By Julie Walsh
WebMD Medical News
Jerry Rogers had a dead-end job and a dull marriage.
He could usually cope on the job, but not at home. "After years of being
with the same woman," says Rogers (not his real name), "the desire to have
sex with another woman was overwhelming." When the opportunity for an affair
came along, he couldn't resist. "The affair helped me escape," Rogers says.
Escape is a nearly universal attraction of affairs. Some people cheat to
escape boredom; others to escape conflict in the relationship. Whatever the
reason, the sense of escape is exciting. Only later comes the psychological
trauma with its cascade of negative emotions. Spouses who cheat often feel
angry, desperate, and guilty. Those who are cheated on also feel angry, not
to mention abandoned and fearful.
How you face these emotions -- and the extent to which you analyze what went
wrong and what you contributed to the situation -- will play a major role in
whether you find peace after the affair, regardless of whether the original
relationship endures or dies, according to Emily Brown, MSW, an expert on
the topic.
Reasons for the Affair
"It's easy to assume that an affair is about love, sex, selfishness, or
trying to inflict pain," says Brown, author of "Affairs: A Guide to Working
Through the Repercussions of Infidelity" and director of the Key Bridge
Therapy and Mediation Center in Arlington, Va. But affairs are much more
complicated than that.
Having an affair is one way of communicating that emotional issues aren't
being met by the other partner or the marriage, according to Brown. Having
an affair lets one partner get the other partner's attention and
communicates that the cheating partner is in pain. Sometimes affairs happen
when one partner is a sex addict. But a sexless extramarital relationship
can also be an affair, if a strong emotional connection exists that is kept
secret from the spouse, Brown says.
Infidelity Happens Often
Although hard-and-fast statistics are difficult to come by, infidelity is
common. One study of 300 subjects, published in August 1992 in the Journal
of Sex Research, found that 44% of husbands and 25% of wives had engaged in
at least one episode of extramarital sexual intercourse, says Shirley Glass,
Ph.D., a Baltimore psychologist and the study's lead author. Those numbers
have remained about the same since then, she says, based on her clinical
practice and other research studies; however, she notices the number of
straying women is increasing.
But Peggy Vaughan, the Southern California author of The Monogamy Myth, says
those numbers are very conservative. Based on research done for her book,
she says 60% of married men and women stray at some point.
When affairs happen, both partners need to do some serious self-evaluation,
Brown says, because both partners contribute to it. For couples recovering
from affairs, Brown and Vaughan offer a variety of suggestions. Their advice
is targeted to married couples, since extramarital affairs have been studied
the most, but it might also be applicable to couples in other types of
partnerships.
Get the secrets out in the open. Telling the other partner what was lacking
in the relationship might help explain why the partner strayed. In a survey
of 1,083 spouses whose partners had affairs, Vaughan found trust -- always
an underlying issue after an affair -- was more likely to be rebuilt when
the couple thoroughly discussed the situation.
Face the emotions and heal. If you were cheated on, try to face the pain and
then move on. If you cheated, face the anger or restlessness and move on as
well. A counselor or therapist may also help; the American Association for
Marriage and Family Therapy (202-452-0109) can refer you to a specialist.
Avoid making major decisions. Initially, you may want to move away or file
for a divorce. Hold off, at least for a reasonable period. "I've never seen
anyone fully recover from an affair in less than two years," says Vaughan.
Jerry Rogers followed these steps. "After my partner found out and we went
through a lot of therapy -- together and individually -- we were able to
deal with the pain of the affair," he says. "It helped me understand what
led to my infidelity, which had more to do with issues about myself and my
work rather than not being satisfied with my partner."
For more information from WebMD:
How Couples Can Expand Their Sexual Horizons
Discussing the Keys to Intimacy and a Healthy Sex Life
2000 Healtheon/WebMD. All rights reserved.
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