In a message dated 3/23/2002 7:54:12 PM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:
> Maybe you are making it too much about disability. That "brazen b**ch" is
> most likely bossy and aggressive to almost everyone. I know I personalize
> things too much and sometimes it is about disability and sometimes it's
> not.
> Just a thought.
>
It's a good thought too Bobby, and I'm already considering it.
I'm stuck here a lot, I can't get out for days at a time sometimes, and those
days are physically awful. It's easy for me to lose perspective, especially
about this subject. I feel more threatened by circumstances than I used to.
This year is worse physically than last year, and what will next year be
like? Last month was better than this month. I can't count on my body at
all, it seems. I'm more afraid about these things than I want to say on the
list, but it's true. I'm also angry about being afraid like this. It seems
as though I should be able to get a handle on this, but things keep changing
all the time.
Then something stupid like this happens, and regardless of her motive, what I
really want to do is go over there and pound her into the ground and take out
all my anger on her.
This is also intermingled with a lot of things from my past that I'm angry
about, and I let on about some of that in a previous post. Please, can I
vent a little? For some reason, everything that is painful from my past is
slam dunking my mind right now. Things keep coming into my mind that I can't
stop. Kids who died on calls I ran are vivid right now. Not the adults,
just the kids. Something about the kids that never leaves any firefighter.
More than one firefighter has offed himself over this very thing. They're
always there, but I'm seeing them vividly, as though I ran those calls
yesterday. I don't know why it's all happening right now. Family deaths are
there -- it's all in my head like it all happened yesterday and the way those
deaths happened. I can see my sister in ICU right now, and wondering the
same teenage thoughts I had back then. What do I say? Can she understand?
I should say something helpful, but I don't know what. What kind of crap is
that for a teenager to have to think about? My dad was in the hospital with
life threatening stuff at the same time. He was in a whole different state,
in a whole different hospital and all we did was run from PA to MD to VA for
weeks waiting for both of them to live or die. I don't have any idea how my
Mom survived.
Obviously, there's more going on in this brain than concerns about my
neighbor or the disability, and I feel like I just have to ride this out
until it makes sense, or at least isn't so painful anymore. At the moment, I
can't think straight and I can't seem to concentrate on a damned thing. I
don't know why this is happening now, I just don't and I tell you now that
I'm not trying to conjure these thoughts. They're all crashing in. The
things that happen to you all get to me.
This think with Kyle right now? I want to go up there and find that guy and
let him know that if he makes them feel threatened, he can deal with me and
nobody will ever find him because there will be nothing left to find. The
truth is though that I'm not sure if there is anything left of me to find.
I'm completely flipped out and all over the map emotionally.
Whatever else is happening, I don't want to make an enemy of my nieghbor. If
she's pushy, she's pushy and I don't want to get into a sqabble with her.
When I make accessible changes, they will have been made and that will be the
end of it. Bobby, I'm not afraid to confront her because of her, I'm afraid
because of me. I snapped or something this winter. I don't know what the
heck has happened and I don't want to take it out on anyone. I'm afraid that
is what will happen if I get started so I'm keeping to myself. I'm staying
away from everyone I can for the time being, until I feel like a human being
again.
Sorry, it's just that too many things are getting to me right now. Thanks
for this. In my next life I promise to have cp for real.
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