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Too many passwords
Melville Cooke
THIS PASSWORD thing is getting ridiculous. Heck, it has been ridiculous for a
very long time.
It has become a strain not only on my memory, but also my creativity, as I am
simply running out of passwords that I can easily store in my terrible memory.
And of course the second rule of a password is that it must not be written
down.
It was only recently that I realised how insane this thing has become, when
STAR
desk colleague Claire Clarke broached this idea for an article of her own and I
stole it.
Since we are at The Gleaner Company, let us start there.
I have a password to log on to the computer system and then another for
Microsoft Networking (whatever the heck that is). It is not over. The editorial
system is called Coyote and I have to have a password to log on to that as
well.
I have solved that problem, though. The password is simply nothing. Zilch.
Squat. Non-existent. So that's three passwords so far, or two and a half, if
that last one is taken into consideration.
Then there is the telephone. I have a code for calls out of the building - as
is the same for the Gleaner's Western Bureau, that outpost of the plantation
which is so dear to my heart (I would not have made a good house slave). The
confusing, irritating and amusing thing is when I am in Montego Bay punching
the keys like crazy and not getting a line. Then I realise that I am trying the
code for a telephone 120 miles away. It happens the other way round as well.
That makes five passwords, but at least the telephone codes have been assigned,
so I did not have to strain my brain to come up with something.
While we are on telephones, I have an ICAS code. (Remember the International
Call Authorisation System (ICAS) in those dim, white pre-Digicel days? You
know, Cable and Wireless has made enough money out of Jamaica by what many may
regard as less than strictly ethical business practices. They can go now). This
code is also assigned, but is a series of letters, so remembering it is a bit
like sing-songing the alphabet in a jumbled way.
That makes six - oh, when you are turning the ICAS on or off you have to give
the operator your ID number, so that becomes a password of sorts.
Then there is the ABM card. Or, in my case, the three or four that I have been
through and no longer use, plus my wife's that she uses very occasionally. The
special things about these are that they are four-digit numbers. This presented
me with a problem, since I could not use my first name, Melville, its shortened
form, Mel, my last name, Cooke, or my elegant final solution, nothing. Hmm.
So, for years, I used a combination of the numbers of the last two rooms I
lived in on Block Che, Chancellor Hall and then, after I fulfilled my duty by
combining my genes with a beautiful woman's to carry on the Black race, I used
a version of our first daughter's nickname.
Hey, a free plug while we are at it. I use Jamaica National in Papine these
days - no charges, hardly any waiting. I haven't accessed an ABM card there as
yet, but there are no transaction charges on that either. Isn't that lovely?
Burn a small fire on Scotia.
How many passwords is that? I have lost count.
Then we get to the e-mail accounts. I use four, for what earthly purpose I am
yet to figure out - hotmail, ureach, yahoo and gleaner-jm. I had different
passwords for the first three, but by the time I got to the last one,
gleaner-jm (which should have been the first, seeing that I am not into Uncle
Sam), I got tired of the whole shebang and made it the same as the ureach. Oh
yes, I nearly forgot - I also check my wife's hotmail (occasionally), so I have
to remember that as well. Whew!
And if I forget the e-mail passwords and have to go to the secret question I am
in a bit of a pickle, since although the question is the same for all, where
required, the answer varied according to my ego on the day I opened the
account. The question? How far is the extension of that critical muscle at the
moment of truth.
I don't have a cellular phone, so I don't have a keypad to unlock; I do not
have a numbered Swiss account; I am not a techie on a computer system; I do not
have a combination safe filled with US dollars that I need to know the digits
to so that I can cut and run when the heat is on.
I can't imagine how the tech junkies keep up with the password rat-race.
And then it is advised that your password is not something that can be easily
figured out - not your name, family's names, birthday etc. This is a no-win
situation. If I follow that advice I am highly likely to forget the password
myself, if not, somebody else can figure it out.
The solution? Be broke.
Whoa! I nearly forgot another password, but had to use it as I logged on to
send in this piece. There is a password to access the Internet service - but at
least that one has a 'remember password' option.
Melville Cooke is a freelance writer.
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