With all the sick folks around I thought a little holiday humor was in good taste (pun intended).

With the holiday season on its way again, a few tips: Tired of people telling you how to get through the holidays without gaining ten pounds?  Here are tips to really enjoy the next six weeks:


1.  About those carrot sticks.  Avoid them.  Anyone who puts carrots on a buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.


2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly. Like fine single malt scotch, it's rare.  You can't find it any other time of the year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not as if you're going to turn into a eggnog-aholic or something.  It's a treat.  Enjoy it. Have one for me.  Have two.  It's later than you think.  It's Christmas!


3.  If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mash potatoes.

Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

4.  As for mash potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim milk, pass.  Why bother?  It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.


5.  Do you have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating?  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.  Lots of it.  Hello?  Remember college?


6.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10 pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.


7.  If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again soon.


8.  Same for pies.  Apple.  Pumpkin.  Mincemeat. And Paul says, especially chocolate pudding pie!  Have a slice of each.  Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Have three chocolate puddings.  Always have three.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?


9.  Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean have some standards!


10.  And one final tip: if you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.  Reread the tips. Start over.  But hurry!  Cook-less January in just around the corner....