DARWIN AWARD 2004
The Darwin Award is an annual honor given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing him or herself in the most extraordinarily
stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of
him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The nominees this year, in reverse order, are (and,
yes, these are all true):
No. 7
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting
drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to
buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
No. 6
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of
his home died of suffocation, according to police. He
was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed about 225
pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It
appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's
uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long
and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted
into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of
explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.
No. 5
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at
low altitude when another plane approached. It appears
that they decided to moon the occupants of the other
plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
No 4
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus-style bungee cords to bungee jump
off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police
said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "major trauma."
No. 3
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems
that he and a friend were playing a game of catch,
using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt
a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
No. 2
Employees in a medium sized warehouse in West Texas
noticed the smell of leaking gas. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of
the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object,
the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as particularly
'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER IS..... No.1
Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome,
Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a
ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once
again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle
his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of
his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on
the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging his testicles solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately
for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was at
least a foot higher off the ground than his testicles
are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him
forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between the housing of the washer, and the rotating
machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez
broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased
from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and
the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because
the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce
as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we
have allowed it
--
To terminate puerile preservation prattling among pals and the
uncoffee-ed, or to change your settings, go to:
<http://maelstrom.stjohns.edu/archives/bullamanka-pinheads.html>
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