In a message dated 2/25/2002 6:29:20 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:


> I hope you can see your way clear to open up that inner circle some. Being a
> recluse is no fun. I know, I am gradually seeing myself becoming that way.
>
> Hugs,
>
> Bobby
>
> I don't want to.  This is as much for their protection as mine.  I'm too
> short with people, then I hate myself, and it's become a recurring pattern,
> some of the physical problems you just described about yourself apply to me
> too.

I automatically say no to invitations because I have to cancel half the time
anyway.  There are too many things like that.  I still want to do things.  I
was thinking the other day about how close I am to the Kennedy Center, of all
places, and never take advantage of it.  There is a new show in town that I
can't even remember the name of, it's at the Warner theater and I want to see
that show.  It's something about dance in the fifties.  I can't even remember
the name.

If I plan to go alone, and can't at the last minute, it's only my ticket (I
say 'only' in a relative sense...).  If other people are involved, there's
the whole "awww...we were really looking forward to this, etc. etc." I know
they don't mean that I ruined our plans together on purpose, but it's
still...it feels that way after there have been a few too many situations
like that.  For something where tickets and reservations are involved, I do
realize that I would be risking the evening for others.  You can say to a
group in advance though, "Look, I never know how I'm going to be, so if I
have to bow out please go on and have a great time without me."  Still they
don't understand.  I can't change this, but too many people have not been
able to resist making me feel just a little bit guilty.

Whatever Kyle said about F*&% them (whatever he said), that's what I think
sometimes too.  I'm on a different planet than they are totally.

Still, I've always enjoyed doing things by myself.  I never felt like I
didn't want to do something unless someone else went with me.  I don't think
this is like a sentence really.  I just don't like a lot of the things that
happened along the way.  I don't like that a lot of times, the reason I stick
to myself because the world is structured in a way that makes it difficult
for us to be included.

There are so many barriers, that it becomes undesirable to battle all but the
most important.

I've made the decision Bobby, nobody made me.  Look at it this way, some poor
guy is free from being nagged by me right now  ;-)  You all have to put up
with me, but you can always yell at me if you want to.

Slap me baby!  Woo HOO!