Kyle wrote:

> Unfortunately, there wasn't any "bs"-ing.  Everything I said I
> did--I really
> did.  The problem was my selfish attitude.  I think it stemmed from some
> sort of weird reverse self-pity and the need to be the center of
> attention.
> I still struggle with it.  My self-esteem in high school (like a
> lot of us)
> was pretty low, especially when it came to girls.  I tried so hard to be
> anything but me, and, to my shame, I succeeded.  I wonder how
> many disabled
> kids (both genders) kill themselves trying to be "cool" and the best at
> whatever they set out to do?
>
> Brent sounds like he had a similar background.  What's your read, Brent?

Man, this post both stunned and stung me. Almost everything you said could
be applied to me without changing a word.

WARNING: Frank language and probably FAR too much information lie ahead. If
you are a moralist, practicing Christian of the devout
Catholic/fundamentalist Protestant stripe, or just plain faint of heart,
stop reading now.

Elementary, middle, and high school were pretty awful for me. I was a total
social outcast. Add to that every teacher I had - at least at first - was
convinced I was "retarded". I mean, I had cp, right? Everyone knew that all
people with cp were 'tards, right? So I took the only route I had available
to me: academic excellence. I don't mean merely good grades, I mean
freakishly good grades. I became a nerd's nerd, a geek's geek. I had no
chance of a social life anyway, so why waste time pining for something that
was totally out of the question?

This all worked fine until my senior year in hs. I was being recruited like
an athlete by several major universities. Then something happened.

I got laid.

I began to question my lack of a social life, and when I arrived at the
university a few months later, I had already figured out that I could
re-invent myself as "cool". No one knew me. I had no baggage. And amongst
the subculture of on-the-edge techie types, I found that surprisingly nobody
seemed to care I was a gimp.

I went nuts. I got laid - a lot. I did drugs - a lot. I dealt drugs - a lot.
I fancied myself some sort of dime store philosopher. I read a lot of
Castaneda, Burroughs, Pynchon. I dabbled in eastern mysticism and
neopaganism. My grades slipped but not a lot. My parents (devout Southern
Baptists) disowned me anyway.

As Kyle said, I tried to be anything but me, and I succeeded. But man, I was
*cool*.

Graduation didn't change anything, I just altered my path to fit the
changing times. Reagan was in the White House. Greed was good. I cut my hair
and stopped doing (most of) the drugs, but I became the absolute worst kind
of yuppie scum.

Thankfully, five years ago I got a clue just before it was too late. I
almost lost my wife to the 70 hour work weeks. I realized that I didn't have
a clue who my then eight year old daughter was. So I stepped off the
carousel, dusted myself off, and started to try to figure out who I was.

I honestly don't think any of that would've happened if I had been AB. I
think I'd have had a nice quiet life somewhere. I can never go back and be
that guy, and the way I live my life now is so far out of the mainstream
that I don't think I should talk about it on this list - at least not until
you know me a lot better. But at least I'm not trying to be supercool
supergimp any more. I'm just glad I didn't have to lose everything to get my
head on straight.

Sorry for that lengthy screed. Blame it on Kyle. <GRIN>

Brent