"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry
from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"
-------------------
1. Examine the software package until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It
should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide
by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and
such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the
user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers,
losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip
your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose
one, and be honest:
+-------+ +--------+
| YES | | SURE |
+-------+ +--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in
there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures,
so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an
entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the
installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories,
sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
package
and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a
clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
Kristen MacPeek
Owen & Mandeville Pet Products, Inc.
Independent Distributor
All Natural hormone and antibiotic free.
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