Computer users, take note.

Peter

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>Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 10:51:07 -0700
>Subject: how to Install software
>X-Mailer: Juno 3.0.13
>From: Terri Lynne Pomeroy <[log in to unmask]>
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>
>+== acb-l Message from Terri Lynne Pomeroy <[log in to unmask]> ==+
>"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry (from his
>book
>"Dave Barry In Cyberspace" well worth the price in laughs)
>
>1.  Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
>that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
>It
>should look something like this:
> >> SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
> >> 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
> >> 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
> >> 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
> >> 3546 MB RAM
> >> 432323 MB ROM
> >> 05948737 MB RPM
> >> ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
> >> 2 TURTLE DOVES
> >> NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
>
>2.  Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
>detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
>software. Throw it away.
>
>3.  Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
>3.5-inch floppy diskette or CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
>
>says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter
>agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following
>agreement
>that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
>Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order
>of
>the Elks and such other terms & conditions, real and imaginary, as the
>Software Companyshall
>deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's
>
>home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear
>drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
>part,one
>nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, finders keepers, losers
>weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your
>servers.
>
>4.  Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say,  "(Name of
>child), please install this on my computer."
>
>5.  If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
>appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
>6.  Turn the computer on, you idiot.
>
>7.  Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
>8.  You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
>the
>following message should appear on your screen:
>
>The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would
>be
>the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?  Choose one, and
>be
>honest:
>
>
>  YES       or     SURE
>
>
>9.  After you make your selection, you will hear grinding  and whirring
>for
>a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in
>there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
>structures,
>so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an
>entirely new device, such as a food processor.  At the very least, the
>installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories
>and
>sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
>mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and
>"doo.wha."
>
>10.  When the installation program is finished, your screen should
>display the following message:
>
>CONGRATULATIONS
>The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
>computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
>If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
>
>breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
>*!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&
>
>11.  At this point your computer system should become less functional
>than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with
>furniture.
>
>12.  Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
>package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
>you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through
>
>12.
>************************************************************
>* ACB-L is maintained and brought to you as a service      *
>* of the American Council of the Blind.                    *
>************************************************************


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