In a message dated 3/23/2002 9:23:55 AM Eastern Standard Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:


> Yes, you're very well-off right now, and if I were you, I'd stay there until
> the mortgage is paid off, as you said.  Hopefully by then your nephew will
> have gained some maturity and compassion.
>
> Kat

Well, that's the thing, isn't it?  I really am well off, and I haven't
forgotten that.  I never think of these things in terms how just how they
effect me, and that's part of how I end up being nuts about disability
rights.  Whatever happens to me, if something is done or said to me that is
disparaging and I know darned well that the underlying theme is that I am a
nuisance to society, I know it's happening to other people with disabilities
and in much worse ways in some -- many -- instances.

I've got retirement, and there are people here who have never even been given
an opportunity to be gainfully employed.  I have a home, and I did the work
that I wanted to do.  I know all those things Kat.  It's these messages that
get to me.  "I'm able bodied and therefore entitled.  You are disabled and
you will submit to my inherent superiority."  Those plantings, the brick
border, that says all of those things to me.  My best friend talking to me in
a childlike voice as though I am a friggin idiot -- it's all the same
message.  What happens to people who are mentally retarded?  Man, do they
ever get to have a say about anything?  I keep thinking that if people come
off to me like this, how can a mentally retarded person stand a chance?

I get too deep into this, and freak out every now and then.

Our Mike said something to me a couple of years ago that ticked me off, but
he was right and I was only ticked off because of stupid pride.  I am a
"babe" at this disability thing Mike, and I admit it (in front of the whole
list -- ha!).  The presumptions some ABs have about being superior are
incredible!  I don't recall thinking that way in "the before time," but God
help me, maybe I did and never realized it.

No way though, not like this.  I could never, would never have in my wildest
dreams thought to do something like this neighbor has done.  I had typical AB
assumptions that result in not being aware of institutions and stuff like
that, and not knowing about client abuse, etc., but to intentionally harm
somebody, or to think that some human life was "not worthy of life," those
were never components of my overall misconceptions.  My big stupidity
involved "aren't all the curb cuts grand, and isn't everything lovely now?"
I'll tell you what misconception that I had that scares me the most though.
I never thought of curb cuts and things like that as something that were
fought for.  I just thought we ABs were finally doing the right thing.  I
assumed that ABs did it.  There is another thing for me to be ashamed about,
but at least I've been pounded enough to get my thinking straight about who
causes these changes.

I saw stuff coming at my jobs when I started to go downhill physically, but
that's because I knew the players involved and saw the way other disabled
people had been treated in both places.  I knew I might be in for a rough
time with them, but I thought I these were isolated problems.  I honestly had
no idea how representative those people were.

I snapped this year, but I'll get back on track.  My nephew's grandmother (my
Mom) pumped his head full of notions about "poor unfortunate him" because his
Mom died when he was a baby, and that he is more entitled than the average
bear because of that.  He has also had more than a few bad shakes in life
himself because of his Dad, and has pulled out of them and well.  He is young
and prideful right now, but if he is like me at all, in about twenty years he
will terrible regret for his current state of arrogance.  He has taken out
some very deep resentments on me, but it's all been very silent and passive
aggressive like this business of making me wait for my own money while
knowing that I'm in pain.  I guess I make excuses for him because he really
did get crapped all over, but what can be done?  Have we not all been crapped
on in one way or another?  Do I get to hurt you because I have been hurt, and
vice versa?  It's not supposed to work that way.