This institution has been so perverted, to the point, that I continually
question it's "natural-ness" :-).  Some sisters actually consider taking
their own lives than to leave the situation because of what people will say.
Those who remain and endure in front of and because of the kids, are
diminished - the children end up hating them for allowing it to happen and
powerless at the same time because they cannot help their mother.

A dimension to spousal abuse which I find myself constantly challenging some
of these women on is their sense of self.  The verbal abuse which often
times accompanies the physical abuse is more damaging and lasts far much
longer.  The sisters start owning these demeaning descriptions - I'm having
none of that with them!  I have my own insecurities and God knows I do not
need my significant other telling me how stupid or local I am after beating
the hell out of me.  Yes, the struggle continues!

I've thought a lot about why some women do not leave abusive relationships.
When "I" left my mother's house, where my three sisters and "I" slept on one
bed or on the floor, coming back with 2 more bodies to that same milieu
creates more hardship and carries a social stigma.  Add to that my uncle who
gave me away telling me "munyal, sa dorm yi nyoi barkeh".  If this were
true, why are so many of us suffering/struggling when we know and have seen
how our parents suffered in their marriages. I pointed out this paradox to
some elders and all they could do was agree.  All of Gambia's children
should be successful because our parents did "saye"!

Knowledge and the ability to do for one-self, supported by legislation is
the key.  We have to work on enforceable legislation.  Couple this with
knowledge about our rights in tandem with programs for economic empowerment
and we have a chance at sustainable development.  What do you think?

Soffie



-----Original Message-----
From: Ndey Jobarteh [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Tuesday, March 02, 2004 6:19 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Question/Habibi/Jabou/Soffie



Soffie,



You are right I remember the saying that you have to stay in your marriage.
The pains, beating and harassment is part of marriage, you have to stay for
your kids.  Your kids won't be of any good if you are not patience and
endure all the pains that come with marriage life.  These are the things
that keep these women in the marriage and the economic conditions as well.
Some women will ask you what will I do if I leave him. I can't take care of
my kids alone. What will people say? How will I be judged? This is not only
in Gambia is throughout Africa. In my daily work I have to come across these
cases everyday and believe me it can be heart breaking and painful.

 Yes, knowledge is the tool and key to everything but also as Jabou has
rightly said we need policies and laws to protect these women and children.
It was a big thing here in Ghana a very powerful woman, this is a woman I
really admire and cherish. Very successful business woman. I came back from
my leave last year and I heard her using her maiden name and I asked I was
told that she divorced the husband. My shock was the fact that this woman
was being abused by the husband. The physical beating and abuse was
unbearable to the extend that she has to come public.

It was so sad that the papers had to carry the story but I guess it comes
with her position and influence in the Ghanaian society. There are many
cases like this.

 The Ghanaian women's movement is now engaged in a big advocacy and lobbying
for the Domestic Violence Bill to be passed by parliament. Most of the
parliamentarians who are men are afraid of the Bill to be passed in
parliament. People still feels that domestic violence is a private matter
but evidence had shown that so many women are killed and murdered in the
name of domestic violence. One of the successful cases the women's movement
in Ghana has is the establishment of WAJU (Women and Juvenile Unit of the
Police) these people deal with domestic violence cases, they are trained
Police Officers in this area.  So now you cannot go to the police to report
that your husband has broken your hand and the police will say that "this is
a private matter. Call the elders and resolve it at home."

 Some parts of Africa, women are inherited after the death of their husband
by their husband's brother.  All properties belong to the family of the
husband even if there are kids. They can throw you out of your marital home
with your kids.

 I kept on asking myself how many men will accept their daughters being
beaten, harassed and abused by their spouses. How many? I asked this
question because my father won't even allow you to talk to his daughter any
how. I remember one of my cousin sister was beaten by her husband. When she
narrated the story to my Mum, she insisted that my father should not know
about the issue.  So, I decided to inform my father about it, he got up went
to the house and literally beat the guy up. I was shocked and my father said
to him never lay your hands on my kid and he told him that is over.

 When I join the women's movement I kept asking myself is this how men are?
I won't beat, harass and abuse my daughter but I can beat some ones
daughter, mother, sister who happen to be my wife.

 Another thing is also the whole word WIFE. People take it to be ownership,
as long as you are my wife i own you, your are my property and this is where
the whole problem lies.

 I am glad that this discussion is taking place during the women's week.
Next Week will be International Women's Day, March 8th.





The Struggle Continues!!!

Ndey Jobarteh


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