A friend sent me these:

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol
content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes
for
Christmas!

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing
up
really fast.

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?