnering with God to, kind of, turn up the heat more quickly? Maybe
another way of saying this is, is doing this kind of stuff taking the
control away from God? I hope that this makes sense.
Also, I am struggling with my feelings as a parent right now. When I
think of a mother, I think of words like, nurturing and protecting, but
right now, I feel none of this toward Chris. I just want him to get
caught and get out of my life. I’m sick of him and the way he is. I’m
trying to sort out my feelings about, maybe pride because Chris thinks so
little of our God given authority over him, kind of like a "how dare
you," kind of reaction and yet also angry at the evil that he is doing!
It’s hard not to feel like, at least 15 years of godly teaching is being
thrown out the window right now, like a spitting in my face type thing or
something, and I have a hard time figuring out whether my feelings are
righteous anger or just natural pride, which could be wrong. How did you
deal with this?
I know that a few people on this list have talked about living in
families with a sibling like Chris and I keep those comments in mind as
we try to deal with things. We are trying to be sure to give our other
kids lots of attention so that they won’t feel cheated, but I can tell
you, it is hard when you have such an attention demanding problem in the
corner. One thing is for sure, I feel no desire to pay Chris off in the
hopes that he will, some day, get better. No way. I’m angry, and maybe
that is what is talking right now. If so, and someone fines it
uncomfortable, I’m sorry about that, but that’s just where I am.
I don’t know how this Thanksgiving will turn out. It’s interesting that
you guys are talking about staying home to avoid tense situations. My
home is the tense situation right now and there is no escaping it.
God bless,
Kathy

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