Though the Secret Service and FBI may have just cause to be nervous following
after their failure to heed the warning signs prior to 9-11 it comes as
something of a shock to hear reported this morning that President Bush fled
to the security of his Texas ranch with Dolly Parton due to a threat from a
suicide egg bomber. The prez is quoted, "Those are BIG… eggs. Hey, pay
attention. I'm talkin' about EGGS here."
The Commander and Chief then segued into an explanation of the complicated
relationship between the camouflage of Austrian (Muslim?) ostrich eggs with
colored tints and vinegar and the International proliferation of "designer"
land mines. "I like the sparkles," he said in parting.
At this morning's annual egg rolling celebration at the White House the
kiddies will have a challenge of rolling quite small eggs as the event, in
this year of heightened homeland security, will be directed personally by Dan
Quaile. Dan, though meager in some departments, is a brave sort when
requested to serve on behalf of the Republican Party -- there have been as
yet unconfirmed reports of a radical Islamic fundamentalist wearing a pink
bunny suit and driving a brightly painted psychedelic hummer in the Maryland
suburbs north of the Capital.
In a seemingly unrelated report from Reuters a rash of shopping malls across
the country, apparently in copycat actions, have reported incidents of Goths
and Skin Heads throwing raw eggs at department store windows. The CDC has
re-issued salmonella warnings and are advising that eggs sent through the US
Postal Service should be considered suspect and left uneaten, particulalry if
they arrive broken as is usually the case.
Charlton Heston, coming to the defense of this great nation, held a press
conference last Wednesday and called for the irradiation of all eggs and the
shooting of all chickens that produce eggs on American soil. When challenged,
by this reporter, that most eggs are produced by caged birds and that the
eggs rarely touch the dirt Mr. Heston appeared flustered.
The reports of a potential suicide egg bomber and the widespread distribution
of raw eggs in our markets, according to the Dept. of Agriculture, have no
relation to the high incidence of nasal cancer in children, now grown, who
participated in the White House egg roll during the Johnson administration,
as per a recent study issued by Johns Hopkins.
XXX ;-) 04/01/2002
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