Hi Gary,



>As a child, I was told
>that if I was nice to everyone and just smile all the time, everything
>would be juuuuust fine,

    I think you may have hit the nail on the head!! It is infinitely
frustrating to have to feel one way and act another. I have never edited
Amber frustration if she couldn't do something. She will try and then try
some more and then try even more - gets frustrated and throws the thing down
and walks away. I never say - that's not nice because her feelings of
frustration are valid. She will come back later and either try in a way the
succeeds or have Mommy or Jackie do it.

    Whereas I do believe that some anger maybe a result of the CP - I also
think a vast majority of it isn't and it is much easy to say it causes it
rather than that's what your mad at.  After 30 years of physical abuse - I
have learned the worst anger - the one that makes us most destructive - is
the one at ourselves. Few people can acknowledge this and/or learn to deal
with it. Mostly, those close to us have to deal with - either with broken
bodies or with broken belongings. It is much easier to take out someone else
than admit to our own frustration and anger with ourselves for not being
perfect or capable. How do you beat yourself up? I am willing to bet the
same people who get abusive violent in anger - also have a tape that they
run in their heads about being stupid and useless - etc. Or are experiences
a momentary or continuing  lack of control in their lives. We all have a
list of shoulds and shouldn't that hamper us and expectations. Expectations
make people miserable. I was raised by two people who are troubled souls. My
Mother looses it and goes straight for the juglar verbally - and my
step/adopted father just reduced me to a bloody pulp! Several of the guys
that I became engaged to where like that as well as 2 out of my three
ex-husbands. To say I abhor violence is an understatement. So imagine my
surprise when I lost it one day and tore up a room. About the time I was
about to pull the China cabinet over on myself - I realized what I was doing
and stopped dead. I looked inside myself to see what was really wrong -
certainly, what set me off - did not warrent such a tirade. I found I felt
very helpless and out of control - I had lost my husband, my job, my health
and my home all with a short period of time. None of these things were
anything I had any direct control over - but I still assumed they where my
fault. I wanted everything to be the way it should be according to my and
everyones elses expectations. Once I realized what was wrong I was able to
look at it and recognize it for what it was. Needless to say - I had a mess
to clean up and had to sit down and explain to my kid - what had happened.
Now, when the fury wells from my toes I put myself in time out and really
look for what I am really feeling. Each and everytime it is the frustration
with myself that I can't make things the way they are suppose to be. Now, I
try to accept that things are the way they are suppose to be - and if I
don't like it I need to figure what I can change it or what just needs to be
accepted. I am much happier and calmer!! I could easily blame the anger on
being physically abused and raped, -continue it and whine about how awful it
is. I chose to confront the demon and defeat it. Much healthier and
productive in the long run. There are many things in our lives we have no
control over - but our behavior is for the most part - not one of them!!

                                 Brightest Blessings
                                            Trisha