Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

A quick refresher course for those of you how failed charm school 101,
or failed to attend Mrs. Polecot's dance class in 8th grade.

  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 DINING OUT
 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
 2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table ... no matter how good
his manners are.

 PERSONAL HYGIENE
 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done  in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However,  if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 DATING (Outside the Family)
 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the answer, it is

the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 THEATER ETIQUETTE
 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

 WEDDINGS
 1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and  clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

 DRIVING ETIQUETTE
 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles -- even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
 2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask  her to bring back beer too.
 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.